i hate my wife for what she has become. when she is her authentic self, i love her with every once of energy, every breath. when she is in cult mode. i loath her. i want my wife back, i want my family back...i want time back,
I can so relate to what you wrote there. I would never have married my husband if he had been in his cult mode when we dated. When we dated I thought he cared about me and my feelings and wants, etc. That we could be a couple, a team in marriage. I bought into the JW'sm but I put my family first and the religion second.
As soon as we got married he was all cult mode, 'you should have never married an elder if you did't want to live this way' was what he told me.
I just never had any clue or indication that being married to an elder meant that I was second at best most of the time third or fourth or firth when it came to the religion. There was just no way for me to know it. Even now looking back I still do not think I could have predicted it.
I just feel so much like I wasted my life, so I totally get where you are coming from I am so sorry. It is the worst feeling.