My experience and motives

by Noumenon 13 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Noumenon

    Greetings. I'm an inactive dub. I still ponder a lot on my true motives and the chain of events and developments in my heart and mind that have led to where I am. Here's my story anyway. Like many I was troubled by the 'new light' on the meaning of the 'this generation' thing that came out in the mid 1990's (I still believe the Society have this all wrong), and I also fortuitously discovered other chronological interpretations which made me question 607BCE and 2520 years and so forth. I think this led me to lose respect and faith in the JW leadership and begin to think more critically about what I was being told. I was now sceptical of anything relating to prophetic interpretations and the timing of events surrounding the end of the system and Christ's return as taught by the WTS. I think this then led to an erosion in my ability to withstand immorality, because I was a single brother who had not had much luck with sisters, and before long I came into temptation to be immoral. Eventually I fell into immorality with a nearly divorced sister, who was at it happens on her way out of the truth anyway. I got privately reproved after running to the elders 2 days after I did 'the deed', but never quite recovered, and didn't 'knuckle down' like a good dub should do to prove their repentance. So I lost the respect of friends and the congregation. I sensed I was being shunned. I was on a slippery slope emotionally. So I eventually just stopped attending altogether out of extreme discouragement. I could no longer sense the love or friendship of the rather cliquey congo I was in (how many aren't cliquey though). I then fell into fornication again with a worldly women this time. I felt bad about it the whole time, but I was dying of loneliness and felt cold emotionally, so I carried on for a while, trying to rationalise in my mind what my body and emotions craved and what I knew in my heart and mind was wrong. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and spurned the love of this nice girl, who I hurt badly by pushing away (something I still regret in hindsight). I ran to the elders like a weak child and wanted my conscience cleared. Amazingly they didn't deep fry me but merely privately reproved me again (I guess I've always been good in 'interview' situations). But thereafter I was being shunned even more and not shown friendship socially by the congo and other single ones. An elder even mentioned that he'd heard someone mention they thought I was a 'womaniser' (I guess I was) which made me feel terrible as I knew now that others were gossiping about me and I had a reputation. So I felt isolated and started missing more and more meetings and stopped going on FS. Eventually I sought the company of my formerly worldly girlfriend again, but I just using her for company and sex really (yes, what a total bastard, I agree), until I reached a point of such self-loathing that I just had to run away from myself. And so I moved to a different part of the country altogether, to try a fresh start spiritually. I had lost all self-respect and despised my own hypocritical immoral behaviour. I joined up with a new congregation in my old home city, with old friends around me and family, who I felt could offer me the compansionship and emotional support I needed to rebuild spiritually. I tried really hard for a while and was doing quite well, but because of my old persistent doubts about some of the Society's teaching re chronology and the timing of Christ's presence etc, I just couldn't maintain the level of service expected of a typical dub. I slackened off and weakened, and isolated myself yet again. I also resented the elders who I felt couldn't be bothered offering me any sheperding or encouragement. And then, yes you guessed it, I met another worldy woman and fell into the same rotten cycle of fornication/remorse/fornication/remorse/fornication again, feed by loneliness and a normal longing for companionship and love. Eventually I fessed to the elders again (don't know why I bothered looking back), and this time I got deep fried for sure (3 strikes and yer out kid!) and was now right out of the truth. But I began attending practically every meeting to get reinstated as quickly as possibly, despite lapsing into immorality a few times while being disfellowshipped and basically lying at my reinstatement meeting 9 months later. What a filthy hypocrite I felt. Yet my main motive in getting reinstated was to have the company of my loved ones again, especially my mother, who was really hurting by my being d'd. Being a classic JW she wouldn't have nought to do with me while d'd, and that pained me also. So my motive for getting re-instated wasn't sincere and genuine. I just wanted to be able to be with my family and a couple of close JW friends again, that's all (what does the Society expect when they create such a cruel shunning policy - they are emotionally blackmailing d'd people into returning so they can associate with loved ones and friends again).

    I never recovered after getting reinstated. I ended up carrying on a secret immoral relationship with a sister who threw herself at me in my congregation. What a damn idiot. No one else knows to this day. She just carries on pretending she's a good little dub sister. I've tried to end things with her and I think I've managed to do that now. My conscience is destroyed by my own immorality and sins and I just couldn't face sitting in the Kingdom Hall knowing what I was doing. (1 Cor 14:25)

    Now I seem trapped in a cycle of fornication. I miss being a JW in many many ways, and even though I know they have got some things wrong, mainly 1914, and I feel awful and ashamed at the reproach on jehovah's name by the child molestation scandals breaking out (their policy on this is so wrong wot?), there is a big part of me would like to be back again, even if just for the warm association and friendship again. But I feel I practically no chance of gaining the respect of a sister and finding a marriage mate, because of all my past misdemeanours and my bad reputation. I just know I won't have the strength to lift myself by my own shoe-strings and go to every meeting and go on FS all the time to rebuild my reputation. It's too hard and I'm too weak.

