Elder asking for help

by untruth 50 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Onager

    Hi Untruth and welcome! You've woken up but your wife hasn't so is there any reason why you can't take your foot off the gas and sloooow down?

    I know that the drive to convince someone you love who you think has wrong beliefs is incredibly strong (keeps me awake at night sometimes), but what really is the rush?

    Have you read Combatting Cult Mind Control by Steve Hassan? I found it's methods of gradually helping people useful. It can take a long time, years even, but the risk of rushing things is that you'll push the person even further in and lose them entirely.

    Good luck!


  • Drwho

    Heartbreaking story

  • wizzstick

    Hi untruth,

    We've been out for just over 3 years.

    What woke my wife up was seeing how unloving the brothers were. It was so bad we took a month 'off'. Whilst she was very low, she read Crisis of Conscience.

    And that was it for her.

    I was very, very lucky.

    All I can suggest is that you look out for when she is weak and encourage on a date night or something.

    But this forum will be a great place to vent.

    We're in the UK if it helps.

  • The Searcher
    The Searcher

    Welcome UNTRUTH. Now that you've taken the huge step to join others "in the same boat", just take your time and plan your strategy. Personally, I wouldn't focus on the org's personalities or business practices when speaking with a J.W. - especially your wife. As you've already shown, she's got her "conversation stoppers" ready, stuff such as "wait on Jehovah", "they're imperfect men", "there's nowhere else we can go."

    Concentrate on the doctrinal lies by asking her questions about a certain topic. Let her reason on the gulf between what the org says and what the Bible says. Only then can she begin to see that the WTBTS is not God's organization - that it's no better than any other cult/sect which claims to be "the true religion."

    You have a P.M.

  • RichardHaley

    When I stepped down and just became a regular pub everyone started treating my wife and I different. We were no longer in the "club." This was noticed by her more than anything else. I didn't realize it at the time but looking back can see this affected her the most. She still goes to mtngs etc. but is treated as an outsider in many ways. I still support her at assemblies etc. Other family members have pumped up things against me since the last convention but my wife sees right through it. She is thinking more clearly and we discuss things openly. It takes time. Don't attack, take your time and encourage her to think for herself. It will have to be her decision to wake up.

  • berrygerry
  • Greybeard

    Bro I love your letter! Thank you for writing it! It gives me hope for my family. My own son is a elder and my brother. Bro, I went through hell waking up and I have some advice for you that might be a little out of the box but I think it is the best advice I can give. I did it all wrong, I lost my wife. I have reviewed and studied what I did and what others did. I am not going to go into all of that. Here is what I would do if I was you.

    If you want to get your wife to think, you cannot do it by saying anything negative about the org. They are like robots when it comes to that. JUST BE HAPPY AND POSITIVE ALL THE TIME. Like you know something she doesn't know... I would stop all meetings and be happy about it. Do other things on those nights and invite her to go along. If she goes to the meeting let her go and come back happy from wherever you go. BE HAPPY.... and you don't need to explain why, she can figure it out like you did. You got to bee cool, don't play the fool, the husband who is head of the house... that will never work. Just be cool, kind and happy for real, thats how to win this game in my book. Its a relationship and you still got to be nice and attractive. As soon as you are not nice you are unattractive. People are attracted to happy positive people who are confident. Her doubts will bother her. This takes time, be patient. It will not be easy but if you keep your cool you will win. I lost.... I did it the other way because I was angry at all of them and I gave them both barrels in text and as much proof as I could find. That don't work believe me. BE HAPPY, BE COOL, You sound like a cool guy to me and very smart!

    I am happy for you!

    By the way, I copied your letter and emailed it to my family! No response yet ;) Don't be like me, it doesn't work

  • Sanchy

    Welcome Untruth,

    I can relate to your situation, as earlier this year I too listened to my doubts and after doing some research also realized how wrong the org is. I too had to work with my "hardcore" wife; but, with time, she too saw the light. So there's hope my friend.

    I stepped down as elder and informed the body the reason of my decision, that being I had serious doubts, and so I could not preach something from the platform that I wasn't completely sure about. Depending on how the individuals in your body of elders are, they might just think of you as "spiritually weak" and leave the matter in "jehovah's hands".


    -DO NOT SHOW HER APOSTATE MATERIAL. At least not at first. Instead, use the bible and the watchtower's own publications to "research" a matter.

    -Instead of telling her that something is one way or another, question everything and research together. Even if you've already done research previously and are well versed in the matter, pretend to be ignorant of it, tell her that you have questions on this point, and proceed to do research together. This is what I did with my wife, for instance with the 1914 thing. I told her I'd read in secular sources that Jerusalem wasn't destroyed in 607, and that I couldn't understand it, so we proceeded to do many nights of research together until she herself saw and had no choice but to accept all the evidence against the 1914 date.

    -Avoid getting into heated debates. If you see that her emotions are boiling up, back off and let the matter go. Getting into heated debates will only harden her emotional wall, so, avoid them by all means. Instead, as per the first point, make it a "mutual consideration" of a subject, rather than a you against her debate.

    -Be the best husband you can be. Show her that being happy does not depend on being a member of the organization, but rather in being good individuals. Entice her with things she likes that might distract her fro the org. For instance, if she likes traveling, entice her with an amazing trip that might "interfere" with meetings/preaching/assemblies.

  • never a jw
    never a jw

    Welcome untruth! I am glad to see the talented leave the WT, even if it a protracted process

    Your situation looks bad, but it could be worse.

    What about other family members? brothers, parents? are they in?

    Based on many stories I've read here, I think you should pretend to continue to have an unwavering faith in Jehovah and his promises, even if you are moving in the direction of dumping religion altogether. Keep the Bible and God sacred and above anything else, even if you no longer believe that they are. Your wife needs a gradual and slow transition.

  • Stealth

    Welcome Untruth,

    Good advice from Greybeard and others. Take it slow.

    I think there is a very fine line between getting a spouse mentally free and divorce.

    For many, myself included, breaking that 3 fold cord, inevitably leads to divorce.

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