Thank you for the positive reinforcement all! I feel so free! Knowing I would survive a separation from my husband quite well once the stress of it calmed down enabled me to be strong and resolute. I've done it before, more than once, but was more than a little stuck on the idea of being 70! Did I have the strength? Again?! I knew I'd find the strength if it was forced on me, so I'd find the strength if it was my choice. The strength I'd found within me before had never left - the JWs tried to take it from me, thank goodness I didn't let them. I didn't have any friends for practical and emotional support (other than your guys of course) if I needed it, but there are other resources, professionals. All I had to do was swallow my pride and ask the right people for help. Crisis line, police, counsellors, whatever I needed was there and all I would need to do is reach out. Who knows, I might have gotten even more sympathy and understanding and help because of my age :) Just thought of that now.
Knowing I don't have as many years left on this earth as I might like, the question loomed - how much of the time I do have left do I want to waste pretending? I needed to be true to myself. I couldn't foresee a better time to take a stand. Oh, I remember writing before that I hoped that my husband would die before long so that I'd have at least a few good years left where I'd be free of that religion - wow! Crazy-thinking, that's what stress and fear can do. I know my writing is kind of sloppy, changing tenses all over the place. Sorry to anyone who's into critiquing.
I saw my father on his death bed, he was so full of regret! He was so sad for the way he'd wasted his life, the missed opportunities, the hurt he caused his family. And he'd run out of time. I don't want that to be me, I want to be a better person, I want to be a happier person, I want to help other people live happier and more meaningful lives. At least have a small part in it. Maybe my kids won't let me close enough to teach them anything, but maybe others will. I do have something to offer. And my 17 years in this cult, what did I learn about life, and my 53 years before that, what did I learn? Maybe I can write about that. Help someone some way. I don't know.
So, I know my husband loves me very much and wants us to be together, doesn't want to live without me. I feel I could live without him and still be happy, maybe even happier with less stress - does that make me a bad person I ask myself? No. I think it just makes me a different kind of person than him, more practical, more capable, emotionally stronger. Maybe not capable of loving in that way.
He felt he had to take sides - me or Jehovah. I guess that's one thing he took away from the Remain Loyal to Jehovah convention. It's funny, but the elder he went to to talk things over actually gave him good advice. I'm glad he went to the elders because he sure wasn't listening to me. The person you're having the problem with isn't the person who's going to help you solve the problem. I think the elders are better at helping males than females, that only makes sense. Especially males who still believe and want spiritual guidance. That also makes sense. Anyway, the advice was to leave me alone. Don't preach. Don't try to convince, etc. Keep calm. If I don't want to hear anything about it, or be "encouraged" to do anything about it, just leave me alone. If I come around to their way of thinking again, it will be because I truly want to, something I've decided to do on my own. In the meantime, nothing spiritual in our relationship. Lovely! No prayers, no meetings, no service, no talking about any of it. Lovely! No elders coming by or phoning. Lovely! You mean to tell me it's going to go back to how it was before I ever heard about TT? Well, hopefully as much as possible anyway.
You see, that way he can have it both ways - he can have his cake and eat it too. He can have a happy wife and have his faith. And keep his hope that someday I'll come back to TT. I can have a happy life without the pressure from those guys and gals. I'll let you know how it goes. Right now I'm on a high, I'll admit. And it feels gooood!
I'm going to leave it at that for now. I'm mostly just blabbing but maybe someone can take something from my writings that might help them? I'll write more another time, but for now I have to go. Time's gotten away from me. Thanks for listening, luv you guys! LNO
