Need advice/opinions about DF Husband who woke up

by Whynot 14 Replies latest social family

  • Whynot

    My husband was DF 3 years ago. I still attended meetings but not regularly and for the past 10 months I have not attended any at all. My husband wanted to get reinstated until maybe a few months ago when I started to help him to wake up.

    Now, I think it would be good for him to get reinstated then fade out amd he wanted thus as well. But now he doesn't. The reason I think it would be good for him is because he has depression.

    He doesn't have ANY friends. Not even his co-workers are his friends. I worry about hus mental health but he thinks it's best to just never go back. I guess I'm just not ready to leave it behind 100%.

    I feel really confused and don't know what to think. Help!

  • scratchme1010

    You leave a lot of details out, and I prefer to suggest instead of giving advice. First, sorry that you seem to be going through turmoil, even when your husband has been away from that organization.

    Seems to me that for some reason, the mental well being of both of you seems to be attached to the JWs. If he's depressed, is there any reason why he can't seek professional help from people who actually can provide good, sound advice?

    And what about you? You seem to be a great, loving partner to your husband, but your own mental well being matters too. Do you have friends outside the JWs?

    Also, the most important thing is that you have each other. Many ex-JWs like me left the JWs without a clue on how to be social. That was something I had to learn. Going back to the congregation doesn't seem like something that will give him any social skills.

    Between the two of you can provide great support. Go out on a date, have fun together. Forget about the WT and enjoy each other's company. The JWs are still going to be there anyway, ready to judge and happy to shun you.

  • Odrade

    Do you think it would be good for him to go back, jump through the hoops to get reinstated, just so he can have some fake friends who would throw him under the bus the second they knew what he really thought? The effort it would require to get back in good with the JWs, just so you could have friends, could be spent in so much more interesting ways, such as joining a hobby club or special interest group where you both could make friends that wouldn't being lying liars who lie, and who might actually like you both for real.

  • Whynot

    I do believe we both are emotionally attached to the Borg. He's currently getting professional help but I'm thinking I should as well. This transition has been hard on us. I have acquaintances but have pretty much cut ties with our JW friends. We're both kind of soul searching right now. Trying to find ourselves outside of the Borg.

    It doesn't make sense to go back just to be DF again do to our new beliefs. It's just that attachment that's difficult to shake off ugh!

  • steve2

    Returning to the meetings is likely to make his depression worse.

    Talk to him about getting professional assessment and treatment.

  • days of future passed
    days of future passed

    For those who still believe in the bible, going to a friendly church helps. Some have gone on to do volunteer work that really helps people. And like the previous posters say, find some hobbies and meet people.

    It is different than being in a closed environment. JW's are taught to be nice to all other JW's even if they are mean, snobby etc. So most make an effort to get along with everyone. But like my sister and I found out, that kind of "lets be friends" right off the bat at work, actually causes suspicion and makes people draw back. So there is adjustments in how to deal with the real world.

    I hope your counseling goes well.

  • Pete Zahut
    Pete Zahut

    Now, I think it would be good for him to get reinstated then fade out amd he wanted thus as well. But now he doesn't. The reason I think it would be good for him is because he has depression. He doesn't have ANY friends. Not even his co-workers are his friends.

    Does he have any JW friends to go back to if he gets reinstated?

    What does he say what his reasoning is on not wanting to go back now?

    Losing all of ones network of friends/acquaintances is definitely a challenge that one has to be mentally prepared for. Does he indicate how he will deal with this aspect of leaving the JW's?

    For me, the meetings were the source of a serious anxiety problem and after years of suffering, it disappeared overnight once I stopped going to those awful anxiety and depression provoking meetings that were making less and less sense and where I was left feeling hopeless about ever doing enough or being good enough.

  • smiddy3

    Look for other interests/ clubs that either you or your husband could join there are plenty of them out their for you both to choose from .

    All you have to do is a little research in your community to find one or two that interests you and join up even volunteering at an Op shop can be fun you meet a lot of interesting people that way and your helping your local community. Just a few to consider that are in my local area .

    Lions Club ,Senior Citizens ,Probus ,U3A , Legacy ,Meals on Wheels ,Table tennis ,Bowls ,Bocce, Book clubs , their are just so many activities provided for mature age people as well as young people why not take advantage of them and re-start living again.

  • freddo

    Some very good advice for you from the above forum members Whynot.

    May I ask what your "attachment" is?

    Is it close family in the borg?

    Is it the jw hope for the future? (Resurrection/Paradise)

    If it's the former then maybe, just maybe a reinstatement and fade out IS the way to go.

    If largely the latter then maybe you can retain a "Christian" belief and hope without going through 8 deluded men in New York - just go "direct" in your thoughts and prayers.

    If you want to reinforce and support each other for as long as you retain some semblance of christian beliefs play the "Jehovah understands" broken record out loud.

    Best of luck!

  • The Fall Guy
    The Fall Guy

    WHYNOT, it sounds very much that you feel as if you are confronted with a "lesser of two evils" choice.

    Think in terms of the rest of your lives before you decide which road you choose to go down.

    Most of us here now realise that our "loving friends in the truth" - the only "true Christians" on planet earth - were only our friends as long as we subjected ourselves to the cult leaders and their slave-masters.

    The best advice I would offer is this; get out into your part of the world and discover new things to do, then you'll find new interests and new friends and acquaintances - sincere people who will actually respect you for being an individual. I wish you both a peaceful journey on your road.

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