I am 32 years and have recently left the organisation. I got baptised in last Feb. Please excuse any typing errors I have dyslexia. It has been so hard this year I have gone through so many ups and downs. I recently started taking sleeping tablets, I have had a year with out proper sleep and felt like I was losing my mind. I don't want this to be a depressing story but I do hope my telling you my story it will help me and others in the same situation. I was brought up as one of jehovahs witnesses with my 3 sisters to a single mother from the age of 2yrs. It was hard growing up we weren't allowed any friends and our mother didn't want us to do anything else but read watchtowers and other related books. We were very unhappy children discipline was very harsh no mercy was shown to us. My mother was socially awkward so had no friends... I'm sure at first it seemed when she joined she would have a whole set of friends. However back in those day at the Kingdom Hall as a single mother..& 3 mixed race children back in those days she was never going to be in good standing. I believe she disliked us for that and turned against us telling the elders how bad we were never listened to her, that we were deficient children...(if ya can't beat em join em)The only witnesses that came around were the ones she called to beat us for being naughty (Caine)like children and making our mother cry...we were just ordinary children doing what kids do....she was so happy she would tell us how lovely it was that they came even though we are busied and disorientated by fear. It was a couple of women who loved the power and my mum loved the fact that she felt special enough for them to come around for her. We never new what we were being beaten for but we often heard the bible being used as it says use the rod and jehovahs was not happy with us. At 11yrs old I had come to the conclusion that people in the "world" weren't as bad as my mother had been telling us and my friends would Soothe me after I had been hurt. I finally built up the courage to tell my mother I wanted to leave the org because I wanted friends and she would like them to if she gave them a chance. I was subjected to emotional and physical abuse and was told my her I was dissociated from the family and my sisters were not to speak to me.her words were "thanks for making me a failure" a few months after I was put into a children's home when my mum went to hospital for a couple of weeks for depression which she blamed on me. The rest of my sisters stayed at home she said she didn't want to see the devil there when she came back. I didn't see them after that for years they wouldn't answer or return my calls. I cannot put into words what that did to my mind, my core...I can only discribe it as being shattered like a broken mirror when I looked in the mirror that's all I saw. I never felt whole and I always felt like I was to blame. I was a stranger to my family they would see me now and then to hand over a watchtower and ask me if I wanted a study...I felt they looked down on me as I never made anything of myself in their eyes I wasnt at the meeting pioneering making the family look good. It was so hard because the people I loved more then anyone on the earth the ones I wanted to love me that's all I needed were treating me like this...I couldn't be who I wanted I didn't feel whole I was hanging on for them to love me so I could feel worthy loveable so I could live...my relationships never worked out I didn't love myself enough to really love another and choose ebusive relationships...I didn't know unconditional love. I figured the world is bad, I must have been wrong to leave I thought and around 7 years ago I went back. When I went to the first meeting they treated me like I was a great person everything I need...I decided I needed to have a study. My sisters came to visit and take my child out with theirs. Life finally felt like a bubble of bliss...I felt like I had made a huge mistake and I had left my family not the other way around... I had just started a psychology course at the same time as going back to the meetings ...the witnesses knew nothing about I didn't want to let them know, as higher education is frowned upon. I had been studying for 7 yrs it helped me get to know my self. It taught me to critically evaluate...but even though I could see things were flawed within the org I denied it to myself and figured it was the devil playing with my mind. I felt happy that I seemed to have a family I realise now it was only on the surface not much different to all other connections with people in there. I was pioneering had made many connections in the meeting and invited different a ones back and took my children out on the Min regularly. Once the Elders got word that I was in my finally year of uni they stated to question me...things changed suddenly there were rumours going around about me I feel these were orchestrated by the elders...friends stopped talking to me ...they had me feeling like I was a Jezebel I went home and would be sick I was scared to go to the meeting...it brought back all the childhood Truma I had endured as a child all the isolation and unworthy ness I felt in there and from my mother. I was devastated I didn't know what to do...I turned to my family they acted as if I was telling lies...to be strong and leave it with jehovah. I went online to see if anyone else had gone through this I had no were else to turn and discovered JWfacts. I instantly knew that that the truth wasn't the truth. It released me to feel all that pain I had been holding on to all the guilt ridden feeling I had the unworthyness the loss I had felt was my doing my life was empty for so long and I could see why. I told my family about how I felt they rejected me rarely call me or see me and have said I'm speaking propaganda. They know I haven't been sleeping listened to me crying in dis pair over the phone I had And they told me it was my fault as I left jehovah basically and he has done nothing to me. I feel stuck I really want them to know I can't seem to get over it....I need to move forward but things seem pointless unless they know it's not the truth and see things as they really are. I want to help them... How can I just move on and leave them behind. How can I just let these men manipulate them and they did me, my whole life even after I had left I was without a family. I know Ive studied psychology but I'm human first and I'm hurting so deeply I feel like 12 yrs old again I suppose I can only move on from that place I never really live after that I just looked like I was...I was a broken soul, life doesn't wait for anyone I didn't have time to recover I just had to keep growing and in doing so I buried the pain...I hope this is not depressing but informative I hope that in a few years my story will be very different. I am less judgemental now on my self and others and really understand the value of unconditional love and can truly show this to my children now it's been hard for them coming out of there...I felt they wasn't sure if to trust me especially as when I left I wasn't having a Bowral of laughs I must have seemed worste of to them and probably still do which is scary I don't want them to go back when there older I got them in to this and that hurts too. I just need like minded people in my life ones that understand what it's like.
