LifesNotOver - Part Four

by LifesNotOver 18 Replies latest jw friends

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  LifesNotOver

  Hello again. So ... I don't know if any of this is even of interest any more, I know I'm getting kinda bored with it :) So many other more interesting stories out there. Anyway, limped my way through 17 years being a JW until now. Not a good JW mind you. Oh, I always behaved myself ugh! , but never really got into it, never really believed, oh, I know - lukewarm and Jehovah would vomit me out or something?Nice, hey? Well, now I'm even lukewarm-er, bordering on cold. Oh, I know, I'm among those who have "cooled off", and I like it! And now I'm babbling.

  I was slacking off meetings and service more and more until this past year I've been to only a handful of Sunday meetings at the Hall, never comment, no service whatsoever, no mid-week meetings. Just listen in on the phone and if it wasn't for my husband I wouldn't even do that. I can understand now why the pressure to do all that stuff, once you start to take a breather it feels so good you want more, and before long the mind-controlled mind starts to clear and you can start to think for yourself again, and you have the time to think, and you have the time to read other things and you have the time to find a support group such as this! They rob you of your time, they rob you of yourself until you're just an empty shell and they fill you up with their garbage and condemn you if you don't want to be a trash can, spewing your garbage everywhere and on everyone - oh my! - should I delete that last bit? There goes the old guilt trip again - be nice!

  So, my husband is much more "in" than I ever realized. Because he constantly picked fault, I didn't think he'd be so hard-nosed about my findings. My mistake. He's digging in ever deeper. It was all about people's flaws, and minor things like him wanting to keep his beard, not anything deep like things to do with the Governing Body, or the teachings, or the bible. He can't even discuss my new thinking and my new feelings with me - he goes right off the deep end. I've written before about him yelling at me that I was an "Apostate Witch" and he couldn't live with an AW and he'd rather be dead so he rode off on his motorcycle to kill himself - he was back in 2 hours - yeah, I know. What can I say? He loses it sometimes!

  So he's determined to be a better spiritual head, that he takes responsibility for letting me down. So now the elders have taken to dropping by, and my husband insisted we attend a family study group at someone's home the other night, and I'm getting these phone calls from concerned sisters. Argh!! My husband insists he hasn't said anything to anyone, and he probably hasn't said anything that will get me into trouble i.e. about this forum, but has said enough about me being "oh so discouraged" and depressed and in so much pain from my back, etc. that they've finally clued in that this "weak" sister is in danger of "falling away" and they could be held accountable by Jehovah for never befriending me all these years.

  I know I keep writing with so many quotation marks, and that's because I don't want to sound like them anymore but need to when I write about it all.

  I feel like I should be getting to the point of why I'm here. I keep writing and now it's like I've written myself into a corner. I want help and I want to contribute, but feel that without my background you won't be able to help. Although you've done remarkably well up to this point, thank you!

  In a nutshell - I want out of this cult and my still-in husband doesn't want me out and has a conniption fit whenever the subject comes up. I'd disassociate if it wasn't for him, I'm just so sick of it! If I were to disassociate he'd be miserable and make my life a misery. Wait, no, maybe I wouldn't even jump through their hoops at all. Just stop having anything to do with them. I haven't made any so-called friends, so there'd be no one I'd miss. I have no family in the truth, never have. I don't have the option of separating from my husband or I might take that route too.. I did that several years ago, even divorced, but we remarried.

  I know for some there's no hurry to solve this, but in my case I feel there is, because of my age and maybe my mental health. I don't want to spend much more time on fading or whatever, I want to start living and stop pretending I'm just "so depressed", all that brings on is more "encouragement" - encouragement! humbug! it's guilt-tripping and pressure pure and simple.

  So how does one live a double life? I know there are many on here who are. I'm not being dramatic when I say I feel like I'm DYING inside, feel like I want to throw up, when I'm at a meeting (or even listening on the phone), or when newly-interested-in-me sisters phone and want to come by, or when newly-interested-in-me elders drop by, or when I join my husband in prayer, or when he wants to read the daily text together, or when we listen to the governing body's monthly blurb.

  Right now, this minute, I wish my husband would simply walk out on me. It's harder to have him around than not. That's not possible though, he's too needy! Plus we'd both be in the poor house.

  That's my rant for now. I would love to hear from anyone, positive posts only, please. I'm normally pretty strong, but very fragile right now. LifesNotOver
  
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  FayeDunaway

  I'm so sorry you're going through this. Life truly isn't over! Don't give up, you will find a way with time.
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  Saename

  
  

  I know that feeling when you stop going to the meetings, don't do service anymore, and all that... And then when you do visit the Kingdom Hall, you just feel disgusted or whatever the feeling may be. You're just not interested. You just don't want to listen anymore. I've been there.

