Another one bites the dust...

by StarTrekAngel 22 Replies latest jw experiences

  • StarTrekAngel

    So despite glimpses of hope here and there, the wife is just not seeing this cult for what it is.

    So who is the one the bit the dust? ... ME

    I've not been feeling so well lately. A bit of lightheadedness. A sensation in my chest similar to what you get when you are watching a thriller film. I can not define it as chest pain, but sure had me concerned. Last Saturday, the feeling would not go away so I headed to the ER. Blood pressure 175/118. I got to admit that the anxiety took the better of me that day so that reading was probably part of it. However, checking my blood at home has shown that I am almost always above 130/85. I was given some blood pressure medication but the sensation on my chest kept coming back after a few hours. I felt really depressed, specially in the evenings, the sensation that something bad is about to happen and my children will be left without a father.

    My wife understands that I am under a great deal of stress and she finally broke the conversation Monday night. She sounded really accommodating and to a degree, she sounded almost like if she was willing to put our relationship ahead of the cult (although I was not so naive to think this was it) and she admitted that chances were that my health problem was strictly related to our religious differences. We conversed for a little while. I was feeling really good about it because usually our confrontations happen at bed time and end really late and she usually falls asleep in the middle of it, which pisses me off. That night was different, she was willing to continue for as long as necessary. Since the tone was so calm it did not have to last very long. She confessed to a couple of things: that she is hoping to see her dad (deceased) again and, indirectly, also confessed that she feels that if we did not go to meetings anymore, then God would be completely out of our lives. I said that did not need to happen. She said if we don't study the bible now that we are here, what would happen if we stop? She also admitted that she could not bring herself to the idea that she could let her children die because of blood, which gives me some peace of mind.

    So there you have it, the most evident sign of dependency created by a cult mindset.

    I have discussed our situation with her sister. A baptized publisher who's been away from it for over 10 years. I can tell the damage is still going in her as well. She feels bad for being away from the cult. She read some stuff in and said she felt guilty but quite disturbed by what she read. Yet, she talked to my wife and told her that I need to respect her choices.

    My wife has brought up divorce as an option, specially lately. Not that she really wants to go away but rather feels that is the only way I will recover health wise. Not only I don't think that is an option (divorce on religious grounds is a shame) but also because of the children. I also told her, and this is the truth, that divorce on this situation would only make my anxiety worst.

    While I really tried to have her see the light, I considered meeting her half-way by accepting her decision, yet, she always put forth something that made me backtrack. Last time that I told her I would accept, she started crying afterwords, saying that she never thought she'll belong to the group of women who show up to meetings alone. But I am supposed to be free to leave the religion anytime. I do not call this freedom.

    Right now I am in a low dose of blood pressure meds and Xanax just in case. I already had to take it twice, not so much because of our arguments but because that sensation in my chest wasn't going away.

    Despite the lack of sleep of the past two nights, I am feeling better today.

    I just had to come here and vent since my therapist is not available until March 1st.


  • brandnew

    Star trek.....dude sorry to hear all your troubles bro. Get your health up, get better my man. I love to read your posts, and your opinion to me is always welcome.


    Your buddy

    Mad Puppy

  • Saintbertholdt

    Sorry to hear about your health problems StarTrekAngel.

    All I can say is get your blood pressure under control!

    Do you have an activity that can get your mind off of your worries? Some men prefer golf because if you don't concentrate fully you'll be known as the king of the hook or the slice.

  • juandefiero

    For your own health and well-being, you need to stop going to the meetings. Let her go alone.

    She'll try to guilt you at first. But I bet she eventually starts justifying staying home herself.

    I'm going to be blunt here.

    JW's justify staying in the organization by saying that even though there are problems, it's the closest thing to the truth. They're afraid of God (a fantasy), afraid of not seeing loved ones again (another fantasy). If you still believe in God, you're feeding her fantasy and her hope, and she'll never let go. She might become weak and somewhat inactive, but I doubt she'll ever completely leave the cult and will likely feel guilty the rest of her life if she does become inactive.

    If you wanna believe in God, fine. But realize that if you believe in that big bully in the sky, the organization has a lot of emotional leverage over you and your loved ones.

  • StoneWall
    Wow how i do remember those frigging anxiety/panic attacks of years ago.
    Felt like I was dying and having a heart attack at a young age.
    When I went to the Emergency room and they hooked me to the EKG and saw that I had arrhythmia.
    Funny thing it was when I was first learning the truth about the "truth" and I think trying to process all of that in such a short period in the beginning took its toll.
    I never went to a single therapist or took any meds but there were times I couldn't get out of bed because of feeling so tired from where my heart raced so fast and the tightness in it.
    After a few months (about 6-8 iirc) I got to the point one day that I just told myself I'm tired of wondering if there was a God,if the bible was right or wrong, if the sun would explode ,if the world would end etc..
    I was like if this is how I'm going to feel from now on that I didn't care if i lived because it sucked and death at that point in my life would've been like a release.
    So I basically said something similar to what Cool Hand Luke said in the movie, along the lines of God if you're there, love me,hate me, hit me with lightning,fire from heaven it don't matter. Just show me if you're there.
    There was no response.
    So late that night I made myself a promise.I would never ever let another person or organization tell me what God expects of me. If he can tell them what he expects of me then he can tell me. My door is always open.
    Needless to say my panic/anxiety attacks ceased. I started sleeping better and actually my whole outlook on life improved.
    To this day I've never regretted that decision.
    And as many others have pointed out on this forum in time it does get better.
    Try and surround yourself with positive influences such as some family that maybe aren't JW's as well as going to some meet-ups if possible. Also do some hobby's,sports,movies, and some books that you may have put off because of the JW religion.
    Anyhow wishing and hoping you the best possible turn out.
  • steve2

    All of this talking over and over your respective religious concerns sounds kind of heavy and wearying.

    You two could benefit from organizing some fun activities together away from the obvious sore points.If couples have pleasant events to look forward to and engage in them, other problems can be seen in perspective.

    Some agreed upon healthy boundaries need to be put around the talking about the organization. It does sound strange that your marriage is under ongoing strain and your dear wife is fretting about Bible study!

    As regards your anxiety, it may be worth thinking about some time-limited skills-based CBT therapy so you have the knowledge and practical skills to soothe and calm yourself.

  • Carol1111

    Sorry to hear you are feeling stressed.

    Conflict with a close relative made my heart go into arrhythmia last year and it lasted a few weeks. It was quite alarming. I went to the doctor, but by the time I got an appointment it had gone back to normal.

    I hope you are feeling better soon and more able to cope.

  • blondie

    So she is offering you an unscriptural divorce but won't go against the WTS on other issues? Sounds like one of the smorgasbord Christians (jws) the WTS talks about. I know so many jw wives with never been jw husbands that find a way (even being told by elders to stay with abusive husbands). Why does that advice not apply in your case?

    (grew up house with never been jw father)

  • StarTrekAngel
    I told her that at some point blondie. All I got was silence.
  • blondie

    I guess she got the point.........

    Sometimes marital troubles are not rooted in the WTS, and the few points the WTS makes are not seen as a solution by the jw spouse.

    I'm sorry for this. I married a non-jw who later became a jw (no influence from me, I was totalyl honest about the flaws). We both left within months of each other. But we try hard to see out issues as something between the two of us and not drag the WTS into it. But your wife seems to be using the WTS as a trump card.

    In my case, before marrying I had been inactive twice before and was inactive when I met him. The third time leaving has been permanent. No going back, even if I saw the clouds of Armageddon on our lawn. Better dead than eternity living with jws.

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