Greetings. I'm an inactive dub. I still ponder a lot on my true motives and the chain of events and developments in my heart and mind that have led to where I am. Here's my story anyway. Like many I was troubled by the 'new light' on the meaning of the 'this generation' thing that came out in the mid 1990's (I still believe the Society have this all wrong), and I also fortuitously discovered other chronological interpretations which made me question 607BCE and 2520 years and so forth. I think this led me to lose respect and faith in the JW leadership and begin to think more critically about what I was being told. I was now sceptical of anything relating to prophetic interpretations and the timing of events surrounding the end of the system and Christ's return as taught by the WTS. I think this then led to an erosion in my ability to withstand immorality, because I was a single brother who had not had much luck with sisters, and before long I came into temptation to be immoral. Eventually I fell into immorality with a nearly divorced sister, who was at it happens on her way out of the truth anyway. I got privately reproved after running to the elders 2 days after I did 'the deed', but never quite recovered, and didn't 'knuckle down' like a good dub should do to prove their repentance. So I lost the respect of friends and the congregation. I sensed I was being shunned. I was on a slippery slope emotionally. So I eventually just stopped attending altogether out of extreme discouragement. I could no longer sense the love or friendship of the rather cliquey congo I was in (how many aren't cliquey though). I then fell into fornication again with a worldly women this time. I felt bad about it the whole time, but I was dying of loneliness and felt cold emotionally, so I carried on for a while, trying to rationalise in my mind what my body and emotions craved and what I knew in my heart and mind was wrong. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and spurned the love of this nice girl, who I hurt badly by pushing away (something I still regret in hindsight). I ran to the elders like a weak child and wanted my conscience cleared. Amazingly they didn't deep fry me but merely privately reproved me again (I guess I've always been good in 'interview' situations). But thereafter I was being shunned even more and not shown friendship socially by the congo and other single ones. An elder even mentioned that he'd heard someone mention they thought I was a 'womaniser' (I guess I was) which made me feel terrible as I knew now that others were gossiping about me and I had a reputation. So I felt isolated and started missing more and more meetings and stopped going on FS. Eventually I sought the company of my formerly worldly girlfriend again, but I just using her for company and sex really (yes, what a total bastard, I agree), until I reached a point of such self-loathing that I just had to run away from myself. And so I moved to a different part of the country altogether, to try a fresh start spiritually. I had lost all self-respect and despised my own hypocritical immoral behaviour. I joined up with a new congregation in my old home city, with old friends around me and family, who I felt could offer me the compansionship and emotional support I needed to rebuild spiritually. I tried really hard for a while and was doing quite well, but because of my old persistent doubts about some of the Society's teaching re chronology and the timing of Christ's presence etc, I just couldn't maintain the level of service expected of a typical dub. I slackened off and weakened, and isolated myself yet again. I also resented the elders who I felt couldn't be bothered offering me any sheperding or encouragement. And then, yes you guessed it, I met another worldy woman and fell into the same rotten cycle of fornication/remorse/fornication/remorse/fornication again, feed by loneliness and a normal longing for companionship and love. Eventually I fessed to the elders again (don't know why I bothered looking back), and this time I got deep fried for sure (3 strikes and yer out kid!) and was now right out of the truth. But I began attending practically every meeting to get reinstated as quickly as possibly, despite lapsing into immorality a few times while being disfellowshipped and basically lying at my reinstatement meeting 9 months later. What a filthy hypocrite I felt. Yet my main motive in getting reinstated was to have the company of my loved ones again, especially my mother, who was really hurting by my being d'd. Being a classic JW she wouldn't have nought to do with me while d'd, and that pained me also. So my motive for getting re-instated wasn't sincere and genuine. I just wanted to be able to be with my family and a couple of close JW friends again, that's all (what does the Society expect when they create such a cruel shunning policy - they are emotionally blackmailing d'd people into returning so they can associate with loved ones and friends again).
I never recovered after getting reinstated. I ended up carrying on a secret immoral relationship with a sister who threw herself at me in my congregation. What a damn idiot. No one else knows to this day. She just carries on pretending she's a good little dub sister. I've tried to end things with her and I think I've managed to do that now. My conscience is destroyed by my own immorality and sins and I just couldn't face sitting in the Kingdom Hall knowing what I was doing. (1 Cor 14:25)
Now I seem trapped in a cycle of fornication. I miss being a JW in many many ways, and even though I know they have got some things wrong, mainly 1914, and I feel awful and ashamed at the reproach on jehovah's name by the child molestation scandals breaking out (their policy on this is so wrong wot?), there is a big part of me would like to be back again, even if just for the warm association and friendship again. But I feel I practically no chance of gaining the respect of a sister and finding a marriage mate, because of all my past misdemeanours and my bad reputation. I just know I won't have the strength to lift myself by my own shoe-strings and go to every meeting and go on FS all the time to rebuild my reputation. It's too hard and I'm too weak.
I often think back nostalgically to my happy times as a dub. I was born into it, so it will always be a part of me, I'm not stupid enough to fool myself into not believing that. I am a CHRISTIAN. I WANT to be a GOOD CHRISTIAN and obey Jehovah and Jesus Christ! That's what it's about at the end of the day - OBEDIENCE TO GOD AND JESUS! I hate myself for being immoral and wish I could bust out of this cycle and just be strong for what I know is right and be a good christian again. One day I know I will...with God's help. Meantime I hope Jehovah doesn't judge me too harshly but looks for something deeper and better in the recesses of my heart. Every now and then I offer a little tearful prayer to jehovah for mercy and forgiveness. I hope he hears me and searches my kidneys for something good. One day I know I will be a good christian again and make him proud of me again.