Looking for experiences from those who are married with kids and have dissacociated

by UnshackleTheChains 19 Replies latest jw experiences

  • UnshackleTheChains
    UnshackleTheChains

    Hi all,

    This is a question for those who officially left the organisation and are married; and your spouse and kids are still in.'. I just wanted to find out what your experience has been when you dissacociated.The following questions go through my mind all the time. It always comes back to the what if's!

    My questions are specifically:

    Do some witnesses still come to your house for association with your still in spouse? Or do all of them avoid your home like the plague?

    Do some of the more down to earth...keeping it real ones still talk to you as normal when they come to visit your spouse etc?

    Do they allow their kids over for sleep overs and association and carry on as normal?

    Did you write to relatives who are JW's and respectfully say they need not worry; that they could still come over, but that you would respectfully refrain from discussing anything spiritual out of respect for their beliefs?

    Do any or even all of your JW relatives avoid visiting your home despite the fact your spouse and children are still attending?

    Did your dissacociation cause a lot of stress between you and your spouse and children?

    Did your experience affect your mental health?

    And finally

    Was it worth it? Or do you wish you had simply faded?

    I would be really grateful if you could share some of your experiences.

    Thanks

  • jambon1
    jambon1

    I'd always go with a gradual fade. Why play by their rules and make things easy for them to implement their hideous shunning rules?

    I faded years ago and it makes things easier all round. I quite like the dilemma most of them find themselves in when not knowing how to treat me. It perplexes them also that they have to see me living a fairly good life. They're privvy to stuff about my life that they certainly wouldn't be if they shut down all communication.

    Of course, whatever you decide is your choice and your truest of friends will always stick by you regardless. Of that number you'll only ever have a few in life but I've found it's all you need.

    Im all for disempowering their stupid rules.

  • pale.emperor
    pale.emperor

    I disassociated but was disfellowshipped anyway afterwards. Yes, i know it doesn't make sense, they wanted to "chat" to me about my decision and during that chat disfellowshipped me.

    I have a 3yo daughter and am now separated from my wife.

    Do some witnesses still come to your house for association with your still in spouse? Or do all of them avoid your home like the plague?

    Nope. They treat me the same way the pharisee's treated lepers. They literally jump out of their skin and look the other way in the street.

    Do some of the more down to earth...keeping it real ones still talk to you as normal when they come to visit your spouse etc?

    As above. No. My spouse lives with her parents. Im told that the cliques in the congregation included her for about 2 weeks and worked with her in service, but we now know that this was just the get the details, the gossip. They dont bother with her anymore.

    Do they allow their kids over for sleep overs and association and carry on as normal?

    My daughter has one little friend her age in the KH. There's no sleepovers but she does do little days out every now and then with JW kids. My ex takes her on these though.

    Did you write to relatives who are JW's and respectfully say they need not worry; that they could still come over, but that you would respectfully refrain from discussing anything spiritual out of respect for their beliefs?

    I used to. I made it very clear that i have no interest in drawing them away from their religion if they're happy with it. They dont reply. Or on the rare occasion that my sister does it's to tell me im going to die in armageddon. My mum tells people im dead. My other sister stalks my Facebook and makes up stories about me to the rest of the family.

    Do any or even all of your JW relatives avoid visiting your home despite the fact your spouse and children are still attending?

    No one even knows where i live, let alone try to visit. My mum does sometimes ask my ex to bring my daughter over to visit.

    Did your dissacociation cause a lot of stress between you and your spouse and children?

    Not at first. When i told my then-wife that i no longer believed it, she was troubled but ok about it. Only when i actually DA'd did she leave me. Her elder father helped with that.

    Did your experience affect your mental health?

    No. But it could have. I was fortunate to have people on here and Ex-JW Facebook group to help me through it. I refused to sit at home and think of all the bad stuff. It has changed me though. Im a lot more abrupt when JWs on their carts try to convert me back.

    Was it worth it? Or do you wish you had simply faded?

    Yes! Vert worth it. Fading means they still have some hold on you. Now everyone knows where i stand.

  • UnshackleTheChains
    UnshackleTheChains
    Im all for disempowering their stupid rules.

    Thanks Jambon. I very much agree with you. Playing by their rules only feeds their power. I think it really depends on circumstances. If I had no relatives involved, I would have simply dissacociated along time ago.

    I disassociated but was disfellowshipped anyway afterwards. Yes, i know it doesn't make sense, they wanted to "chat" to me about my decision and during that chat disfellowshipped me.

    Hi pale emporer

    I am sure I saw your video fairly recently if my memory serves me correctly. There are no lengths these people will go to. These guys couldn't simply accept your decision to dissacociate and leave it at that. Its despicable what they did especially when they know the consequences you would face. Downright cruel.Thankyou for sharing your experience. Your answers have given me all the answers I need. In your case, you are happy with your decision and am glad you have found closure. This cult screws up people's lives. They break up families. It is so sad. I wish you and your daughter all the best for the future.

  • Noah Swarz
    Noah Swarz
    Family Experience: My brother faded years ago and seems to work OK if you still want to keep some sort of relationship with friends and family, not 100%. He committed adultery years later but since he's not technically active there was not JC. MY dad is an elder and the person my brother committed adultery with is a cousin living under my dad's roof (crazy right). So, fading seems to work if you'd like to keep some friends and family but it's hard when you know what you know now.
  • pale.emperor
    pale.emperor

    Hi pale emporer

    I am sure I saw your video fairly recently if my memory serves me correctly. There are no lengths these people will go to. These guys couldn't simply accept your decision to dissacociate and leave it at that. Its despicable what they did especially when they know the consequences you would face. Downright cruel.Thankyou for sharing your experience. Your answers have given me all the answers I need. In your case, you are happy with your decision and am glad you have found closure. This cult screws up people's lives. They break up families. It is so sad. I wish you and your daughter all the best for the future.

