Thanks Maverick I wish you could too. I don't ever see him changing. He says he tries but he doesn't. I would know.
How do you 'feel' loved?
by Maverick 17 Replies latest jw friends
-
-
Aztec
(((Been there and Celia))) Husbands can be stupid eh?
I am another one of the "needs to be touched" types. I don't need words or gifts. I need to be held.
~Aztec
-
arrowstar
I'm thinking we need a group
grope...hug...I mean...hug -
Introspection
Don't words and actions both fall under the category of being shown? I think a better question is whether they mean it, regardless of how it is expressed. There's also a question of whether the emphasis is on the feeling or on love. The thing is, the only way I see that someone can experience more than just a temporary good feeling is by seeing that there's real love there, and not just an attempt to make you feel good. Even thought it is considerate for someone to do something to make you feel loved, it is nowhere near as powerful as an act that obviously shows they DO love you, and in that case the feeling just comes as a natural response, doesn't it? In other words, if there is truth behind the action, then you can feel the response coming from a deeper place.
Another point which may seem fairly obvious but actually seems to be missed often is being loved for what you are. In contrast, we all know about the kiss-some-major-ass kind of compliments that are designed to stroke the other person's ego, this to me is just empty and ultimately not fulfilling, it only works temporarily. I mean if you even just stop and think for a second, if you are honest with yourself it's obvious that you are not all that, they probably don't even believe you're all that. (well, even if they do and you know you are not, then you know they are delusional at best) But the point is it's so much more powerful when you know the other person knows you, and in spite of the fact that you're not like a movie star or a supermodel, they love you for who you are. This would be a solid love that's real, not one based on illusion.
Finally a point closely related to the above is to just see the expression for what it is, rather than going by some interpretation of what you think an expression of love is supposed to look like. I mean if you only stick with textbook expressions like a dozen roses, box of chocolate, candle lit dinners or whatever - then you'll miss all the original expressions if they happen to come your way. Of course there's nothing wrong with any of those things, (although my personal feeling is just that those things have been done) but what I'm saying is simply to stay conscious so that you can recognize something as an expression of love, otherwise it would just be a reaction, it's just conditioned behavior on both sides. Unless the action shows the person really understands you, how can it be said that they love you? Anything less than that is just love for a man or a woman, if they really don't even know you.
-
Prisca
In a relationship, I tend to be a touchy-feely type of person. It's not that I have to walk around holding their hand all the time, but if we're sitting together watching TV or whatever, I'll tend to reach out to hold their hand, or lean up against them. I've noticed that when I hold their hand, I'll absent-mindedly start caressing their hand with my thumb or finger. I came from a family where we didn't show much physical affection, so now I crave it. Making up for lost time I guess.
Showing to me that I am loved is also important. It doesn't mean I want big expensive presents (though they're nice in themselves) but little things like a phone call (particularly if you say you'll call), getting me a drink from the fridge when you go to get yourself one, flowers for no reason, surprising me with dinner after a long day - gestures that mean that you consider my needs to be as important as yours, that you think that I am someone special.
If I was married, I would hate to think that my partner felt that I wasn't showing them love the way they needed to be shown love. I think it calls for understanding of each other, to realise what love means to each partner, and what they want from each other. And then to give them that love.
For without love, what is a relationship?
-
Maverick
introspection, good name btw, Love is about feeling. About the interpretation of actions and expressions. The moment. People today are very 'slick' and can put on the charm and be actors. I do it with my clients. Build a rapport, so they will feel comfortable with letting me remodel their homes and hand me lots of money. And I get then to smile and thank me when they are handing me the money. Hell I even get tips. Largest was $900US. So I understand the mechanics of projecting the triggering the feeling you want in people. Here though, I was talking on a personal level, with someone you know and care for. I did not asked about qualifing LOVE, but the triggers that express love in your heart. Thank you for your response. Maverick
-
Introspection
Maverick, the feeling is important of course, and if we're talking about that I would go farther and pose the question of what it is that we're feeling. You mentioned interpretation of actions and expressions, and I think that's where anything like words or even touch (I happen to be a massage therapist) is obviously not immediate, because it does go through this process of interpretation doesn't it? I understand that people can be touch starved just like some people needs to hear that they're loved, and in a way we might say it's all important, even if one is more important for you as an individual. Getting back to the question of what it is we feel, I think if we pay attention we'll see that there are a number of different feelings, but you might feel all of them at the same time too. It's certainly nice and beautiful when there's a strong romantic attraction, but my feeling on the matter is why not have that fuller love that is something of a full spectrum of feelings? I think this experience is so foreign to most that when it does happen they think it's something different, when it is simply experiencing different kinds of love all at the same time. I'd imagine this is what people tend to look for in a relationship, you can be lovers and best friends, there's connection on every level. In a way you might say it is deeper, because there's the sense that other feelings, including romantic attraction is a secondary manifestation of that deeper feeling.
Again, let me be clear that I think all these expressions are important, but I have found that practically no expression is even needed, and for some reason I no longer feel touch starved. The most powerful exprience I have had has to be when it is simply looking at another in silence, so neither words nor physical contact was needed. But I'm not saying it's about visuals either, it just so happens that when you look to see something you do take it all in at the same time, so it is easier to see it through vision. From what I can see it is a function of awareness, rather than any pathways like language or sensory triggers. In a way it just means that whatever gesture that makes you feel love, you can make it richer by bringing more awareness to it. Then again, there's no harm throwing in a combination even if you're big on touch right? For example, imagine holding someone you love, looking into their eyes and telling them "I love you" all at the same time - it's got every one of those elements. But none of that will do anything if you do it mechanically, just imagine an inept teenager following this pattern as a set of instructions on love or something. Awareness simply influses any gesture of affection with life, you might say it is that which embraces the other person, taking them into your heart - and when that really happens the beloved is hard pressed to not be aware of it, even if they don't know what exactly is going on. So I say it's all good, but just be aware that the good stuff is what's underlying the expressions. It's pretty simple really, we all know the voice behind the words and how something is said is important, just as there's a difference to the quality of touch with different people or even the same person at different times. By the way, you mentioned the moment - the present moment is nothing but being aware of what's going on, being completely in touch. You're always in the present, that's pretty much a given. What varies is the quality of the experience, which again is a matter of how aware you are. I know this isn't what you're saying, but even if someone was just interested in feelings I say you don't know what you're missing until you approach it this way, because it adds another whole new dimension to it.
-
Michael3000
I think everyone needs a combo of all three.
And Tony Robbins is an alien! Yeah - him and John Tesh!