Welcome. Some guys would think you are very successful. The part about forgiving yourself and being forgiven by jehovah. The problem is you are trapped in an endless cycle and not really getting to the main important thing in your life which is finishing your critique of the wtbs. Once you investigate their history and prophetic statements you'll see. You keep running back to the Hall to get yourself right with God and feel better. Perhaps the fear of Armageddon leaves you with a sense of urgency you just can't live with. That's the problem. You can pray to Jehovah and be forgive all by youself--even seventy-seven times (no limit). This doesn't mean you are free to continue as before but you are really forgiven. The burg would like you to feel the need for them to keep you prayers from being hindered, etc., etc. Youv'e heard that before. Stop running back to them to feel better and finish your investigation of the societ and their true history. Then you will see that they are not what they say they are and you can find the real truth. You do not need them.
My experience and motives
Quote -It all clicked about three years ago. What a difference it made in my life. Please just read the bible. Know that God loves you and knows you are searching and wanting HIM in your life. The best quote out of them all... remember that god loves you and knows. There is no debating that!
Noumenon - Welcome!
offer me the compansionship and emotional support I needed
This to me is really what you're looking for - a sense of belonging. I know, cause I felt that way too. I would "shop" around different congregations to try and find one where I could "fit", then move to that area, but it never really helped. The reason is that true Christians and generous warm-hearted atheists and peaceful Buddhists and supportive shamans exist everywhere on this planet.
As one poster suggested, you must finish your research on the Watchtower society, the doctrines (ransom, 144,000, faithful and discreet slave) and then you'll be able to free yourself of the guilt. The Watchtower society has wedged itself between humans and Jehovah, but that's a false doctrine. Find out whatever you can - Crisis of Conscience is a great start. Also, try reading The True Believer by Eric Hoeffer. It's about mass movements, and has no mention of Jehovah's Witnesses, but when you read it you will be amazed at the parallels between other movements (such as Communism and Nazism ) and the Watchtower Society.
I'm not trying to subvert your faith - it's the opposite effect, actually. You will come to know for yourself what is true for you, with no other intermediaries, and thus you will find true faith, the type Jesus spoke of finding on earth at his return.
It is scary to look into. Many, myself included, started our research into the Bible wanting to find the basis of true Christian faith and came up with startling conclusions about our beliefs! You need to do the same, you need to have your beliefs, not those imposed (then changed and changed again) by a group of men in Brooklyn.
May your journey lead you to a delightful end.
Just a little encouragement:
Paul struggled too. (though we do not know what with)
Listen (Romans 7:15)
"For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.
For I have the desire to do what it good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do, no, the evil I do not want to to do... this I keep on doing.
Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work:................when I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my INNER being I delight in God's law, but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisioner of the law of sin at work within my members.
What a wrecthed man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? THANKS BE TO GOD THROUGH JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD!
by the apostle Paul
agape love, gold_morning