    Hi. Thanks. Yes that video actually resulted in LOTS of JWs getting in touch. A few from the north west of England contacted and arranged a meet up. I've met some people who's lives have been really F'd up when all's they wanted was to be left alone. I took the video down after about 2 weeks. I wanted to get it out there but not for all my family and former friends to see because all that would happen is i'd be gossip for my former congregation. I may do another one in more detail in the future.

  • Anders Andersen
    Anders Andersen

    I'm not officially DA. But I didn't fade either.
    I went from being an active bro with some privileges (reading WT, public prayer) to atheist evolutionist apostate in a single day. For myself it took about 4-6 weeks, but everyone else only saw the result. After I told my wife my findings, I never went to a single meeting, and she told everyone why.

    • Do some witnesses still come to your house for association with your still in spouse? Or do all of them avoid your home like the plague?
      If they do, they do it during the day when I'm not home. Only 2 BFF of both of us visit when I'm there, but not nearly as often as before.
      Others (some pioneer friends who had dinner at our place every week) never came back at all.
    • Do some of the more down to earth...keeping it real ones still talk to you as normal when they come to visit your spouse etc?
      They do, but I'm somewhat sure they wouldn't if I were officially DA/DF.
    • Do they allow their kids over for sleep overs and association and carry on as normal?
      N/A as our kid is too young for that. Otherwise I doubt they would. Only the BFF kids ever visit us, but only when it's needed (i.e. my wife babysits them).
    • Did you write to relatives who are JW's and respectfully say they need not worry; that they could still come over, but that you would respectfully refrain from discussing anything spiritual out of respect for their beliefs?
      Yes I did. In-laws are JW (my own family all POMO). BIL (an elder) and SIL shun me. FIL/MIL are shocked and sad but treat me as before. But I know MIL will follow the WT rules and shun me if I'm officially out.
    • Do any or even all of your JW relatives avoid visiting your home despite the fact your spouse and children are still attending?
      Yes BIL/SIL. Good thing they live in another country and aren't around often. They were recently and avoided me as much as they could.
    • Did your dissacociation cause a lot of stress between you and your spouse and children?
      Wife: yes. Two years of stress and alienation. I made sure to never bring up JW related topics. We only talked about those first month I was out as my wife wanted to understand me (which she still doesn't). By now she is capable of seeing me (instead of the Satanic apostate) again. She wouldn't have stayed if it weren't for our child, who she thinks deserves both parents 24/7.
      Kid doesn't know, is only 2 years old.
    • Did your experience affect your mental health?
      No, not really. But I'm capable of detaching myself from (lost) friends and perfectly happy solitary. I'm also not prone to stress or anxiety. I did notice myself lying in bed awake, having hypothetical conversations with my wife.
    • Was it worth it? Or do you wish you had simply faded?
      I can't play pretend, and will not be someone I'm not to please others. So yes, it's worth it. I couldn't have done the long fade.

    By the way, if you're capable of pretending/faking, I suggest to fake starting research and bring your wife with you on your trip. My wife was mostly shocked that I didn't inform her when I started my research. It was a breach of trust. I might even have gotten her out...I've heard more than one exjw relate the same. Don't keep your spouse in the dark too long.

  • Cold Steel
    Cold Steel

    Must be interesting to be around someone who thinks you're going to be smoked on the day of Arrmageddon. Someone else on the forum indicated that if one is a fallen JW, that they might still be salvagable if they're resurrected on the big day and then decide to go with Jehovah when they see what's going down. I've actually heard this before as it pertains to those who die without hearing the gospel message. You're resurrected, then you see what's going down and you make your choice. I'm not certain how it works or what kind of a time frame is involved, but it's supposed to be some sort of a recalibration that makes things more equitable.

    Of course, if you're alive when this all goes down, you've pretty much sealed your fate. There's also the tribulation that to my knowledge still hasn't taken place. If you see the tribulation beginning, you may decide to return when you see it fulfilled, which raises the question of how many fallen JWs would return if they saw some of these things starting to take place? (I've seen THE BUNKER videos and don't they have to start rounding JWs up _before_ Armageddon happens?)

    Also, as far as I know, adultery and murder are the only two reasons one can use for divorce. Apostasy doesn't apply. If a JW spouse stays in a marriage and the other one begins to negatively influence the kids, that can't be good for the Society.

  • eyeuse2badub
    eyeuse2badub

    To me, DA'ing is somewhat like willfully refusing to pay your federal taxes. Sure, we all hate paying taxes and the federal government is mostly wrong, and very hypocritical but they have power and can throw you in jail if you don't pay. In jail, you don't get to be with your friends and loved ones. You become a felon and hardly anyone talks to you any more except fellow inmates. But you did make a statement.

    On the other hand, a gradual fade is somewhat like most of us do when it comes to paying taxes. Cheat on our tax return, work for cash 'under the table', claim questionable deductions, and basically commit fraud. We do everything to avoid paying taxes but we don't usually go to jail (unless we get caught) lol.

    Maybe that's just to simple and illustration but it works for me and I spent several years deciding which way to go. Possibly I took the 'easy' route but we all have a choice and I like the freedom to undermine the wtbts and their bs every chance I get even to my former fellow elders and long time witness friends.

    just saying!

  • dogisgod
    dogisgod

    Okay. so how are divorces happening when someone leaves the borg? That is not a scriptural ground.

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