'Worldly' man looking for a little more understanding...
For some witnesses ,especially born in ones ,it's natural for them to be living double lives , it's probably the way they chose to cope with the rules and regulations and the hum drum of their small lives.
I can't speak to the marriage stuff. But the relationship aspect is familiar to me. Some of us come out of it pretty raw and pretty maladapted to things. If the sudden end and silence is a shock, then see it as a really unhealthy continuation of what happens to us when we leave and our whole lives are suddenly cut away from us. Both coping mechanism and behaviour drilled into us as perfectly normal. If we're trying to stay in and have something outside, that puts a horrific strain on things. But that's how it is.
Some stuff sounds not really JW specific, I know from friends who've never been JWs that they've gone through divorces/breakups with someone who they then realised they didn't want to be with once the situation had changed. But I don't personally have experience from either side of that.
Good luck for the future. You're right that some ex-JWs carry stuff which needs working through, but others don't. Even with culty background stuffs, we're still individuals ;)
To me it sounds like the whole JW thing is just a scapegoat for the bad decision after bad decision made by you two along the way. If you left out the JW part altogether I could see how that probably went wrong. I'm all for blaming the religion where it deserves it, and I don't believe you can divorce anyone from their upbringing in such a controlling and indoctrinating cult, but dude, you guys had dysfunction spread all over this so it isn't surprising that it turned out badly for someone.
Again, I think that's far too simplified without having been any part of it, but all opinions and views are greatly appreciated.
Hey Verecocha, first of all, I'm not supposed to be here anymore, said I'd quit, but your story made me have to reply. I am/was in a very similar situation to you, as you can guess from my name, I'm not a JW.
I'd love to say 'run for your life' 'you're better off out of it' etc, but I know where you are coming from and it ain't that easy! I'd love to say, 'hang in there' it'll get better, but I KNOW it doesn't.
While I don't condone having a relationship with a married person, we don't know all the facts. So, it's not mine to judge.
It makes no sense. And it hurts like Hell. The too-ing and fro-ing comes from the deep seated illogical guilt, fear and goodness knows what else! When the JW mask slips and you see the person underneath you feel you are gaining ground, then BOOM, the mask goes back on. We, are bad associations, we, in the eyes of JWs, will never be good enough. As much as they love and care for us, FEAR + GUILT = control. We will only get our hearts broken, time and again. They WILL be 'encouraged' to stop 'associating' with us. it doesn't matter what we do.
As far as I can work out, unless they Wake Up, there is not a cat in Hells chance of this ending well.
I'm sorry I can't be more help, I'm sorry I don't have any answers, I need them myself. If you ever find any, let me know!! Good luck my friend!
Thank you Miss Worldly, your thoughts and words are greatly appreciated, honestly they are.
Im sorry as you've obviously been through the same thing so I can imagine your pain. And I'm sorry for anyone there had to feel that/this.
Its entirely over now, 'I dreamed a dream and now that dream has gone from me', I was more here to hear such words as yours as to the nature of their feelings and actions.
And I thank you again for sharing.
Verecocha, I am so sorry she put you through this whole emotional mess. They seem to live a double life I have found out. Press on my icon and read my intro to this forum a year ago. Five years an "elder". Who by the way for 5 years seemed to forget to ever mention he had a wife at home.
Oh Rebel that's horrible. Im sorry to hear that, my experience of Elders really is that they're the worst of the worst in too many cases.
I'm glad to hear that at least it's all over for you and you're past it, I look forward to that time.
Again, thank you so much for your input.
So it appears to be finally over, ayyyyy dear. Such is life I suppose.
I'll look to this place to try and help others in similar circumstances, though I'll appear a little too positive for some as I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic.
I thank everybody again for their input whether agreeable to me or not, it was all more than welcome and not just read but heard.
I'll continue to love her as I'm simply made that way, but at least I've given up on her loving me.
Thanks again everybody.
I wish I could be as positive as you. I'm sorry your journey is at an end, I feel for you, I really do.
As far as my story goes, I am told I'm still very much loved and missed,(this doesn't help, it's wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time) but ours is an impossible situation that will/can never end they way we want. Walking away seems much too hard, but at least I know as you do, Jehovah comes first! (Sarcasm is now my only defence!)
I'm all fought out. Guess you are too. It's pointless.
"You never know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have"