  I will tell you one thing, though. And, of course, I don't know whether it is the right thing to say. I don't know what a 'good advice' would be in this case. But I think you should make it plain and simple that you no longer recognize yourself as a Jehovah's Witness. Tell your husband this. Make it clear. If he asks for reasons, you may tell him that it is not God's organisation and show him the Australia Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse. Whatever you do, I think you should make it clear that you no longer recognize yourself as a Jehovah's Witness. But then again, I don't know your husband. You do.

  Anyway, when it comes to leading a double life, it is hard. You may feel like a hypocrite. On the one hand, you continue to visit the Kingdom Hall, pray to God (with your husband), and read JW literature (such as the daily text.) On the other hand, you feel all of this is... well, to be blatantly obvious, bullsh*t. You no longer believe but are forced to believe.

  When I was leading a double life such as this—going to the Kingdom Hall but no longer believing any of it—I didn't have any problem with this, so I can't really tell you how to deal with it. In my case, no one in my family was/is a JW, so nobody ever tried to 'encourage' me. But if you can't live a double life—and I imagine most people can't—I would advise you to stop leading a double life. Either be a JW or don't be. It really comes down to that. You have to made a decision and stick to it. Just tell your husband you no longer recognize yourself as one of Jehovah's Witnesses and be very, very firm about this.

  From your previous posts, it seems that this is what you are afraid of. You showed signs of fear that your husband would find out. You were really afraid that he'd find out about this forum. And it seems that he now knows. So the question is, "What do you fear now?" Is it that he'd find out that you no longer have any faith in the organisation? Or is it something else?

  What I can tell you is this: there is nothing to fear. Nothing. Once you make a firm decision, it's much easier.

  Here's a rainbow from my friend SpongeBob SquarePants:

  
  
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  LifesNotOver

  FayeDunaway - thank you for your kind words! Means a lot to me. It's taken this long to figure out your name - very clever! Now I smile whenever I see it.
  
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  LifesNotOver

  Saename - yep, you hit the nail right on the head. I'll have to give this some real thought. You gave me something solid to consider, some action I can think of taking, rather than going round and round and round in my head. Think of a plan, think it out carefully and clearly, and implement it not too quickly but not take too long either. I overthink things and get all bogged down, trying to imagine every scenario and prepare for it, control it. Last time my husband and I spoke I lost my cool, and it pretty much blew up in my face. I'll think about where I went wrong and try to find a better way. This time at least I have a better idea of where he's coming from. And that will help me. What am I afraid of, you ask? His anger. Not physical, but hIs words. And last time he stood over me just screaming at me and red-faced, I did feel threatened, but that's the kid in me, he's never come close to hurting me physically. LNO
  
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  Giordano

  Lifesnotover ..........Its obvious that your reaction to all things related to the JW construct is because it's become toxic. It's not helping you and probably harming you. I used to get angry smelling a fresh printed Watchtower.

  You need a way out and quick......... here's a way. Your going to take the high ground and it will give any active JW a nose bleed if they go there.

  I trust you are familiar with the Australian Royal Commission? If not I have googled some unimpeachable information of the brothers testifying under oath to the mishandling of known JW pedophiles. This is more important then the scattered trials that are on going in the USA because they have sworn testimony under oath of victims and Elders including one of the Governing Body Geoffrey Jackson as well as Bethel Branch Elders under oath.

  After you review this information you should be ready to honestly claim that until the Society cleans up this problem you see no reason to attend meetings any longer. You have been greatly stumbled and the Elders will understand that you are to be let alone.

  Jehovah’s Witnesses policies allow child sexual abusers to operate within their congregations without fear that they will be reported to police, according to a new report published by the Australian government.
  The report stems from public hearings held this summer, during which top Jehovah’s Witnesses gave sworn testimony about the organization’s child abuse protocols.
  Since 1950, Jehovah’s Witnesses headquarters in Australia has fielded allegations of child sexual abuse against 1,006 members involving at least 1,800 victims, according to the report. Although 579 members confessed to abusing children, none were reported to police or other authorities.
  “It is the policy and practice of the Jehovah’s Witness organisation … to not report allegations of child sexual abuse to the police or other authorities unless required by law to do so,” the report said.
  Attorney Angus Stewart, who led the inquiry for the Australian Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse, submitted 77 separate points critical of the Jehovah’s Witnesses policies and practices toward child sexual abuse, and testimony given during the hearings.
  The findings back up those of a Reveal investigation that showed how Jehovah’s Witnesses’ policies have shielded child sexual abusers in the U.S. from prosecution, in some cases allowing them to abuse more children.
  Stewart wrote that the organization had fostered among its followers a sense of distrust of secular authorities. He was especially harsh toward the organization’s internal judicial process, in which a victim of child abuse must confront the abuser in person and is prohibited from bringing anyone along for support during the process.
  “The current documented process for responding to allegations of child sexual abuse in the Jehovah’s Witness organisation is focussed largely on the rights and comfort of the accused, with little regard to the requirements of a victim of abuse,” he wrote.
  He also took issue with the Witnesses’ practice of shunning members who leave or are kicked out of the organization.
  During the summer hearings, Stewart questioned Geoffrey Jackson, a member of the organization’s Governing Body in New York about the organization’s handling of the abuse allegations of two victims, who also testified before the commission. In his report, Stewart challenged Jackson’s assertion that he felt sympathy for them.
  Jackson’s failure to review the testimony of the victims before giving his own “belies his stated sympathy for the survivors and his stated recognition of the importance of their perspectives,” Stewart wrote.
  Jehovah’s Witnesses headquarters in Australia receives allegations of child sexual abuse about three or four times each month, Stewart’s report says.
  The Royal Commission has the authority to investigate any private or public organization that works with children, including churches, schools, treatment centers and sports clubs. The commission lacks the power to prosecute accused child abusers but has referred more than 800 cases to law enforcement agencies in Australia.
  Jehovah’s Witnesses are also currently under investigation in the United Kingdom by the commission that regulates charities there for possible failure to protect children from abuse.
  In the U.S., the Witnesses are fighting more than a dozen lawsuits brought by alleged victims who say they were abused as children by members of their congregations.
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  tornapart

