FYI My JW mom and Alzheimer's

by scary21 18 Replies latest jw friends

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  under the radar

  Alzheimer's or even progressive dementia can cause dramatic, unexplainable, and unpredictable changes in the victim's outlook and personality. If this animus towards you and your sister began after your mom began feeling the effects of her disease, maybe you can chalk it up to the disease itself and choose to believe that it doesn't reflect how your mom would have felt if she had been in her right mind.

  Just because she recognized you and had certain memories of you doesn't mean her attitude towards you wasn't entirely due to the ravages of her disease. I have an elderly maternal uncle to whom this is happening right now. He has dementia, not Alzheimer's, but at this stage it's more of a distinction that a difference. His sister- and brother-in-law have bent over backward for years to help him and my aunt out in numerous ways. They have gone way beyond the call of duty or even familial love. But in the last year or so, my uncle has acquired an almost venomous hatred of his brother-in-law, for absolutely no reason whatsoever. When they come over to visit or, more often, help out, my uncle sulks in silence, clenching his jaw and fists, and glaring holes through the man. Again, there is no justification whatsoever. My uncle accuses him of all sorts of terrible things and even denies that he ever had the long and successful career that he most certainly did. No amount of explanation and proof that they were the best of friends for years does any good. But we all know that my uncle would never feel or act this way if he were in his right mind. Alzheimer's and dementia can be expressed in a myriad of subtle and contradictory ways, besides the obvious and expected symptoms. They are a true scourge of humanity.

  This could well have been what was going on with your mom. Maybe it will help you and your sister feel better if you can find it your hearts to give her the benefit of the doubt, and choose to remember her as the mom she was before she was attacked by this horrible disease.

  I am so sorry for what happened to you and your family, and wish you only the best. Hang in there. You are not alone.
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  rebelfighter

  Scary,

  Big hugs, Alz is a very horrible disease. My mom is in a nursing home in the lock down unit with an ankle bracelet because she is an escape artist. I tried very hard to care for her even though she never showed any true love for me. It took the County Sheriff and Social Services on their last trip to my home to convince me that her violence toward me was never going to change and one of these calls to 911 which she always made to tell them I was the Mafia holding her hostage after every attempt to beat me up. The last time she tried to beat me up right in front of two County Sheriff Officers. He also told me that they had been watching my house for weeks ever since she slugged an EMT worker.

  It is very true they are not in their right minds. Just remember the good times with your mom.
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  Incognito

  Alzheimer disease is only one form of dementia but because it is the most common, the various types are often lumped together under the one name, similar to calling all brands of tissue - 'Kleenex'. Each type have similarities but have differing symptoms, behavior patterns and speed of progression.

  A PET scan can give some indication to the dementia type but may not be definitive and the procedure maybe upsetting to the patient. As there is no treatment procedure for any type of dementia, a scan is not often bothered with.

  Elderly people are also susceptible to urinary tract infections which can cause extreme changes in behavior, which include often severe confusion and forgetfulness and so may appear to be a dementia condition. Behavior change can be brought on as suddenly as turning on a light switch.

  Having been a caregiver to a close relative with dementia, I can relate to Rebelfighter's and your experience and offer my respect, sympathy and condolences to you and all those dealing with these illnesses.
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  talesin

  Thank you, Sherry. I am going through it now, and what with the shunning, crazy tearful calls from my mother who has always hated me (formerly shunning, now ridden with guilt via Alzheimer's), it's hard to wrap my head around and deal with it on my own. I so appreciate your OP. (( )) xo tal
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  rebelfighter

  Talesin,

  If you need someone to talk to pm me anytime. Although I was never a JW my mother hated me from the day I was born and I was there to pick up the pieces for her entire life. Instead of her shunning me when she got totally out of control I would walk away for a couple months.

  You are a very good person to help your mom when she needs you after the way she has treated you.

  Hugs
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  steve2

  So sorry for what you two siblings went through. I can't imagine how painful this must be, with the JWs having cast their indifference over your time with your Mom.

  Were there any Alzheimer support services available to help you and provide family education and advice? Such services would have been so valuable for you and your sister. The video in an earlier post above looks very helpful in coming to terms with what you went through.
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  Spiral

  Hi Scary, I am taking care of my mother who has some sort of dementia or ALZ or whatever.... Hard to tell but it's just one day at a time. She's not "way out there" in her behaviour (yet, anyway) so I can't compare my experience to yours except to say you have my total respect and sympathy in what you have experienced and dealt with. I've already seen that my mother can turn on a dime and I realize that dementia patients often turn on those trying to help them.

  In my case, my mother never paid much attention to her children so there's not really a close relationship to lose. In the end, perhaps that will make it easier on me, I don't know at this point. The JW nonsense made no difference in her relationships whatsoever.

  And I see that the caregiver can't win - if you move them, they can become upset, if you leave them in their home you could just as easily be accused of being neglectful, keeping them where they can't cope.

  Please know that you both did all you can to the best of your ability, that is more than so many ALZ patients get in the end.
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  scary21

  Wow, I am so glad I made this post. Thank you all for your understanding and telling your experiences.

  I feel better now. I know I was lucky to have such a loving mom. Some of you have had the misfortune to be raised a JW like me but your mom or dad wasn't very loving. A double whammy !

  I have this picture of my mom on my dresser(she was about 70ish) When I start thinking negative I look at that picture and say " now THAT was my mom "

  I also think how hard it was, and how hurt she was, being kicked to the curb by her loving brothers and sisters 2+ years before and not making it to the promised paradise, My poor mom.
  
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  Virgochik

  My mother has early Alzheimer's too. It's making her increasingly bitter about how her life has turned out, with me, her only daughter not attending the meetings, becoming unexpectedly a widow, and the biggy- the end still hasn't come.

  She wants me to come out and visit her, but she says mean hurtful things, like "You need to have your head examined", "I don't know what's the matter with you, Virgochik, maybe I dropped you on your head when you were a baby" and plenty more zingers. It's so hard to even call her because she always works in comments about the meetings and demeans my character for not going, when basically I'm a pretty good person, I think. She lets me know how wonderfully the sisters help her out and makes digs at me, though I live about twelve hundred miles away and trips out to see her are expensive.

  My heart goes out to all of you and wish you peace of mind. It's so hard knowing how much of their malice towards us is the disease, or their true feelings egged on by the cult. My mom could go at any time, and I may carry that gnawing question forever without an answer.

  Sure wish I could blame it on the ALZ, but I've read up on it, and it basically takes the person's personality flaws and magnifies them. If she was always a sour negative person, she may be even more so.

  This thread is so comforting and informative. Thanks to everyone who shares their journey.