Jonah Letter

by Coded Logic 10 Replies latest social humour

  • Coded Logic
    Coded Logic

    Dear Brothers and Sisters,

    It has come to our attention that many in our ministry are encountering individuals who question the accuracy of the Bible on scientific grounds. For example, they may ask questions such as, how does a snake talk when it has no vocal chords or mouth and lip muscles? Or, how could the earth have have been created "in the beginning" when it wasn't formed until the heavens were 9 billion years old (or 2/3 the age of the universe)?

    These questions, on the surface, may seem to be insurmountable. However, we can have faith that Jehovah will provide us with the right words at the right time. We will now consider one such topic in depth - how did Jonah survive inside a large fish for three days and three nights?

    Right away it seems like Jonah would drown almost immediately inside the belly of a fish as there is no air. And this is certainly true. However, we know that in ancient Hebrew the words "fish" and "whale" were interchangeable. So it may well be that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. But this of course has it's own issues. For example, no whale has an esophagus large enough for a human to travel down. Also, whales have multi-chambered stomachs like cows and hippos that are full of hydrochloric acid and pepsin which would easily eat the flesh off of a human. And the only air inside a whales stomach is hydrogen so anyone trapped inside would quickly asphyxiate.

    So, is the account in the Bible of a man surviving three days and three nights inside a fish really believable? Of course it is! There are at least two historical accounts of people being trapped inside a whale. The first, or course, is the story of Jonah. And the second is the account of Geppetto - the father of Pinocchio.

    The second account may give us some insights. First, we know that Geppetto was a small Italian man - so this may explain how he was able to fit down the throat of a whale. While the Bible doesn't say anything about the stature of Jonah - it would be logical to conclude he was a midget. Next, we know that Geppetto was a carpenter. So he may have been able to fashion a raft of system of planks inside the whale to stay above the hydrochloric acid. And as Jonah was a man of antiquity, he too would surely have these skills as well. Lastly, we know that Geppetto was from Tuscany - which if famous for it's wine. So Geppetto may have been plastered drunk while in the whale and not minded that there was no oxygen to breath. And, considering that Jonah jumped off a ship right in the middle of a storm, it would be natural to conclude that he was completely wasted too.

    So there we have it - a perfectly sensible reply to anyone questioning the scientific accuracy of the Bible. We know that we can always rely on Jehovah. And don't forget to keep an eye out for our letter next week in which we will address the account of Balaam and his talking donkey with a deep scientific analysis. Titled, "How an Ass Talks" you know we are more than qualified to speak on this topic.


    The Governing Borg

  • tepidpoultry

    You're overlooking the fact that Blue Fairy was active in both instances,

    As Disney has bought the rights to both stories you will be hearing from

    our lawyers,



  • kpop

    HAHAHAHA nice!

    One of my favorite scientific stories in the bible is that of "Jehovah God Almighty Creator of Everything" incorrectly describing rabbits as ruminants! Of course, a real God wouldn't make that mistake but I'd expect a nomadic goat herder with the scientific knowledge of an Australian koala to make that sort of a mistake.

    But nice letter. Our collective distaste for the cult gets the creative juices flowing. :)

  • Crazyguy

    Kpop, do you have the scripture ?

  • kpop

    Leviticus 11:4-6

    And even better.... Jehovah says that a bat (of the order Chiroptera) is a bird! LOLOLOL What a moron this Jehovah is! BATS ARE MAMMALS!!! You learn this in 1st grade - unless you are a nomadic goat herder from the Bronze age.

    Leviticus 11:13-19

  • Simon

    It's got that GB feel to it spot on - definitely sounds like the sort of explanations they give.

  • jonahstourguide

    I was there


  • scratchme1010

    That was a good fun post. Thanks for the laughs.

  • doubtfull1799

    Brilliant - you've just taken apologetics to a whole new level... actually, maybe not! That how crazy it all is....

  • waton

    Actually in the "science copies creation" series of the WT/ Awake, there should have been an article how the makers of heartburn, antacid remedies, copied the means God must have used to change the chemistry of the fishy guts into an oxygen producing benign environment.

    There was a story about an Oregon man who got fined for suggesting a change in the timing of traffic lights. he was fined for taking the lead, in doing engineering without a [ local] license.

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