How do you tell your spouse you no longer believe in God?

by Darkknight757 33 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Darkknight757

    So I was hoping to get some insight on this subject of telling your spouse that you no longer believe in God. For two people who have been Jehovahs Witnesses for 20 years together, talking about this seems to be real hard for me. I still pray with my wife before meals but that's about it. I haven't had a personal prayer to God in months because I no longer believe in the existence of God.

    Have any of you on the board had this discussion and how did you approach it?

  • Hadriel

    I think it's important to be out of the judging business.

    What I mean is if you're honest there's no way to prove either perspective beyond any doubt. At least not in my mind. Oh you can make a case for a supreme being and you can make a case for not having one. But neither are absolute.

    My wife has been feeling the same as you actually. For me I can't get past evolving from a single cell. Seems too much of a stretch. Again though after what we've experienced and the hypocrisy in general in religion can you blame a person for not believing in God? I can't. Add to the fact that if you believe the bible God killed a lot of folks. If a person today did what God supposedly did in the bible we'd call them a mass murder. There would be no justification.

    In my mind then it is important to not be in the judging business. If there is a God do you think he would be offended for you being confused? He wouldn't if he is in fact loving for the multitude of religions and beliefs at a minimum have been horribly muddied.

    Perhaps then, instead of focusing on your perspective you discuss both. How both have holes and that you shouldn't judge one another. For my wife and I that is where we are at. We accept that neither perspective can be proven without a doubt. As such we simply discuss the possibilities of both sides accepting the opposite perspective as a distinct possibility.

    Best wishes...


  • new boy
    new boy

    I would fake it. After all you are not really sure one way or another.....right?

    So why make an issue of something that your not sure of anyway.

    Besides who knows maybe there is a god. It just may not be the mean, hateful and jealous god Jehovah,

  • nicolaou

    My wife could see the changes coming and was not too disturbed when I finally said the words, "I don't believe in God anymore".

    My mother on the other hand . .

    I chose the moment carefully because I knew she'd be upset. At her holiday home in Cyprus over a coffee on the balcony. It was quiet and private and I remember tears in her eyes.

    Don't say more than you need to. Take your cues from your wife, listen to her, answer her questions honestly and understand that if you've been married as JW's for 20 years she is going to hurt.

    Good luck bud

  • James Mixon
    James Mixon
    Find a picture with God and Satan embracing or a sign "God is dead"..
  • Pete Zahut
    Pete Zahut

    Rather than an saying I'm an Atheist (gasp) I call myself an "Enthusiastic Agnostic". I'd love for someone to prove to me without a shadow of a doubt, the existence of God and undeniable proof that a paradise awaits us. I'll be the first one to do whatever he/she wants me to do, once it is clear. So far, nothing along these lines are provable and until they are, I can't in good conscience be expected to go from door to door showing people the same feeble bits of cobbled together reasonings that we currently have. "Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence"

    If there is a God and there is a paradise in store for us, there is no reason I too shouldn't be a part of it. My wife could see the reasonableness of this and couldn't provide any information for me or herself, that wasn't easily refutable.

  • nicolaou
    Agnostic? Bleurgh!
  • Anders Andersen
    Anders Andersen

    Take your time if you can. Read around this forum about others' experiences.

    I still regret how did it.

    First, I wanted to strengthen my faith by finding evidence to back up my faith. Result: 4 weeks later I non longer believed in God, the Bible, creation, and JW.

    I hadn't told my wife about the investigation in order not to make her when I was already very sure of my decision, I told her I would not go to meetings anymore.

    She asked why, I tried to explain, she cried and got upset. I think it would have been better if I told her I cheated on her.

    Some days later she was calmed down, asks why again, I tried to explain a bit. Cult defenses came up soon though.

    We have written some letters back and forth in order to understand each other without the emotions of having a debate.

    We're OKfor now, and have decided to not discuss religion for a while.

    She hates it that I didn't bring her with me in my investigation.

    I hate it too...she might have jumped ship with me if she studied what I studied.

    My advice: don't tell your wife you made a decision or don't believe anymore. All her defenses may come up and then you have a problem.

    Instead, tell her there are some topics you want to investigate together. Really investigate. At least then it's less of a surprise for her when you finally do show your belief is gone.

    Also, I am with Hadriel: don't judge. You can believe whatever you want, and your wife has the same right. Don't argue about that.

    And please remember, saving your marriage is more important now than getting your wife out of JW, or to agree with you.

    Take your time. Good luck.

  • Hadriel

    @Anders makes a couple good points. One saving the marriage is of utmost importance. Two and I can't explain why this happens but it does, the wife often doesn't spend the time the fellas do in their due diligence. I wish I had the answer for that, but I don't.

    In general I find you must have some solid ground to stand on for whatever it is you might believe.

    I can't stress the NOT judging enough. For us it has been insurmountable to discuss both sides of the coin together. Rather than say "look at this" or "can't you see that". Those types of phrases will only beget negative reactions resulting in an immediate wall being put up.

    All the best bud.

  • blondie

    We don't discuss it as a topic. It is evident in our approach to life now. Belief in God is pointless if a person does not live up to what they interpret God's values to be.

    Actually, the apostle John said this:

    (1 John 4:20, 21) 20 If anyone makes the statement: “I love God,” and yet is hating his brother, he is a liar. For he who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot be loving God, whom he has not seen. 21 And this commandment we have from him, that the one who loves God should be loving his brother also.

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