The JW Martyr Complex?

by lisaBObeesa 21 Replies latest jw friends

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  MrsQ

  My life was not based on the theology of the JWs, but it sure was based on the psychology of the JWs!

  Boy, you hit the nail on the head with that statement! I couldn't figure out for years why I was still so unhappy and miserable, even AFTER I left the borg. Now I know, and it has taken me a long time to get myself straight. I still work at it every day.

  I was (and to some extent still am) a big martyr. It's pathetic. I've been known to INVENT problems just so that I can martyr myself. I'm just so happy to be free and to see clearly, now. I consider myself lucky to have made these discoveries and changes so early in my life. I'm only 29 and I have a lot of quality living to do, now!

  Q.
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  obiwan

  We were taught day after day that what we want and how we feel does not matter.

  Man, you gotta get outta my head! I too have the same realization/problem. Just recently I've come to realize that I make sure everything else is taken care of before I even think of myself. My wife constantly cranks at me to spend some money on myself, and of course I tell her we need this and that, her response "you will always find something to spend money on besides yourself". It ticks me off because she's right! I have found that the only way to break this bad habit is to "reward myself". This past fall I got a new job and I worked a ton of overtime for about three months, so when christmas came around there was money so I rewarded myself for paying all these bills by buying an x box, witch I've alwas wanted. I'm now trying to make every meet-up at the begining of every month to get out and do something for myself. It's still hard to do things for myself, and not feel like I'm being selfish....but I know it's a problem that needs fixing.

  You can take the person out of the organization, but you can't totally take the organization out of the person!
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  unique1

  I think we all go through that period of relieving ourselves of the JW burden. It takes time. Glad to hear you have been able to work through it.
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  joannadandy

  I distinctly remember an epidemic of "bad teachers" when I was about 10-15. It started with one JW who said she had to be home schooled because she was being teased and tortured by her teacher for bing a dub. Soon everyone in the hall was facing the same harrassment from teachers and other students for being dubs. (I dunno--I never saw this--not once while I was in school). I always thought you were supposed to stay out there and fight the good fight for what you believed in...but far better to stay home, and go out in service instead of go to school. Talk about not taking responsibility for your actions. (Oh might add out of the 12 who decided to go do home schooling, only 7 of them graduated and it took more than the alloted time).

  I also remember my father and I rolling our eyes and even mocking the parts about brothers in South Afrtica who had to crawl on their bellys for three days just to get to the sunday meeting over mine fields and shouldn't we lazy bastards in the United States rejoice over how easy we have it? So why can't YOU MAKE ALL THE MEETINGS? DON'T YOU LOVE JEHOVAH?

  Our hall also seemed obsessed with who sacraficed more to be a Jehovah's witness. I honestly remember being at the feet of a group of adults who seemed to be trying to one up each other...

  "I have to shop at Good Will because I pioneer, and my husband is the only one to support our whole family, but I like it because it gives me a chance to study with the children every day."

  "Oh yeah? Well at least you have a believing husband, I have to sneak out sometimes in order to go to meetings"

  And so it would continue. There seemed to be a race to the bottom as to who had it the worst and deserved the most christian attention and love and praise for being able to cope through it all.

  Lisa--what you said here really hit me...

  I am almost unable to make a choice based on what is best for me. And of course this has over time made me a depressed, bitter person who, much to my horror, explodes with rage from time to time.

  That is so me!! It's still me.

  I know what you are talking about the martyrdom aspect of being a "good witness". But I never really saw this flaw in me, (I do view it as a major flaw), as being caused by JW;s. I honestly thought it was because I was a midwestern woman who is told from the cradle--"don't rock the boat, be nice so everyone will like you, and do whatever everyone else wants to do".

  I know there are lots of women who were never JW's who feel this way. Hell doesn't Oprah even devote episodes to mom's who need to be selfish for their sanity? Ok so this won't be a popular view, but I honestly think it's a societal view for women to have to sacrifice everything and that others happiness comes before our own--even to the detriment of ourselves.

  I can see how being a JW could compact that feeling...and even how some men raised in the JW faith struggled with those feelings. But the truth is you're out now, and maybe you need to talk to a professional about how you are feeling. It's not good for you. Nor is it good for me. And I am doing my best to deal with this. (slowly for sure).

  I just hate to see anyone depressed, and it might be more than, "well it's my Jw mindset I just need to get rid of it". That is easier said then done anyway--I think most of us here are living proof of that!

