Still reading the Shepard the flock book and came across this gem (!)...
"13. If the husband committed adultery, he
has an obligation to inform his wife of the facts. The
judicial committee should promptly inquire of the
Christian wife as to what her husband has told her. If
he refuses to inform her of his adultery, the elders
should inform her that because of her husband’s
conduct, it is up to her to decide whether to pursue a
Scriptural divorce or not. Furthermore, they should
inform the innocent mate that her resuming sexu-
al relations with the guilty mate would negate any
claim to Scriptural freedom. But they should not give
her further details. On the other hand, the elders
may find that while the husband did confess adultery
to his wife, he did not tell her the full extent of his
wrong conduct and left out important information
that the wife should know. The elders should not pro-
vide this confidential information to the wife, but
they can suggest that she speak with her husband
again. Even if he does not tell her anything more, this
will alert her to the fact that he is withholding infor-
mation from her, and this may help her to determine
whether to forgive or not.
... so the wife doesn't have to be told! But the elders can hint if they want big deal!