Questions..falling in love with a JW...

by twizzle 18 Replies latest jw friends

  • twizzle

    Thank you - not at all what I wanted to hear, but I don't doubt that it is the truth. It just occured to me how messed up I really am. Even the happiest thoughts (your long marriage and two great kids) are painful to hear. You'd think I'd like to see the same things in my future, but truthfully, right now it hurts beyond all measure to ponder for more than a second a future that doesn't include him.

    Thanks for your message, though. I know it's something I've got to come to terms with. I was always the mouthy kid in class. I didn't hesitate to correct my teachers if I thought they were wrong. The Watch Tower would be having regular meetings about me, for sure.



  • asleif_dufansdottir
    I've been told what I need to do to be made "suitable"

    I'm sure you have. And I find that concept repulsive. Think about that for a moment. You, as you are, are not considered "suitable"...and here's the never will be. You'll never be good enough as long as you have an independent thought in your head.

    Please believe me when I tell you the best case scenario is the pain you're going through right now if you break off the relationship. If you try to become "suitable", it just gets worse.

    I've been married over 21 years. He became a JW after we were married, and sucked me in, over my initial protests. Eventually we both came back out. I do love my husband, and if he told me today he wanted to become a JW again I'd leave him. Today. No debate. I wouldn't go through that nightmare again for anything.

  • JT

    my friend you have come to the right place

    you have no IDEA of how many of us ENVY YOU - as it were--

    for you have before you an opportunity that many of us didn't get till 20- 30-40+ yrs of our lives have been wasted in this religion

    my suggestion to you is the following continue to do the 2 most important things that we were never allowed to do:

    ASK AS MANY QUESTIONS AS YOU can AND --READ-- READ-- READ AS MUCH information on this religion as you can

    if you don't remember anything from my post PRINT THESE 2 QUOTES OUT AND KEEP THEM FOR AS LONG AS you are searching for answers

    A man who refuses to think is a fool,
    A man who can't think is a idiot,
    A man who is afraid to think is a coward.....

    Author Unknown

  • jgnat

    I like you, twizzle. You look before you leap. I re-read your story, and I have a question for that "friend". Ask what you and your boyfriend have to do to have an approved marriage in the Kingdom Hall. I can pretty well guarantee it is too late - you are too "tainted".

    I thought you might want to have a peek at the "distinguished men" around the round table.
    Just so you can see who would be making all your decisions for you if you decide to join.

  • Silverleaf

    Dear Chel, you wrote:

    Thank you - not at all what I wanted to hear, but I don't doubt that it is the truth. It just occured to me how messed up I really am. Even the happiest thoughts (your long marriage and two great kids) are painful to hear. You'd think I'd like to see the same things in my future, but truthfully, right now it hurts beyond all measure to ponder for more than a second a future that doesn't include him.

    I know. I absolutely know. At the time I thought I was throwing away the only chance at happiness I would ever get. I couldn't imagine ever feeling that way for someone else - and you know what? I never did feel that way with anyone else. When I met my husband it was different. It wasn't the same type of love just with another person, it was a different love all together. It was a feeling that made sense, and a relationship that didn't cause me pain. I never had to question it. And it put everything else that had come before in a totally different perspective.

    Take some time, Chel, and take care of yourself. It will get better, honest.


  • concerned mama
    concerned mama

    Oh, twizzle. My daughter had a JW boyfriend, and finally decided that a mixed relationship would not work, and she could never become JW. She looked carefully at that culture and decided that she would lose herself, if she tried to live that life. You have to decide whether you would respect yourself, looking in a mirror.

    Time to give your brain more ammunition to deal with your heart. To understand the Jehavh's Witness culture as much as it is possible for an outsider to do, and decide if you can live that life. No matter how much you love the man, it will fade and you will become bitter, if you hate your life.

    Have you read the site? Also and

    One consideration is if you are willing to see very little of your own family? As they are not JW, gradually you will see less and less of them as you can't see them at any celebration when families normally get together such as Christmas or birthdays or other holidays. You will have less in common with them and you will be discouraged from spending much time with them as they are not "good association". You would miss your family weddings or funerals if they were in a church. Five JW meetings a week plus time out knocking on doors leaves little time for socializing with your parents or siblings.

