Marriage Problem

by voxel 17 Replies latest jw friends

  • cat1759


    There were some great comments posted here. At this time it is not a good idea to confront her jws parents. Let her accept the fact they are not coming. It is much harder for her because at her wedding even tho she will look around hoping for her parents they won't be there. The realization of them not appearing will set in after the wedding takes place. The fallout will begin. Her hopes up until this point will be that if they truly loved her they will be there no matter what. It won't be until later when she realizes that her hopes were dashed.

    Take your time with her. Let her have her space but hug her. If she wakes up crying after the wedding and the honeymoon, take some time off work if you can and take her to a peaceful place. Just walk holding hands and listening, sharing. It is going to be hard because the loss of this day will be so prevalent for the coming months.

    No matter how many people are there she will feel alone at her wedding. No pictures with her parents, no dances with her dad, no dad walking her down the isle. No sharing of this precious moment with those that have loved and supported her during her life. A cutting off.

    Let me add one thing, those parents will live to regret this till the day they die. They will rehash all this through the years and grandkids. They will start to realize the control the society had on this memorable day. The guilt will set in for the parents. Such a sad sad thing for a parent to do.


  • Scully

    Hi Voxel and welcome

    I agree that this is an emotional blackmail tactic and that you both need to be aware of this attempt to manipulate her to return to the JWs, that possibly also has the goal of eventually recruiting you as well.

    Well, to my way of thinking, shunning cuts both ways. If her parents and other relatives want to "treat her as dead" with regard to your wedding, then perhaps a gentle reminder that it is their choice to do so, and that you will both keep that in mind when grandchildren/nieces/nephews come along and respect their decision to shun you both. You really do NOT want people who are willing to cut you off around your children anyway because they will try to indoctrinate your children to be like them too.

    Be grateful that they are willing to shun you. They could be the meddling in-laws that make your life a living hell otherwise. Encourage your fiancée to develop a normal relationship with your family and relatives, and let her see what real family feeling is all about.

    Also, your fiancée might enjoy dropping in here and talking to other people who have gone through similar things that she is going through. She is more than welcome here, as are you.

    Love, Scully

  • teenyuck

    Hi Voxel and Welcome to the Board...perhaps you can get your fiance reading and posting also?

    I was raised in the JWs and drifted out....all of my mothers family are JWs. I was baptized, however, never DFd, though I am treated as such.

    When I met my *worldly* boyfriend and decided to get married, our respective mothers had much to say. His mother is Catholic and mine die hard JW. Neither would allow us to be married in their *church* because:

    1. I was previously divorced so I could not be married in a Catholic church

    2. He was not a JW so he could not be married in a Kingdum hall.

    We solved the problem with a Justice of the Peace.

    We rented a two reception rooms; got married in one and had the reception in the other. We had all of our real friends. Only a few JWs attended. They were very close friends of my mothers. My mother did attend. She danced the night away; No JWs to monitor her behavior.

    My advice: DO NOT Become a JW to have a wedding. Have a wedding without them. Do not be blackmailed into becoming a JW. It is not worth it.

    I have been married for 15 years. We still remember our one hell of a good party.

    If you have JWs there, it will be stuffy, boring, dull and bland. Plus, they will want to make it a pot-luck. Yuck. Can you spell Salmonella? Do you really want all that on the happiest day of your life?

  • unique1
    It sounds like her family sought advice from their "elders" about attending her wedding


    This happened to a friend of mine also. She just kept telling her mother and sister, I love you and want you to be a part of my wedding and my life with____, but I understand if you don't want to be a part of it. I love you anyway. This kept up for months. Then her mother finally said, I love you too and I don't care what the elders say, I will be at your wedding and help you plan it, but I can't be IN your wedding. Her sister soon followed.

    Point here, if they failed to follow the elders advice for long before and talked to their daughter anyways, they are likely to do so again .


  • cruzanheart

    Welcome to the board, Jeff, and congratulations on your upcoming marriage! Let me tell you, there is nothing like weddings and funerals to bring out the worst in a family. It's like a werewolf on the night of a full moon.

    Don't let them pressure you or your future wife to do anything you don't want to do. Besides, it would take a lot longer than the span of time from now to your wedding day to get her reinstated, even if she wanted to do it. That's just a control tool they're using.

    Your wedding will be beautiful no matter who shows up because it is about the two of you, NOT her family, her former religion, or your family either. As long as you two show up, that's what makes the wedding a success.

    Good luck and keep us posted!


  • Special K
    Special K

    Hey voxel..

    nice meeting you in chat last night... but I hadn't read your topic yet , .. so some of us were a bit goofy in chat .. sorry about that.

    This is a weighty matter to think about, stressful too.

    I concur with another poster that for her parents to go from nice an accepting to .. hey we aren't coming..shows that they are not going with what was in their heart but are being influenced by the elders of the Watchtower Society.

    It is very sad..that they will not be coming to your wedding..and I am sure this will upset your fiance for sure..She will be sad about that as well as you.

    However, try to keep her in the correct mind set..That."this is not her fault" They are the ones who are choosing to cast off because of this religion.

    Dont let them make her feel that this was "her choice".. She has already made her choice, obviously, and invited them to the wedding.. and they are the ones who have responded to that invitation in a negative way.

    I would perhaps make sure that my wedding was video taped in depth and would forward them a copy..because they are caught up in this web of religious ferver..even though their basic instinct is probably to be there. They may keep the video and watch it in private . and see the joy on both your new wifes face as well as your own.

    I wouldn't suggest becoming a J.W.. that truly is emotional blackmail. I believe you would surely regret it. Investigate J.W. teachings here and I am sure you will make the right decision about joining..

    If you think her parents have been flip-flopping.. wait until you see how this religion is flip flopping and messing up families lives.

    Some parents forget their role with their children (.. and J.W. parents, by majority almost always do.... That role is to help your child to grow up and be as true to their thoughts and decisions and choicesin life. and to support them in those decisions (even if we don't think they are right).

    Life is to be lived and not "controlled" by parents or anyone else.

    Bring her to the forum if you can.. She will meet many here who share this same problem with their parents.

    Best wishes (get married in love, voxell)

    and meet you in chat another time


    Special K

  • rocketman
    It sounds like her family sought advice from their "elders" about attending her wedding, and were made to feel guilty for their contact with their wayward daughter

    Yep, I'd bet my most recent pay check that's what happened. Now they're making ultimatums and stepping up pressure. If you ignore it, things may just get back to the 'norm' that existed before all this wedding stuff happened. Or, her family may from now on decide to follow-through with the strict jw mode of shunning.

  • garybuss
    The Spokane Spokesman October 5th 1996 By Kelly McBride Staff writer

    "Church officials said they never advocate their followers violate court orders or state laws. But they acknowledged their doctrine of shunning former members leaves little room for non-Witness parents in the lives of children who are active in the church."
    "Jehovah's Witnesses tell children they can associate with their non-Witness parents until they are adults, said (Merton) Campbell. But once they become adults, they must choose between continuing that association or remaining part of the church."
    "We believe that we are obeying what the Bible has to say on that, Campbell said."


    This works both ways. Hundreds here can verify this. GaryB

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