    I often think back nostalgically to my happy times as a dub. I was born into it, so it will always be a part of me, I'm not stupid enough to fool myself into not believing that. I am a CHRISTIAN. I WANT to be a GOOD CHRISTIAN and obey Jehovah and Jesus Christ! That's what it's about at the end of the day - OBEDIENCE TO GOD AND JESUS! I hate myself for being immoral and wish I could bust out of this cycle and just be strong for what I know is right and be a good christian again. One day I know I will...with God's help. Meantime I hope Jehovah doesn't judge me too harshly but looks for something deeper and better in the recesses of my heart. Every now and then I offer a little tearful prayer to jehovah for mercy and forgiveness. I hope he hears me and searches my kidneys for something good. One day I know I will be a good christian again and make him proud of me again.

  • rocketman

    Welcome Nouman.

  • shamus

    Welcome Nourman!

    If you want faith-crashing, you've come to the right place. If you just want to chat, that's ok too. We won't persecute you for your beliefs.

    A question - have you ever read Crisis Of Conscience? You should. Although considered an apostate book, it will show you the life and times of how the organization works, and how Jehovah has nothing to do with running it. Your eyes will be opened and you will be set free.

    The question to you is do you want to be set free? Do you want to take the pill, so to speak?

    I, frankly, took the pill and have no regrets. My faith in Jehovah was unwaivering. When my eyes were opened, I could not morally stand the behavior of this cult. Yes, I said it. CULT. I didn't believe that one either..... at best, though, you would have to agree, they are a high-control group, no?

    Anyways, welcome aboard and take the pill. You'll find yourself happier and find out that you are human after all. God does not want to anniahlate you!

  • wednesday

    wow, that was a hard read, the type was small, or i am nearly blind.

    Welcome to the board.

    I understand u are beating yourself up. but really, sex is a normal part of life, and by telling people it is a sin, they only increase the chances that u will. . .I'm thinking u should just accept u are a normal person who wants a sexual relationship with a woman. Date and locate that person. Today it is all about safe sex. U should not feel so much self loathing for a natural thing.

    after i stopped going to the meetings, i found other reasons not to do certain thigns, I did not fear the big A or hell ,but found i just really wanted to lead a good life.

    probably once u settle down, u too will just accept u are human and also, it sounds like, want to lead a good life. U will discover how to moniter your own behavior, without confessing to a bunch of elders. pray about this, and decide what is right for u.

    You'll get a lot of encourgement here, .

    welcome and congrats on joining the human race

  • liquidsky

    Hello & Welcome!

  • talesin


    I was born into it, so it will always be a part of me

    Although this may be true, as it was part of your early upbringing, you can overcome the bad parts and learn to celebrate the good!!!

    Every now and then I offer a little tearful prayer to jehovah for mercy and forgiveness .

    I used to do this as well for the first year or two after I left. I just got so sick of feeling guilty, so one day, I prayed to Jah and said "Dear Jah, this is my last prayer. If what they say is right, then I will be destroyed at Armageddon. But I honestly don't believe it anymore and my heart is pure. So, Jehovah, if you really are the supreme God, you will know this and forgive me." Then I never thought about it again.

    TWENTY years later, and I am so happy for my freedom. It seems hard to change what you were raised indoctrinated to be, but trust me, these feelings of guilt will pass if you choose. Once you make the decision to feel good about yourself, your whole perspective will change.

    Keep reading this board, participating. I wish it had been here when I left the 'lie'. And get out there and make some new friends in the "REAL WORLD". You'll be surprised (and delighted) at how much you won't miss the phoney 'fellowship' of the JWs.


  • NoMoreMeetings

    You may want to start reading another translation of the Bible. This has helped many to leave the Watchtower and remain a Christian.

    You will learn who you are to God, who God really is and how simple Christianity is.


  • shamus

    One more thing that I wanted to add,

    God does NOT expect you to be perfect. I am not saying to go out and rob a bank, but having normal sexual urges does NOT make you a horrible person. On the contrary, it is normal for human beings to have these!

    If you consider yourself or strive to be "perfect", doesn't that say to god that you do not need Jesus ransom sacrifice? Hmmm? Just another mind-control tactic of the watchtower..... they are actually blaspheming their god by making you feel horrendous guilt by not being perfect! HA!

    Did not Jesus say to people let all those burdened and loaded come to me? Did he not dine with prostitutes? (or tax collectors?)

    The sooner that your eyes are opened, the more happy you shall be. Approach everything with simply an open mind. The truth will blind you! You will never look at the WTBTS the same!

  • gold_morning


    Welcome!! I really sense a deep struggle you are holding inside..... in your heart. You have a real desire to please God, but fear he no longer wants you. There is real truth in the bible (not the Watchtower magazines) that holds the key to salvation.

    I too was raised a JW. Third generation. I was disfellowshiped in the early 80's and spent 16 years in limbo away from God because I believed what they told me. That God wanted nothing more to do with me and that he would not even hear my prayers any longer. I was like the dog that had returned to it's own vomit. I had been weeded out!! I just could not measure up. I WORKED SO HARD TO EARN MY SALVATION. I was a pioneer sister and attended all the meetings.