    The other huge consideration is how you will raise your children. Have you done any research on how JWs raise their children. Have you looked at the books they use for teaching. Are you aware of how children are treated with regard to having to sit through long services or risk being physically punished? Will it bother you that your children can become socially isolated at school because they can't participate in anything to do with government or holidays and can only associate with other Witness kids? Would you be willing to let your child die for lack of a blood transfusion if they were in an accident or had chemotherapy that destroyed their own blood production? Would you be willing to shun your own children if they broke WT rules such as smoking, or dating an outsider?

    Some JW guys are not clear exactly what JW life is like.The most effective place to learn is from their own literature. Please read 2 JW publications.They are:"Questions Young People Ask" and "Secrets of Family Happiness". They detail how you are to raise your children and how your marriage is supposed to go. You have to decide if your husband being the boss all the time is right for your marriage.

    You have to decide what you want out of your own life. Loving a guy is not enough to make a marriage work, long term if you don't want to live the same life.

    Please check your in box for a PM.

  • twizzle

    Thanks - Jgnat

    I like you and everyone else who has taken the time to reply to me today, too. I am thankful for every person who has offered their advice. I'm trying to hear it...and make good use of it. This day was particularly hard for some reason - though the turmoil started 3 weeks or maybe a month ago (I can't even tell anymore). I think it's because I phone tagged with "the friend" at the beginning of the weekend - and the last set plans were for me to call him back sometime Friday or Saturday. Well I did not do that, obviously. There are a number of reasons why not, but I think the most pressing for me is the fact that, right now, I know where my weakness lies..and so does he. Am I afraid to talk to this most trusted friend? I am. In his message to me on the phone he said he was glad I called and, "Don't worry, it'll be painless" After weeks of worrying, I have to admit, that sounds good. Painless sounds good. Part of me wants to just shut the door....not make that call. A bigger part of me feels guilty for not doing what I promised I would do the last time I saw you know who.

  • Been there
    Been there

    Twizzle, welcome to the board. Please hang around awhile until you atleast have enough strength in you not to be sucked in for emotional reasons. So you can say this is a life I can live with and know all the angles not just the ones they are selling to make a sale. I was raised a JW (got out at 18) I hated every minute in it. The pain you will put your children through is horrible.

    You sound like a caring, understanding and loving person. Could you look your 6 year old that just got hit by a car in the eye and say "I'm sorry honey, you know I love you but I just can't let you have that blood transfusion. I will see you in Paradise." I prayed to God all the time I was growing up that I didn't get hurt bad enough, or sick enough to need one because I knew I would be allowed to die. It really does make a kid doubt their parents love and their own self worth. What if you can't let your 6 year old die, but your husband could and would. Are you going to be prepared for the battle? This is not an option. Read Shunned Fathers story....he has a tale to tell about this subject.

    My other concern is you will have to leave family and friends behind if you want to be a good JW. This is not an option.

    Theirs is not a loving God, and as an organization, they are not a loving people. There are many loving people in the organization, but it is on the organizations terms. They are blind. You will be imprisoned and your personal freedoms striped away one at a time. Be very careful and question ALL things and keep in mind they WILL lie to you.

    I would say mend your broken heart and don't sell your soul to the devil.

  • little1

    Twizzle, dear, my heart goes out to you. I posted my story yesterday (My story and why I'm here) so won't go into gory detail again, but please read it. The upshot is that I was in love with a JW man for 3 years and it was hell as I was jerked around by his battle with his feelings for me and his loyalty to them. They finally won. He was the sweetest, most loving guy in the world until he got more and more involved with them. I haven't seen or heard from him in 3 months, and the pain is exactly like what I imagine you're going through. He and I were so compatible and shared so much, I can't believe he'd turn his back on me the way he has. He knew there was no way I'd knuckle under and become an obedient little jw wife. Please get out while you can. I wish I'd have bailed at the first sign of waffling. I'd have saved myself years of heartache and buckets of tears. I, too, think I'll never find anyone like him again, but I've heard that god doesn't have any plan "B"s, if plan "A" doesn't work out, he'll give you another plan "A". Learn all you can and stay around. You're in the right place. hugs, little1

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