'Worldly' man looking for a little more understanding...
Saw similar title in a Google search so thought I'd read more and now simply have to share my experience if anything to hear that I'm not insane and it is that simple.
Met and fell madly in love with a Witness, and her with me. What began as love at first sight turned into a 6 year relatiomship which simply ended very bluntly.
There were many painful twists and turns along the way, first from her inability to leave her husband, then my mistake in finding someone else as I simply couldn't take the pain of her coming and going with such simplicity, but in the end she got a divorce and suffered many consequences within 'the truth', and I sorted my issues which were many and admittedly dug with my own hands and stupidity in trying to protect a young girl who had done no wrong in this long affair.
Eventually we found ourself on what I believed to be the home straight. Both ridiculously in love and happy together, happier then I could possibly measure, talking about love, children and marriage. To the point where mere months ago at a friends wedding we were at she said we'd be inviting them to ours next. I'd planned and paid to propose in Florence in February on the 29th, right down to th time of day and exact place. In November I lost it over the phone as I simply couldn't stand being a secret anymore and not having some commitment from her. She'd met and was loved by my family and friends but I was merely a secret she suffered to keep. She didn't speak to me after that night and I imagined it'd be another period of adjustment before another hopeful step for us. But after reconnecting she's tired of being 'torn' and what seemed to be the greatest love of all has now become entirely one sided and we are never to speak again. It's entirely over and the love of my life has entirely abandoned me without so much as a look in the eye or even loving last words.
What I'm finding hard apart from the entirely obvious is that anybody could be so disconnected from a world we'd built together over years, being half of our whole one minute then a completely different person. I don't just find it heartbreaking and disrespectful to what we were, but horrendously disgusting and degrading. All she cares about is her secret, which I'll keep in respect of our love which unfortunately will forever continue to grow in me.
How is it that people who believe in love etc can be this way towards anybody never mind a past love? After such disgusting treatment from family and elders how can a religion still have such a hold? Are witnesses inherently broken as to feeling anything for anybody else? Happy to destroy anyone and anything or was I specifically wrong about her? Is this normal?
Perhaps this is just a little place to rant as those close to me perhaps don't understand the religious angle and focus more on her, I'd just like a balanced look just to maybe try to explain what to me is madness. How a woman can't possibly tell you how much she loves you, then 5 weeks later they can break everything you are?
Verecocha asked: Are witnesses inherently broken as to feeling anything for anybody else?
Not 'inherently', but, rather, conditioned and programmed.
You can take the girl (or boy) out of the cult for a little while, but you can't take the cult out of the girl (or boy) - unless they are ready and really, really want to do the hard work it takes to overcome the deeply ingrained mental conditioning.
Welcome to JWN!! You've come to the right place to discuss this issue. We get one or two like you every week. In love with a current or former witness. And the stories have very similar themes. If you did not know this already, the majority of us here are former JWs. There are some current & active JW's but not as as many.
I'm sure many more will comment on your heartfelt post. In the meantime, look around at old threads. Something is bound to catch your interest.
To keep this thread current (at the top of the active topic list) keep responding to people's posts. That way more and more people will see and comment.
Thank you Aude. I have seen a few and reading them has helped, it all helps as though there are many here in similar situations it's still rather an odd situation out here in the real world.
That really is the issue in my opinion, the conditioning. Just don't understand why somebody can't love and believe in whatever they believe without having the blessing and congratulations of others. I think she's always been bullied and belittled and now works stupidly hard to impress 'people' when really she should only be working to please herself, her God and those she loves and deserve her love.
Looking for acceptance and rewards from those that don't even deserve the time of day from her.
Again thank you Aude just for hearing me out.
I'm so sorry for your heart ache. I'm a non-JW. I was on the cusp of becoming an unbaptized publisher. In my opinion, what you are dealing with is the cult persona. I have been going through a very similar situation for years now. Your girlfriend has her real personality the one she lets come out when she feels safe with you...and then she has her shield up of a cult personality. She is under mind control. She is also controlled by losing her loved ones. I'm sorry to say that it's almost impossible to have any semblance of a normal relationship with a JW unless you become one. But..ultimately she's under mind control. Google mind control.
"her inability to leave her husband"
Well, there you go.
Ya shouldn't get involved with married people. If you have no respect for that...don't expect any respect back.
Thank you Silvia, again it's great to hear pieces from anybody and everybody. I imagine most replies will come from non Witnesses.
See I understand what you mean with mind control. Not in the visceral sense but over years of indoctrination as to the penalties of non compliance.
I suppose I thought she was stronger and more intelligent than that, simply saying mind control I think limits the harsh reality of what she and a number of the more intelligent witnesses are capable of. Almost giving them an excuse, when they actually know what they're doing, they simply think it's the right thing to do because they're so powerfully pushed into doing certain things or suffering such harsh consequences.
That or I was entirely wrong about her and it was simply sampling and taking advantage of the savagery from a beast of the world.
Ahh OrphanCrow at that point believe it or not, and I have no reason to lie, we kept intimacy distant and simply talked of our unrequited love until they at least separated. Made easier as there is a sea between where we live.
Or are you of the opinion if somebody is married, regardless of their happiness you should leave them be?
That an unhappy marriage is still a marriage and sacred? Even though behaviours within the marriage are disgusting and degrading?
I'd never get involved nor think it's right to to anybody who is married, unless they are already separated. If you do, then your relationship will eventually be doomed as well.
Few reasons, if looking elsewhere should break it off with them, not wait until a replacement is secured, using that person then leave them. Also if they do that to meet/be with you, then if you ended up with them you'll always know or suspect in your relationship downs that they'll be looking.
And as you just learned, you had your time wasted and pretty much got played. You were probably just her 'crutch' to be used when needed. She was already married. Whatever ordeal in her life and with her religion she got to the point she doesn't need you anymore so cuts the cord and gets you to agree to keep it a secret.
For the religious angle, hard to tell if the JW side really had anything to do with this or not.
So a marriage in decline then ending after perhaps a year of a 6 year relationship, or 5 years if you don't want to count the 'married' part should be simplified so?
I think if you were to fall for someone then respectfully play a part in their life until they became divorced then you're entirely right in doing so.
If not I don't agree, and think your argument is far too simplistic and somewhat bitter, but thanks for your response anyway.
l went through a similar situation and at the time it was heart breaking for me.Later on the penny dropped and l realized how fortunate l was to not get involved with a person like this.Try walking in her shoes for a day and you will understand what l mean.Put it in the to hard basket and move on for your own sanity and self preservation.Someone else will come along one day. good luck.