    Anyway, 16 years flew by. I had lost all family and friends. Deep in my heart I wanted God again, but felt I was unworthy and hopeless. About 6 years ago I began reading the bible again. Yes, the NWT!! I could not believe how different the things were that I was reading from what I had been brought up to believe me whole life. I read and read and read. It became a quest to understand. Eventually it became an art to be able to read the bible without the Watchtower glasses on.

    It all clicked about three years ago. What a difference it made in my life. Please just read the bible. Know that God loves you and knows you are searching and wanting HIM in your life.

    Please, please e-mail me. I can show you some very basic things I have found. I am not being preachy......I just want to show you and you can draw your own conclusions.

    I am at..... [email protected]

    agape love, gold_morning

  • gold_morning


    Most people of different religions, especially witnesses, have a difficult time seperating God from religion. Chatholics believe they must be baptised Chatholic to go to heaven. Baptists believe they must be baptist, mormans believe they must be mormans. We were no different. We felt we must be baptised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses to be saved. Look at where the bible says we must turn to be saved. Is the kingdom hall......or belonging to the organization the means we need to have God's blessings? Please read this slow and consider. It was such an eye opener to me!!!!!

    Acts 4:12....."Salvation is found in NO ONE ELSE, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved."

    Here it shows our salvation comes from Jesus. It does not say salvation is found from RELIGION to be saved ( including from jehovah's witnesses)... but found in NO ONE ELSE but Jesus.

    1John 5:12.."He who HAS the Son, HAS life..."

    Again, it does not point to a religion or code of ethics from a group of men to be saved, but merely the Son, Jesus.

    Look what it says in Ephsians 2:4-8. ...."But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made US ALIVE with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions.........IT IS BY GRACE YOU HAVE BEEN SAVED.....(verse 8)..."For it is by grace you have been saved, IT IS A GIFT FROM GOD.. NOT BY WORKS so that no none can boast."

    So we are made alive with Chirst because it is a GIFT from God. A present!! See, we don't have to do anything for a present. IT is a gift. To make that clear he said that it is NOT our works that save us. All those countless hours in the door to door service, and all those meetings we could not miss, does not save us!! We cannot earn our salvation. It is a gift because of the great love of God. It is knowing Jesus personally. It is accepting that it was He who died for us so that we could be righteous before God to receive the gift he gave us....namely everlasting life. Remember that scripture we just read.... He who has the son has life.

    Titus 3:5 backs this up. It says...."He saved us, NOT BECAUSE OF righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy."

    There is no acts we can do religiously that can save us. Religion makes us "self-righteous". Only being saved thru Jesus makes us righteous before God. We can't give oursleves life..... a religion cannot give us this gift. The elders cannot give us this either, nor can the organization. It takes away from Jesus. When he died, Jesus said..."It is finished!!" He bought us life forever. Who does the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society think they are? They think they can grant us life thru them and take it away thru disfellowshiping. They are taking the place of Chirst.

    How about Romans 3:22..."This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to ALL who believe."

    Notice again that we become righteous from faith in Jesus and that it is open to ALL who believe in Him. Not a select few from a particular religion. But ALL!! It is there for Jew and Gentile. Not just Jew and Jehovah's witnesses.

    Does knowledge get us life? Not according to the bible. Jesus himself says in John 5:39..."You diligently study the scriptures (like we did as witnesses) because you think by means of them you posses eternal life. These are the scriptures that testify about me.Yet you refuse to COME TO ME TO HAVE LIFE."

    So it is not knowledge that saves us either. There is nothing wrong with knowledge, but that is not where our salvation lies. We must come to Jesus to have life. It is the love of God and knowing him that saves us. A few verses down in 41 Jesus says "I know that you do not have the love of God in your hearts."

    The key to salvation is knowing Jesus and having a good heart, just like Jesus did. As witnesses we knew "all about Jesus", but never knew him personally. You can know all about President Bush. You can know what school he went to, his grades, who he dated, what year he married, how many children he had, where he lived, when he quit drinking, about his political life and his presidency. But can you say you personally know him? Have you talked to him? Are you a friend of his? Do you talk on the phone? No. So you know all about him, but don't know him personally. That is how it is with God and being a witnesses.

    I remember fearing Jehovah. He was this God exacting exculsive devotion that I just could not measure up to. No matter how many works I did, no matter how many years I pioneered. I never knew if I would survive armegeddon. My salvation was not assured. Would I survive Armegeddon??..lurked on my mind. Now I know that he is a God of great love, mercy, kindness and patience.

    So, I am sorry that this is so long. I have only touched the tip of the iceburg. Don't let them fool you. They are taking on the role of judgement that is reserved for God only!! He loves all his children here. Jesus came to save the world.. not condemn those in it. Why on his deathbed on the cross he saved a criminal that deserved to die. Why, because he read the criminal's heart. He knew that this criminal accepted him as savior and was sorry. He did not do good preaching works. He had no knowledge, yet this gift was given to him. It was not what he did... but rather what his heart felt.

    He knows your heart Noumenon. Think of this. Jesus came and died for us because he WANTED us so badly he paid the price. The price was his blood. He did not have to....... he wanted to.

    please write me if you like. [email protected]

    agape love, gold_morning

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