How many here are married to (still In) Jay Dubs? Any tips or advice for keeping the marriage going?

by NikL 20 Replies latest jw friends

  • Crazyguy

    My wife has ADD and which is a problem, after I left the cult she has since moved to another room claiming my snoring has gotten worse. She's always busy doing something useless Facebook or playing a games on her phone. She's busy with everything but me and I'm tired of it. I was about done with her before I left the cult, now would gladly leave except for the kids. Some woman want to have fun but could careless about intimacy, and that's my wife. Except when she thought she was dying, then she was sitting by me all the time holding my hand wanting hugs etc. since she's been fixed she's back to the same.

  • tepidpoultry

    When you left the meetings you "left Jehovah" You do realize that jws equate "The Society" with Jehovah right? A good jw puts Jehovah First in his/her life, do you ever feel that you are competing with the Almighty for attention?

    You are


  • tepidpoultry

    I think the only thing that will get you through this intact is if you have a really close friendship with your other, sadly most jws did not have this best friends type of relationship going into their marriage, to the contrary I've seen elders pressure the quick marriages of virtual strangers,


  • Confusedandangry

    I am struggling with having a spouse still 'in'. We have both been inactive for years but he still believes it's the 'truth'. We get along wonderfully until the subject of religion or beliefs come up. I try and plant seeds of doubt here & there. The other day he mentioned out of the blue he is tired of being told how to live his life. His parents are very active as are mine. So the best thing for us at the moment is not discussing religion. I also keep him/us busy doing fun things on the weekends so he doesn't have time for mtgs. He doesn't seem to mind not witnessing either. Baby steps..

  • Heartsafire

    My husband is totally in and I'm faded. When I first learned ttatt I made the mistake of trying to share it with him. All hell broke loose, and I ended up sleeping in the guest room for nearly a year.

    As I learned more, I allowed myself the freedom to be my authentic self. The nagging, insecure, perfectionistic wife my husband had always known vanished. Without the JW fog I have the peace that comes with focusing on who and what is truly important to me. I am a much happier, calmer, supportive wife today. My husband realizes this, and so he respectfully does not push me to attend meetings like he used to, and he has been missing quite a few himself as of late.

    What irks me the most about our situation is that I am learning so much now that I'm out and I can't share it with him. I love listening to political debates or reading about the latest discoveries in science. I want to go and do things--explore and travel. He wants none of it. I have to keep this enthusiasm all bottled up.

    Also, I have to avoid saying anything negative about the org. He listens very closely when I say anything about the meetings or org to see if I am hinting at a potential trigger for him. Infuriating!

  • stillin

    My wife hated me before I started to fade. So there was no loss there. Every so often she'll point out how we should have been pioneering together by now, but field service with her was awful! She knows everything and criticized any approach I may have had with people.

    so, honestly, life is pretty lonely. We have good days but she turned off the sex like a light switch a couple of years ago. This had the natural and inevitable result of widening the gap. I don't see how she can complain about loss of intimacy after that.

    And, yes, Satan has taken me over and I am the epitome of selfishness! If that were true I would have left her for another woman long ago. But I still think that you reap as you sow. Tough life. Then she gets to think that Jehovah loves her but He hates me. If Jehovah is looking, I think I would still score a few points with Him.

  • notsurewheretogo

    I faded in 2012.

    Wife is still in and we have a young family.

    We simply do not talk about, it ends up in an argument.

    I compromise in that she takes our very young children to the meetings/assemblies and she compromises on certain things.

    But none of what I know about TTATT I can speak about, she just doesn't want to listen.

    But the single thing I do is simply love her, and she knows it so we are happily married.

    When the kids gets older that will be interesting as I'll be having studies with them about TTATT!

  • tor1500


    I a witness not married to one. But from all the sisters I talk to that are married and all the literature the society writes about marriage, they don't take heed to any of it. So happy they are not single and got their mate they lost focus on the marriage.

    A couple of tips from my observations: Keep the org. out your bedroom, that is none of their business. Even a single witness they have no say in what goes on in anyone's bedroom. Watch soft intimate videos. That is to spice it up a bit. We all know marriage can become complacent. The everyday humdrum. Both of you pick out the video together and guess what? You both might find out you both got fantasies and realize you both are kind of jacked up so you both got to stay together. You don't want no one else to know how strange you are so now you got a common bond. Just a suggestion.

    Another tip is Talk Talk Talk. And not about org. all the time. And don't judge one another like always saying Jehovah don't like this and I'll tell the elders and so on. That's all I got for now. As I mentioned I talk to many of the sisters and many like being married for the image but you can see they are trapped and unhappy. I don't talk to the brothers but I can imagine it's the same.


  • nonjwspouse

    as tor said in another thread, " keep your oxygen mask on".

    I am a never have been, never will be JW, married to a born in, but never baptized, but still mentally in . He became "interested" several years ago to the point he was studying on the path to baptism, and almost demolished our marriage with his "new personality". We have never fully recovered from that although he stopped his studies, stopped meetings, and now mostly stopped reading material his family gives him. He will not speak of his feelings about the JW beliefs, or anything at all spiritual.

    It is hard. Really hard. It goes on for years.

    Try to love bomb your spouse. Give them affirmations, respect and love at home without the "friends". Be sure to have non JW friends around. Make fun, family type, plans with the kids ( if you have any) during the meeting/FS times. ( our child is not raised JW so this is easy for me to do). Your spouse will then miss out or decide to go with you. Try to plant seeds about the truth of the org, but do not directly say negative things about the org/jw.. Use other religions or events as examples. I've seen it get through to my husband. EX:We watched both "Going Clear", then the Leah Remini series together and I can see it in his face when something gets through.

    Try to separate what is a marriage problem outside the JW influence and what is influenced.This is not easy but it can help you address the problems.

    I chose not to give up. Some choose to move on. You can not ever expect your spouse to change or wake up, ( you can hope) so you have to be realistic and decide how to handle life with a still in spouse.

    Create your boundaries and stick with them.

  • NikL

    From everyone's comments I can see that I am not the only one that has had a bumpy ride in the marriage department.

    It looks like most here that have commented have decided that religion and spirituality are rubbish so I guess my situation is a bit different there.

    I consider myself a Christian and after becoming inactive realized that Jesus IS the thing. He is who we are supposed to "witness" for. HIS is the name above all others.

    I go to most meetings with my wife for the sake of peace but it does get hard when I see things that are quite offensive to someone who loves Jesus and it is difficult not to make comments.

    I watch sermons online and read different translations of the bible. I keep it secret like I am watching porn or something. LOL

    My wife knows I don't believe everything the org spouts out but has such a superficial view of spirituality that going with her to meetings seems to be good enough. At least for her. She leaves it up to Jah to judge me most of the time. Especially since I have been trying to put on the new personality of a Christian and not the one encouraged by the publishing company organization.

    I think she actually likes me more now that I am not all high on my male superior attitude that the Dubs encourage. I have been a complete arse in the years passed and though I still have my moments, I do believe the holy spirit is making his changes in me. At least I hope so.

    She has asked me to pray with her more so I have been doing that but it sometimes feels awkward because my prayers are so different than those generally made by a JayDub.

    One of these days maybe I'll grow the cojones to make a firm stand. Until then, I try to love her as Christ loved the congregation and forgive her as best I can when she says something cultish and cruel. And prey...oh how I pray that she will discover Jesus Christ out Lord Savior AND God.

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