  Anyway--thanks for your post...sorry I got cranked up and long winded everyone but it struck a cord.
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  Piph

  Time to BE ME.

  *breaking into applause*

  That's just a beautiful statement to me. It's so sad how many of us are suffering and have suffered...I'm so glad we're able to get to this point where we can realize the problem so we can do something about it...and I'm so glad we can do it together and lean on one another for support. Of course I'm going through all the same things myself, trying to learn who I am and how to be happy being me instead of just pleasing others. It's so encouraging to read about how many of us there are hurting the same way (that's not the encouraging part) and are reaching out to connect and help each other by listening and understanding. It's great. I love it here!
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  lisaBObeesa

  Thanks everyone for the responses! It is good to know I am no alone. This board has been of so much help to me in the last few weeks. Thank you all.

  MrsQ:

  *breaking into applause*

  oh gosh…thanks. I’m kinda proud of myself, even though I have a long way to go.

  Joannadandy:

  But the truth is you're out now, and maybe you need to talk to a professional about how you are feeling. It's not good for you.

  Actually, I am talking to a professional and that is what is bringing all this stuff up for me. It is blowing my mind again and again how the JW connection keeps coming back up. After several months of therapy, things are starting to make sence.

  It is all related. It is a whole way of looking at life that you learn when you are young at the kingdom hall. It is a way of life that requires suffering in order to be considered ‘good.’

  It is way of life that requires, and rewards, the denying of your true self. It requires the stuffing of feelings.

  I actually feel guilty when I try to put myself first. I don’t think it is going to be easy to just get rid of this way of thinking. All things I have been working through have not been easy. It has been like going to get a root canal: A bunch of yucky stuff has to be dug out and it hurts a lot and then, after a little while, you feel better.

  Now, not only do I have to pull out all of those feelings I hid away and expose them to the light of day, I also have to stop stuffing them from now on, AND I have to start DOING things for me. That last one has got to be the hardest part. I can’t even think of what to do for myself, let alone do it.

  But I am ready now.

  -LisaBObeesa
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  Gopher

  I actually feel guilty when I try to put myself first.

  Lisa, I can relate to that feeling. I let myself be a doormat while a JW, and for a while after leaving the "religion".

  We were taught that the world puts #1 first, and so for us to do that would in effect be self-worship. You'd be part of this world's "me generation".

  But in reality, you MUST take care of yourself first if you're going to be helpful to others. If you don't have enough gas in your own tank, how will you share with others?

  If we give, give, give until we've got no more left -- we're spreading ourselves so thin that we feel worn out, and we're of no help to anyone else.

  So really it's not selfish to take care of ourselves first. Then we're really in a better position to help others, and even have a good attitude while doing so!
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  lisaBObeesa

  We were taught that the world puts #1 first, and so for us to do that would in effect be self-worship. You'd be part of this world's "me generation".

  Oh my gosh! I thought I was back in time at an assembly there for just a second! Flashback!

  I didn't believe they were God's One True Religion, but I sure bought into THIS crap. Ah, the "me generation." Forgot about that...

  If we give, give, give until we've got no more left -- we're spreading ourselves so thin that we feel worn out, and we're of no help to anyone else.

  So really it's not selfish to take care of ourselves first. Then we're really in a better position to help others, and even have a good attitude while doing so!

  You said it perfectly. It is such a basic, simple, beautiful idea.

  How sad that it is taken away from so many JWs!

  -LisaBObeesa
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  SisterLiz

  I remember that no matter how much I did, how hard I tried it was never enough. My mom was seriously ill and had severe asthma. The funny part was that it was the Kingdom Hall making her sick. It was newly built and the fresh paint and the new carpet fibres gave her severe allergies so she had to miss many meetings. My father had to work the evening and night shifts at the time in order to support the family and that, in their eyes was unacceptable because he had to miss the meetings. We all felt guilty, we all felt like total crap and for what? When we all finally did leave it took a while to shake loose all that guilt and fear that "God is watching you, he knows what's in your heart" bullshit. Little by little I've been able to let all those years of indoctrination sift out of my brain......now all that's left is relief that I'm out and finally free, and residual bitterness and hatred towards the society and it's followers.
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  ballistic

  You know, I never admitted it to myself, not until now, that I actually enjoyed missing meetings through illness. I had a kind of warm glow knowing I was in completely borrowed time that was otherwise completely wasted in agony at another mind-numbing drool.

  I never admitted this to myself, I pioneered, gave talks and answered up. But there was a strange kind of enjoyment, even excitement, at some found time that came from 'nowhere'.