Questions..falling in love with a JW...

by twizzle 18 Replies latest jw friends

  • twizzle

    I'd like the answer to the "boy meets worldly girl" question as well. I was going to reply to the previous post but realized when I got to the end of my rant that other topics worth considering are mentioned in my message:

    As a "worldly girl" (well, I'm 29) I've spent the last few days reading all I can about "the society" and trying to figure out what the hell has gone on in my life for the past few months. I can't spend my weekends lying in bed and crying anymore. The circumstance is as the subject of this post reads. He was "lost and adrift" as he calls it, we met, I fell - (he says he did, too - though, I am beginning to wonder if that's what really happened....) and now he has withdrawn from me...completely.

    This is made easier for him, I think, because A. I have been sensitive to his need to be true to his beliefs...because I knew about them from the beginning. We've talked since he told me it had to be over - but I've shielded him, for the most part, from the intensity of my pain. I told him once that it's a lot like winning the lottery then losing your ticket, meeting him. But I have never cried about it in front of him. I don't want to do that. And B: His family, his friends, and even his employer share his beliefs. And his beliefs, well we've talked a lot about those. My thinking before I got out of bed and started reading materials other than what he gave me - was that everything about him that I love is directly related to what he believes, and how he chooses to demonstrate that in his relationships. I have never felt as much in love with someone (for the right reasons) as I am with him. So when he told me we couldn't talk anymore, see each other was pretty much like life punched a hole right through my chest. You begin to hate life when that happens...when that hollow feeling persists. It isn't helped by my nature - which is to withdraw from my social contacts when I am in pain - so as to minimize the effects on the world around me. I like to nurture - I like to be a source of positive energy in the world. I can't be that when I feel I go away until I don't feel damaged anymore.

    I've been told what I need to do to be made "suitable" and now the ball is in my court. I am supposed to call his best friend and "talk" about things...get answers to questions.

    Having come from a home where religion was never really considered - but the belief of a creator was implied. I do believe in God, but my outward demonstration of that is minimal. My upbringing cultivated in me a more personal, inner relationship with God. I know practically nothing of the rules and standards expressed in the Bible - I only know in my heart what is right...and what is wrong, and that I should always try to do what is right. I am not against learning more about the Bible and what it teaches. I am not against living a "clean" lifestyle and being true to my creator. I am not against learning to love God above others - even this man I have been involved with.

    I think I may have trouble with a distinguished roundtable of men somewhere in New York, whose ideas are supposed to govern the lives of people and their children...whose ideas, though inspired by God, tend to change depending on the legal climate of the day. Not only that, but when it has been determined that "the literature" may not have been right on the mark - insofar as what I have read - responsibility for that is not accepted by those who put it into print - but rather never acknowledged to have been wrong, and instead placed upon individual JW's to decide whether what they're doing is something that might prevent them gaining acceptance from God. I don't think I can trust in a group that claims to lead - but then casts responsibility and the vague possibility of consequences onto those who look to them for guidance. I think JW's are good, amazing people. But I think they are amazing with or without the constant threat of having love from family, friends, and God withdrawn from them because of infractions against a small group of men. I sound as though I?ve already made my decision. But, in truth I?m still wavering. Love?and the exchange of it, has always been paramount in my life. That is how I see God. His presence is expressed to me through our ability to love others. I?ve been told lately that there is a lot more to it than that and I don?t know what to believe. I can look on everything from positive accounts of the JW lifestyle to the endless sea of horror stories with an objective eye. I?m good at weighing things in terms of logic. I am not good at turning my back on someone who claims to feel the same intensity of love for me as I do for him?because if that?s true?I?ll do anything to keep that. I?d like to know if it?s all as bad as I?m reading. I?d also like to hear from other women who?ve been here. I?d like to know what questions to ask if I do call his friend.

    Thank you.

