so confused!!

by whatisthis12 12 Replies latest social relationships

  • whatisthis12

    is it possible to keep a somewhat relationship with your family if they are witnesses and have a "worldly" girlfriend? I just posted a post, and found this site to be very helpful. Sorry to repost but my other thread brought up some other questions. My boyfriend moved out, and stopped attending meetings. He was disfellowshiped i believe, even though he tells me he wasn't. His friends no longer hang out with him, and he hasn't seen his parents in month. His mom is in school to be a pioneer so i know she's very dedicated but confused on how she still texts him every now and then. Anyways, I found out his sister is speaking at some convention and he's going. Do you think it's just to be there for his sister? And does that mean he actually wasn't disfellowshipped, and if so how come 80+ people blocked him on social media sites. I am so confused! I feel bad for not wanting him to go, because it's his sister, but i don't understand how he would want to go back to a kingdom hall after everything he's already gone through to get out. Sorry for two posts in one day, i just found this tone very helpful

  • jp1692
    WIT12: i don't understand how he would want to go back to a kingdom hall after everything he's already gone through to get out.

    Of course, this would be confusing to you.

    But it's because he hasn't really left the religion completely.

    People "leave" for all kinds of reasons. But--and this has been addressed in your previous thread--if a person still believes that JWs "have the Truth," they may return.

    Most of us on this forum are completely convinced that JWs are just another religion doctrinally, but are worse than most because of their high-control, authoritarian and cultish practices: the coercive control and manipulation of members and the shunning of any and all that leave no matter the reason.

    There is a reason that so many people that responded to your first thread used the term "cult" in their response. Do not ignore this.

    We here are former and wanna-be-former Jehovah's Witnesses. We here have lost family and friends because we left the religion.

    We know of what we speak.

  • cobweb

    I think he probably wasn't disfellowshipped based on what you have said. This is because his family is still communicating with him after moving out of the family home and he is going to a convention. I think its unlikely he would go to a convention if he was disfellowshipped, particularly if he is not attempting to come back. Even though he is not disfellowshipped, it is entirely consistent with current JW thinking that all his friends would cut all association with him outside of meetings if he is living a worldly life - not going to meetings, having a 'worldly' girlfriend etc.

    Honestly, I think the fact that he is going to a convention shows that he has not firmly rejected the belief system. It sounds like he is still indoctrinated, at least to some extent. He may want to live a life outside of the religion on one level, but the belief system will likely still be there under the surface, and unless it is destroyed, there is a strong likelihood that he will feel pulled back.

    An experiment to see his level of indoctrination. Get him to go through the site Ask him to read it and be with him when you do. Ask him what he thinks of the various articles. Talk to him about them. I think his reaction would be instructive. If he is resistant to read these articles or rejects the information without properly considering it, then it shows he still has a high level of indoctrination and in his heart he has not really left the organisation.

  • Londo111

    At the convention last year, they instructed JWs to shun those inactive who are committing things that could get them disfellowshipped, even if the elders have not dealt with them.

    If he is going to hear his sister spew cult nonsense from the platform and expose himself to the indoctrination sessions at the convention, he is not mentally awake. He will hear things that will turn the levers of Fear, Obligation and Guilt in his heart and mind. It might cause him to "return".

    He needs to wake up and see the cult for what it is. He needs to see the mind control. He needs to see the history, scandals and secrets the cult does not reveal. But if he is still under their influence, if you come on too strong against the cult, he will run from you.

  • stuckinarut2

    I agree.

    If he is going to the convention, he is still mentally attached to the organization in some way...and that may pull him back in someday.

    Someone who is TRULY out, and sees the org as a cult, will NEVER step back into any meeting or convention under any circumstances....

  • OneEyedJoe

    I'll drop another vote in the box for "he's not mentally out of the cult."

    Based on the conversations I've seen and been a part of here over the years, it would be very unusual for someone in his position to consider going to a convention just to see his sister's part on it if he really understood the extent of the disgusting nature of the cult. Maybe he doesn't believe it right now. But if his reasons for not believing are shaky and based on emotion or personal experience (which cults are really good at getting people to reinterpret), then those reasons could easily come crumbling down at some later time leaving you in a whirlwind of confusion and ultimately having to make difficult decisions about the future of your relationship/family.

  • Incognito

    Unfortunately, the JW cult alters a person's mind and their outlook on how life is to be lived. Until proven otherwise, he is damaged goods. It's really his choice if he wishes to remain that way.

    You can't force him to examine the religion he was brought up to believe is "The Truth'. He needs to recognize for himself that something is wrong, that it is not God's chosen organization. If you attempt to force him to do research or provide facts to him, he will likely resent you for doing so.

    If you mention the religion is a cult, he will probably deny that it is. Watchtower rewrote the definition of what a cult is, which is not the same as the definition recognised by the rest of the world.

  • LisaRose
    Is it possible to keep a somewhat relationship with your family if they are witnesses and have a "worldly" girlfriend?

    It's depends on the parents, but it's very unlikely. Most parents do not want to loose a relationship with their adult children, but the religion teaches the shunning is for their own good. They believe that everyone who isn't a JW is going to die at Armageddon, which is any day now (and has been for more that a hundred years ). This is what you are up against, it is a cult and they don't play fair.

    That he is going to the convention is not a good sign that he has not actually broken free of the mind control. If you try to talk to your love about these things I can pretty much guarantee his conditioned fear will come up and his mind will shut down to you. I left this religion, knew it wasn't "the truth" but didn't seek out any information about it on the internet for eight years. It took that long for the fear of "apostates" to go away. It was only then I realized how I had been deceived. If what the Watchtower taught was "The Truth" why were they so afraid of outside information? Real truth stands up to scrutiny, it's only lies that do not.

    Please inform yourself about cults and how they work, it will give you an idea of what you are up against. We get people on this discussion board all the time who are in this exact same situation, they usually end up with a broken heart, sad to say.

    I would recommend reading Steve Hassan's book, Combatting Cult Mind Control. If you don't want to invest in a book, a brief explanation of cults is at

  • never a jw
    never a jw

    How about you see the cult first hand. Do some preliminary research, propose to your boyfriend to accompany him, attend that convention. See with your own eyes how it works. Watch the manipulative soap operas they use to control the sheep through guilt trips at every turn. You may even like it, or maybe not.

    If your boyfriend refuses to take you to the convention, then that could mean he is embarrassed by the religion or he actually is hiding that he is still mentally in. Either way, knowing all the facts about your "enemy" will help you deal with it in the best possible way. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Determine where you boyfriend is, with you or with them? Sorry to put it so harshly, but that's how cult members are. It's all black and white. We versus them. Either with Satan or with God. No gray areas.

  • never a jw
    never a jw

    Let me go on a limb here. If you two are young and had had a sexual relationship, then you have to be cautious about him. Men at a young age, especially men who have been in sexually repressive cults, could say anything to get laid. So he is fooling himself and you if he claims that he doesn't believe in the religion, but knows nothing bad about it in extensive detail as most of us here do. In this case, when the "honey moon is over" he will revert to the cult mode.

    The only way you can be sure that he is out of the religion is if you confirm that he has read the most important anti-JW books (at least three or four) and can tell you everything bad about the religion. You will get this confirmation when you can see that he is genuinely very upset, possibly enraged by his newly acquired knowledge. Then and only then will I start believing he is mentally out.

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