I need some serious help
I sounds like you are in the right frame of mind to be prime recruiting material for numerous cults, Watchtower included. Bone up on critical thinking skills before you study the teachings of any group, especially any that offer some kind of salvation or redemption.
I'll state up front that I haven't read the thread yet. There are many people here who mean well and will be eager to give you advice. I find in situations like these it's more beneficial to start simple and look at the basic questions.
What makes you think that joining this religion will give you a chance at a do-over in paradise?
You would be better off going to AA or a local church. JW's claim to have a spiritual program but they will just rope you into serving them, they will be a drain on you for the rest of your life.