  • jgnat

    Is he in love with you as much as he says if you HAVE TO CONVERT in order to keep him? Because that is what he is really saying. In your present condition you are not really acceptable.

    I think I may have trouble with a distinguished roundtable of men somewhere in New York, whose ideas are supposed to govern the lives of people and their children...whose ideas, though inspired by God, tend to change depending on the legal climate of the day.

    Don't give up your freedom lightly. I feel for you girl. It's gonna hurt letting this fish go.

  • DanTheMan

    Hello and welcome twizzle!

    I don't have much to offer in the way of advice, but here is a thread you might find interesting.

  • mackey

    Twizzle, Your post mirrors my feelings and thoughts exactly, the only difference Is that I'm a "worldly guy'.I wish I had some advice for you, but I'm still searching for answers myself. Saying It's like winning the lottery and losing the ticket describes the situation completly.I hope you find what you need here and you're welcome to email me If you want to talk.

  • imallgrowedup


    I am so very sorry you are in this position. My heart breaks for you, because by the way you write, I can tell that you love him enough to let him go to follow his own heart. What a remarkable woman YOU are - many people could not be so selfless. I think it is smart of you to be looking at this religion with a "balanced eye", which is also a testament to your character. It appears to me as if you want to make sure you go into something that will affect the rest of your life knowing full well what your life would be like, and I understand your decision to choose between a love you fear you will never find again, and being true to yourself. I do not envy the position you are in.

    Twizzle, most of the people who post here are ex-jw's or are people who have loved ones who are practicing jw's. I fall into the latter category. This site has been immensely helpful in help me to better understand the religion my mother and step-father practice. I think you will find the same thing here as well. It is so very hard for me not to "tell you what to do", so I won't. However, I will point out a few things for you to take into consideration.

    Should you decide to become a JW, these men sitting at a "round table" and making decisions for all its members will be also making decisions for you. And if you don't do as they say, the consequences are severe. In fact, what you are going through right now is a consequence of what these men have told your boyfriend to do - stay away from you because you are a bad influence on him. You say you have a "good heart" and you know the difference between "right and wrong." Let me ask you this - being the good person you are, do you think it is right or fair of these men to tell your boyfriend to stop associating with you? Do you feel that you could just walk away from friends and even family who have good hearts and know the difference between right and wrong when it will be YOU who is told to do so? The reason they have their members shun others is not just to "keep their organization clean," but to control the actions of their members. They do not want their members to leave - even if they come across information that would show them that the JW's are not what they seem. By shunning others, they know that they themselves will be shunned if they ever decide to leave the religion in order to be true to themselves. This is emotional blackmail, and please forgive me for saying so, but your boyfriend is participating in it in regards to you, whether he realizes that is what he is doing, or not. However, I don't think he realizes the true reason that JW's do not want their members to leave the religion. Here's why.

    Something to be aware of is that this "religion" is not just a religion. It is also a business. The Watchtower Bible and Tract Society of New York was recently listed as one of the 50 most wealthy organizations in New York. How many churches do you know that enjoy that status? Churches are supposed to be non-profit entities. To put this in perspective, there are approximately 25 times as many Baptists in the US as there are JW's. Yet you do not see the Baptist church anywhere on any list of most wealthy companies. (This is not to say I support the Baptist church, I use this illustration to compare apples to apples.) Now, on the other hand, the Catholic church is yet another wealthy entity. Yet it is the Catholic church that the JW's criticize more than any other religion - and one of it's major criticisms of the Catholics is in regards to it's vast wealth. Who is calling the kettle black here?