  Hi LifesNotOver... I'm pretty much in a similar situation to you, though my husband seems to be rather more accomodating than yours! I've been doing the 'fade' for nearly 5 years now and it's been hard going. At first I wanted to tell him everything I found out but these days it's become more of the elephant in the room. I slowly stopped going to meetings and doing FS. I'm now inactive and maybe go to one meeting every couple of months. At the moment I'm psyching myself up for the RC. (Only going one day). I wish I could just stop completely and if it wasn't for him I would. I have adult children that don't go anymore and my sister and my best friend are all very negative towards the organisation so I can still be myself around them. Basically I've told my husband I don't want to go anymore and he's passed it on to the other elders and he's also passed it on that I don't want to see anyone about it. So far they've left me alone and if they do see me they only talk about everyday stuff. Fine by me! :) I'm lucky that I'm an introvert and don't need people around, family and close friends is enough for me. I think the secret is being firm and assertive. Trying not to be negative but just letting others know you have boundaries that you don't want them to cross. As has been said many times on here, the only power anyone has over you is what you allow them to have. Hope you find your way!
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  fleshyheadedmutant

  Take back your life!

  Even if you can't leave the organization (think Hotel Callifornia-you can check out any time you like but you can never leave) you can do things that make you happy. Have you gotten a college education? I urge you to go to your local community college and enroll. You can take classes on line or at the school, and I think you will enjoy the time immensely. I went back to school at 61 and finished my degree-loved every minute of learning.

  How about hobbies? In the JWs of course, too much time was taken from the all important preaching work to do anything you'd like. Now is your chance!

  Is there a women's group in your neighborhood?

  Volunteering?

  The list goes on.

  Please do not sit home and listen to hubbie complaining. Go out and find enjoyment in life. Maybe he'll want to join YOU!
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  Cangie

  Ahhh...LifesNotOver...the fact that you are afraid of your husband's anger explains so much. As hard as it may be to accept, the fact is that you are being abused by your husband. There are 5 basic ways to be abused---physical, verbal, emotional, financial and sexual. At minimum, he is verbally and emotionally abusing you. (name-calling..."Apostate Witch" sent chills down my spine) And the dramatic, out-of-control threats to commit suicide are a troubling, manipulative behavior, used to keep you in your place. Just because he has never hurt you physically does not mean that it will not eventually escalate to that point. I know...I was married to an abusive elder and am a survivor of domestic violence. And know that the elders and the organization will give you ABSOLUTELY no help in that situation. In making a decision to go forward with your plans, please keep this in mind because leaving (or in your case, "divorcing" the organization) is often seen as abandonment---especially since you describe him as "needy." Please line up resources to assure your safety if it becomes necessary to have support when you make a decision on your plan of action. (((hugs)))
  
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  LifesNotOver

  So much to consider! Thank you!

  Cangie - thank you for sharing your story with me. It made me nervous, which says to me to pay close attention. A reminder that one can never be sure of another's reactions - I needed to be reminded of that. I was already thinking that next time he and I spoke about it, that I wouldn't let myself be cornered again like I was last time, that I'd be close to the door if I wanted to leave. And that didn't scare me! I'm in some kind of denial. I don't know where I'd go. I have no family close by, have no worldly friends. The only friends I have are you guys! And I wouldn't even consider the elders - I tried that before on other occasions about stuff and learned my lesson there, for sure. Soooo, looks like I need to what? back to being as calm and clear and sure when I speak to him as I can be. Twelve years ago I got myself out of this pickle of a relationship by running away, three years later right back into the pickle jar. TTATT - the truth about the trap is more like it!

  And if I decide not to try to get away, live a lie, that's soul destroying for me. I find myself just hoping he'll die soon so I'll be free to enjoy my last few years on this earth. yep, folks, I'm in a bad place right now. I'm sorry, this is me venting. Journaling is helpful, sure, but somehow it's more cathartic when there's someone listening. I need counselling, don't know where to get it. LNO