Dating another Woke exJW or no?

by caves 15 Replies latest social entertainment

  • Diogenesister
    99thCaves In regards your sister dating that guy , its like the jw radar. There is a certain inflection in a jws voice when they are "mentally in" or fresh-ish out. Imo. Or perhaps its just me.

    Not just you. You have a jay-dar!

    (I believe in overlapping 👍👍👍)

  • new boy
    new boy

    It's nice but not essential I have dated quit a bit since leaving the Jehovah's Witnesses over the 17 years, I had two long term relationships in that time period (one was 3 and one 4 years long) neither women knew anything about the Jehovah Witnesses. One of them was raised as a Mormon but not practicing. That was interesting.

    I'm currently "dating" a born in ex-JW woman I knew forty years ago. She left way back in the nineteen eighties. We get a long very well.

    I guess love is were you find it. So finding an Ex-JW could be nice it's not imperative.

  • OneEyedJoe

    I wouldn't specifically look for an exJW, just date people that you're interested in. In my view it mostly turns out as a wash, with some slight disadvantages to dating an exJW, perhaps. This is speaking generally, of course, and is far from a hard rule.

    Pro: You'll have a built in short-hand for talking about your past trauma, and they'll be able to immediately understand some of the challenges specific to your transition from being a JW to being a normal person in society.
    Con: You won't be forced to actually think through how to explain what you experienced to someone to whom it is all new. Being forced to do this can help you come to a new understanding of your past and how to move forward. Furthermore, there's something to be said for dating someone who's willing to put in the effort to understand your past despite being completely unfamiliar with it. This can be a great litmus test to determine if someone is truly interested in you and your well-being or if they're just dating you for what they hope you'll give them.

    Pro: You'll have someone who can truly commiserate on what it was like to be raised as a JW.
    Con: You might find yourselves dwelling on your JW past in a sort of positive feedback loop that is not conducive to moving on with your life.

    Pro: You'll both understand the language of the cult.
    Con: You'll keep using the loaded language of cultspeak instead of moving on and talking like a normal person.

    Pro: You'll both understand what the other is dealing with as far as their still-in JW family is concerned.
    Con: Double the amount of family craziness and no family to help integrate you into normal society.

    Depending on your circumstances it might also be nice to date someone that can understand the struggles of past trauma, but I would point out that JWs do not have a monopoly on trauma and when you boil it down it's all really very similar, if of different scales. And there's something to be said for dating a normal person that doesn't have demons in their past but can still be compassionate to those that do.

    Personally, I think you should enjoy your freedom and date whoever you're interested in dating. I also think there's something to be said for dating both exJWs and normal folk (though exJWs are in much shorter supply...another downside) and just find what you like. Don't rush into anything, there's no formula or guidebook you can follow to get it exactly right on the first try - just try stuff and see how things work out and learn from the mistakes as you make them and strive not to repeat them. Have fun, life isn't so serious.

  • caves

    Many interesting replies.

    Diogenesister- I thought it was just me . Yippy , I have Jay -Dar.

    OneEyedJoe- What a superb pros and cons list.

    I think two people that have dealt with their own issues and come into a relationship as two whole people exjw or not would help in the success factor.

    But I will admit that it would be nice to share in the laughter of say , as an example , a meme from here. One would have just about had to be an exjw to understand the humor in them.

    Like I said, I'm not looking at all. I have a ways to go yet before I take that jump, or feel like socializing after the year I have had.

    I tried to date last year for the first time in years. That was a complete disaster. But it was a learning experience.And for a brief moment in time I was really happy. Before crazy knocked on the door. But crazy came with a big bag of lessons.

    What would be one of my worst nightmare is to date an exjw that I thought was completely POMO and then after a while they decide to go back. yikes.

  • Simon
    Would it be easier to date someone that has been a jw and woke up or not?

    I think it would be as big a mistake as dating someone who was a JW just because they were a JW.

    Being a JW or an exJW is hardly having much in common at all.

    Why not "hey, we both once worked at McDonalds ... we have so much in common ... let's marry!"

    Crazy right?

    Just look for someone who has the qualities you want and who loves you for who you are, not because you stopped being something you used to be.

  • caves

    Gio- No one is interested in the JW life style.....if you are looking for a crutch then have at it....but understand you are still confused as to the true values of being in or apart of the JW world. Man up dude.

    You've got to put on your big boy pants and forge through the wilderness in pursuit of who you really are and what you would like to accomplish in life. Move away....... clean up the JW's beliefs

    I totally agree. I feel that this site forces one to "man up". Normally I don't like that saying but its really imperative to grab the jw bull crap by the horns and deal with it 100% , so I think its fitting.

    I would expect someone to come in at 100% so I expect the same from myself.

    Not looking for a crutch. Especially from a hung up jw or anyone for that matter.

    Gio-You need to hook up with a person who is ready to meet and challenge life.

    1000 times yes. Two people wanting and investing time into the other so that the can succeed in life is healthy. Anything less your selling yourself short.

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