    Knowing that the WTBTS is also a business, and a wealthy one to boot, can you think of why they wouldn't want their members to leave? Let's take a look at the 'business" side of the WTBTS. They are a printing company. A printing company run entirely by "volunteer labor". A printing company that prints material specifically targeted to one particular section of the market. Jehovah's Witnesses and their recruits. The WTBTS makes money off the books and tracts they sell. If people leave their relilgion, then they are losing customers. Not only that, they are losing yet more "volunteer laborers" who "volunteer" to go "door to door" to sell their materials. They can't have that! So, in order to keep their losses as low as possible, they tell anyone who has loved ones who leave the organization to act as if they are dead - and they USE the name of religion to validate their reasoning. But the truth is, they employ this technique simply for business purposes. Why you do think the WTBTS is so wealthy? Because of all it's "volunteer" labor makes a big difference in their bottom line.

    Twizzle, the reason JW's want their members to avoid those who do not believe as they believe, and to outright shun those who have discovered the REAL truth, is because they don't want their members exposed to anyone who can show these people the REAL truth. The JW's are afraid of you - and they are using your boyfriend to either make you go away, or bring you in the fold so you can be one of their "volunteer" laborers.

    I am so very sorry you are in this position. It is so cruel for you to be treated this way. You have a difficult decision ahead of you. Just know that there are many in here who will support you - even if you decide to take the plunge and become a Witness for this man that you love.



  • Celia
    I only know in my heart what is right...and what is wrong, and that I should always try to do what is right.

    ...and that's enough. You certainly do not need a bunch of old men in Brooklyn and Patterson telling you how to dress, how to groom, who to have for friends, what holidays you are not allowed to celebrate, and threatening you and your family with everlasting death because you'll never do enough to please them...

    And your boyfriend is using blackmail. Become a JW or I'll never see you again. Now, where is the love in implying something like that ? And JWs always tell you of the love that exists in their religion.... right !

  • marriedtodamob

    Oh, I feel for you girl! Here is some info about me:

    Please feel free to PM me-there are several "Worldly Girls" here on this board who deeply love a man who is a JW, who you can talk to.

    WELCOME TO THE BOARD!!! You are needed and wanted!!!

    My humble advice dear sister is to RUN don't WALK-there are better choices out there that won't have such dire consequences for you!!!



  • imallgrowedup


    Forgive me for not welcoming you to the board!


    May you find the answers you are looking for, and friends who will help you through your hard road!


    P.S. You have a pm

  • bernie

    Run away as fast as you can, the pain of losing him will be nothing to the pain you will experiance being a JW.

  • Silverleaf

    Hello twizzle, welcome to the board. I have great sympathy for you - I was there a long time ago.

    I was in my 20s when an old friend came back into my life. He had grown up, changed, become responsible and hard working, had his life together, it seemed. We started dating and fell in love and had a wonderful time until he broke the news that he was a JW. They were responsible for the positive changes in his life - and while that was great in some ways, they also destroyed who he was. They took away his independence and they blackmailed him. His 'new family' whom he loved more than his biological family, threatened to cut him off from their attentions if he continued seeing me. It broke my heart. He wanted to find a way to cheat the rules, he thought if we got married before he was baptized they would eventually have to forgive him and maybe over time I would start studying and come into the truth as well.

    Everything I saw and learned about this religion during that time appalled me. The emotional hell they put him through was unforgivable and the emotional hell he put me through taught me a valuable lesson. He may love you and you may love him, but if he puts his religion first then he doesn't love you enough to make it work. I don't mean to be harsh, but consider yourself lucky to have found out now when you can still get away easily. Do yourself a huge favor and walk away, close the door and cut him off. Don't compromise yourself for the sake of the Watchtower Society. They're a destructive cult and they are nowhere the 'TRUTH' they claim to be. It will hurt now, but in the long run you will be happier if you stay as far away from this religion as you possibly can.

    When we ended our tumultuous relationship I thought I had given up my only chance at true love. I was sooooo wrong! This August my husband and I celebrated our 11th wedding aniversary. We have two great kids and I thank my lucky stars every day I didn't make the necesasry compromises to keep my JW-ex. I would probably be miserable and bitter today. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, twizzle. Let him put Jehovah first, and you put yourself first - you will have a better life in the end and trust me, you won't regret the decision.


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