The Convention/My life.

ScoobySnax

Twickenham Stadium. London. So I'll drive up there this next coming Sunday, stressed to the eyeballs with all the traffic, making wrong turns, panicking when the traffic gets too heavy in central London, wondering if I'm following the right turns, stopping and looking at my A-Z, wishing my family we're still with me. They're all inactive now, as am I. They wish me well on going, but don't want to join me. Yet I want to go. I'll stand in the stadium with thousands of others, and it feels right in so many ways, the Truth still comforts a part of me. Another part of me knows I'm not living up to what is expected, and that I'll probably never be an active JW again, and its this that sort of mirrors my life.

Never being here or there, struggling with who I am, what I want, and where I am. I'm not "in" and I'm not "out", I'm just there watching again, at a convention, in a bar, on the sidelines. I'm gay, its not gonna change, JW (but not active) Gay (but not active).......the frustration goes on......I lost myself somewhere along the way.

Brummie

...and thats why I really feel for ya scooby. Discovering ones identity is a truely liberating experience, its hard to forget being in that same situation once, I do hope one day you will accept yourself for who you are and then be at peace in being "Scot" and not forever struggling to be who they want you to be.

BTW I dont have Yahoo anymore, got wiped of my system a while back.

Brummie

not forever struggling to be who they want you to be.

To elaborate:

I know its not them who want you to be a JW, as you said ITS you who wants to be one. My point is, you want to be like them because you have been led to believe thats the right and acceptable way to be. However, until you accept you for who you are and not who you want to become, you will be unhappy.

You have to just embrace yourself and accpet that who you are is ok. Its ok not to have all the answers, its ok to be you. Your not a baddie.

Brumm

Big Tex

Scoob, thanks for sharing what you did . That took guts.

Forgive me, but I understand you now. If in the past if I posted something to you that hurt or offended you, please accept my apologies. Chalk it down to ex-JW paranoia, or maybe just simple American stupidity.

Listen, you are at a crossroads in your life. You will remain conflicted until you make a few choices, some of which will be difficult, perhaps even painful. I quit going to meetings in 1989. I didn't "give up" the mindset, and the teachings of Jehovah's Witnesses until just 3 or 4 years ago. It took me that long to make up my mind. In the interim, I was much like you are now. I didn't belong out, but I didn't belong in either. It was the hell of purgatory. Neither twixt, nor tween

I wish you well on your journey. Take it slow, and don't make any decisions before you're ready.

Be well,

Chris

SixofNine

Personally, I don't feel the least bit sorry for you, as you seem to insist that it's your right to be "on the fence" and unhappy. You certainly could change your life for the better, but you are absolutely correct, it's your life to live as you see fit.

So, here is your reward. Enjoy the convention.

bigboi

I think I understand what you are going through. It seems like you have to exchange one sort of subculture for another. Man that has to be difficult. I guess on one hand you know what being a witness is all about. Yet, you probably know nothing about what it's really like to be a gay man. One things for sure you won't find anything out just sitting on the fence as Six put it. I know it's not as simple a thing, but maybe you oughta start to find out how other ppl like you live. As comforting as the illusion of the "Truth" is, the comfort it brings cannot begin to heal the pain that denying oneself brings.

pettygrudger

(((Scooby)))

Only you can come to terms with this decision placed in front of you - I just wish you peace along the way.

ScoobySnax

Brummie.......thanks mate. you've always been a good mate to me here and elsewhere. I really do want to be me again, and not some silly ol git at 32 who's still trying to work out where I am. I guess like I said and posted, I'm so tired of being the one on the sidelines as always. I'm fed up with trying hard to fit into one mould or the other, and never quite being either....at work I sort of come into my own, messing about and making people laugh, when I come home I feel a bit lonely sometimes......its not that I feel sorry for myself, its just that I can't stand in a nightclub with all my mates watching them all get off, and being "nice" to girls whilst making my excuses. Its too uncomfortable. They know, and try to make me feel part of it all, but well I struggle. Its like going to the meetings/conventions..... I try to fit in there too, something inside resonates with me, but I think I've moved too far away now because of the person I am. I can't fight this stuff. So I go to a bar with some gay friends, they're all copping off too.....I make my excuses and come home early. Thats not right either. Nothing seems to fit. I will try to "embrace me" when I find "me" Thanks mate, your advice is sound, I've thought about it a million times lying in bed looking at the ceiling. You're ok my friend.

BigTex...... what kind words, how nice are you. If ever you had cause to post some unkind words, it was probably coz I provoked them. I have felt hurt on this board when the constant slamming of JWs occurs, but recognise that I have illicited it sometimes by my own words in response. (the rest I just ignore!) My dad who I love alot often used to say if the subject of gays ever came up in conversation, that they deserved to be shot, he was never JW, but as a teen growing up, those words used to sting me, and got worse as I got older. I guess I saw that as attacking me personally as I have done some of the more vitrieole exjw posts here. I need to learn to let go I think, and just be me. I am trying. I am at a crossroads right now, and like you say need to work it out myself, painful or not. Thanks for wishing me well. And I'll take it slow.

SixofNine

I need to learn to let go I think, and just be me.

That's a good idea, scooby, but be sure to actually believe in what you're doing, this "just being you". Otherwise, you'll never be happy. Seems to me you've done enough feeling for 20 lifetimes, it's time for you to intellectualize your problems.

ScoobySnax

SixofNine....... "personally I don't feel the least bit sorry for you.....etc etc" Thanks So9.... you totally missed the point. How great it must be to be so esconed in your own security of whats right. "Intellectualize your problems" yep like I never thought in 18 odd years of that. Life must be great for you. You can never "feel" enough. You truly learn this way.

The Convention/My life.

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