So despite glimpses of hope here and there, the wife is just not seeing this cult for what it is.
So who is the one the bit the dust? ... ME
I've not been feeling so well lately. A bit of lightheadedness. A sensation in my chest similar to what you get when you are watching a thriller film. I can not define it as chest pain, but sure had me concerned. Last Saturday, the feeling would not go away so I headed to the ER. Blood pressure 175/118. I got to admit that the anxiety took the better of me that day so that reading was probably part of it. However, checking my blood at home has shown that I am almost always above 130/85. I was given some blood pressure medication but the sensation on my chest kept coming back after a few hours. I felt really depressed, specially in the evenings, the sensation that something bad is about to happen and my children will be left without a father.
My wife understands that I am under a great deal of stress and she finally broke the conversation Monday night. She sounded really accommodating and to a degree, she sounded almost like if she was willing to put our relationship ahead of the cult (although I was not so naive to think this was it) and she admitted that chances were that my health problem was strictly related to our religious differences. We conversed for a little while. I was feeling really good about it because usually our confrontations happen at bed time and end really late and she usually falls asleep in the middle of it, which pisses me off. That night was different, she was willing to continue for as long as necessary. Since the tone was so calm it did not have to last very long. She confessed to a couple of things: that she is hoping to see her dad (deceased) again and, indirectly, also confessed that she feels that if we did not go to meetings anymore, then God would be completely out of our lives. I said that did not need to happen. She said if we don't study the bible now that we are here, what would happen if we stop? She also admitted that she could not bring herself to the idea that she could let her children die because of blood, which gives me some peace of mind.
So there you have it, the most evident sign of dependency created by a cult mindset.
I have discussed our situation with her sister. A baptized publisher who's been away from it for over 10 years. I can tell the damage is still going in her as well. She feels bad for being away from the cult. She read some stuff in jwfacts.org and said she felt guilty but quite disturbed by what she read. Yet, she talked to my wife and told her that I need to respect her choices.
My wife has brought up divorce as an option, specially lately. Not that she really wants to go away but rather feels that is the only way I will recover health wise. Not only I don't think that is an option (divorce on religious grounds is a shame) but also because of the children. I also told her, and this is the truth, that divorce on this situation would only make my anxiety worst.
While I really tried to have her see the light, I considered meeting her half-way by accepting her decision, yet, she always put forth something that made me backtrack. Last time that I told her I would accept, she started crying afterwords, saying that she never thought she'll belong to the group of women who show up to meetings alone. But I am supposed to be free to leave the religion anytime. I do not call this freedom.
Right now I am in a low dose of blood pressure meds and Xanax just in case. I already had to take it twice, not so much because of our arguments but because that sensation in my chest wasn't going away.
Despite the lack of sleep of the past two nights, I am feeling better today.
I just had to come here and vent since my therapist is not available until March 1st.