Leaving the JWs
by Hurting 34 Replies latest jw experiences
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GodZoo
Dear Hurting.. your story is not the slightest bit boring but actually very moving. I'm very saddened to hear stories like this of children not being accepted and loved for just being.
Learning to love yourself properly after the organisation has basically taught you to feel and treated you like you are useless unworthy trash is not easy but very very doable and possible. The only hard part is getting their judgmental crap out of your mind and being which takes a fare bit of conscious work.
This I know because I have had to do it myself. Just go day by day.. even hour by hour.. or even thought by thought. You are valuable and precious and amazing and worthy of love and don't ever let anyone try to show you otherwise
The place you are leaving is not and never was real.. the friendships and relationships were all fake and conditional. As soon as you get that into your head it becomes so much easier to let it all go and realise you have actually lost nothing.
You will find tremendous support and resources here. Be discerning and take what you need.. and leave the rest. -
jhine
Hi , what a sad story . lt's great that you have found your way here to share your experiences and say exactly how you feel without be judged Like GodZoo says you are worthy of love and acceptance exactly as you are . Stick around , you will get good advice and unconditional support .
Jan -
Billy the Ex-Bethelite
Welcome!
Hurting is part of healing. It reminds you that you're still alive.
We were raised under the manipulation of a cult.
WT wants us to be as helpless as little children, emotionally weak, and dependent up others for any sense of self-worth. We were fed a steady diet of FOG - fear, obligation, and guilt.
In my personal journey out, I was able to receive free professional counseling at the university, which helped me immensely. One of the things that it helped me to do was differentiating between how WT had conditioned me to feel about things vs. how I really felt about things vs. how reality was different than all these "feelings".
That is a lesson I still come back and visit frequently. I still often "feel" or think that I "should feel" lonely, depressed, anxious, stressed. In reality, my circumstances are filled with opportunity and I have every reason to be happy and optimistic! Although I sometimes "feel lonely", I stop and ask "who do I want to be around right now?" First answer is, "not a JW who will police what I say or do." And typically I continue, "I've been around people all week, being alone is nice so I can eat, watch, do what I want, when I want."
Good luck with everything... PARTICULARLY WITH COMPLETING YOUR EDUCATION!
WT could take away my position in the congregation and separate me from most of the "friends" I have known. But they can never take away my engineering degree!
"Holy Crap! These ex-JWs are getting degrees and going on to live happy, successful lives! Turn up the FOG!"
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BeautifulMind
Welcome! And thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear you have gone through so much but know there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there. -
Hurting
Thank you guys for your replies of love and support...it nice to know I'm not alone in this xxx -
Hurting
Is there anyway I can edit my post to make it easier to read?
any one wanting to meet up at a coffee shop for face to face chat and support in box me please X
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cofty
Welcome Hurting. Marking to read properly later.
Editing is only possible for 30 minutes.
What side of the pond are you on?
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Giordano
Welcome! You have 30 minutes to edit your post. Click on the edit under the reply Box. Then click on save and it will take you back to the page.
You have both a sad story and one that made me appreciate how hard you have worked to get somewhere in this life.
There are things that I want to ask you about your life. But will stop for now and let others greet you.
We are excited and know that you will get honest and helpful support .
Gio
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flipper
Hurting- I'm so sorry you experienced this abuse in your family and this WT organization. You are not alone. Many here have experienced the same things. You are to be really commended for furthering your education in Psychology and learning critical thinking ability. It was that critical thinking ability helping you decipher being abused that helped your mind to clear up in order to exit the Witnesses. Good for you.
Please know that you are a good person and VERY worthy of good things happening to you in your life. It was the JW organization and WT Society's teachings and policies that made us have low self esteem - but it will get better in time the longer you are away from the emotional vampires dwelling within the JW cult. Keep researching and reinforcing your mind with positive vibes outside the WT organization. We are here for you as a support. Take care my friend and hang in there