Need advice on splitting up with my JW girlfriend

figureheaduk

Hi everybody

Many of you that I have become friendly with on this board will probably know the story of me and my JW girlfriend. For those that don't, here is the lowdown:

Three and a half years ago I met my girlfriend, and everything seemed great until about two or three months later she told me that she used to be a JW (and that her brother and certain other family members still were). It never really bothered me, even though once in a while, for no real reason, she'd mention that she thought that the witnesses were the only true religion. When I'd ask her if that was the case, why did she stop going to meetings and start celebrating christmas, new year, birthdays etc, she would answer that she didn't want to live her life like that. So, everything was OK until a few weeks after the September 11 attacks she started crying one day, saying that she wanted to go back to the witnesses because it was the start of the road to armageddon (she even said she was waiting for Bush to say the words "peace and security"). Not long after she started going back to the meetings, bible studies etc and then she told me that to stay with her we would have to be married. I needed time to think about it and after some long, hard deep thinking I realised that getting married would be a mistake, as I felt that I would be doing it because I felt I had to, rather than that I wanted to. I was totally honest with her and said that I didn't want to get married, which upset her. She then said that it would mean us splitting up at some point in the future so she could get ready for baptism. We've stayed together, but now the relationship is beginning to fall apart. We hardly see each other these days, most of her evenings seem to be WT related, while I'm spending most of my spare time studying for an Open University degree, as well as a work-based qualification. I never seem to be invited to her family get togethers, while she doesnt seem to be interested in my family anymore, either. She says she loves me, but I went to see her earlier and I started to feel uncomfortable being cuddled up to her on the sofa.

It seems so sad that we were once so close and seemingly so besotted with each other, but now we are leading totally seperate lives. I no longer feel that I have anything to offer her, and since she so desperately wants to go back and get baptized, I feel that I need to let go of her so she can do what she wants to do with her life ("unevenly yoked" and all that.....), and I can get on with mine.

So here is my question: does anybody know the best way for me to tell her how I really feel right now ? Are there any things that I should (or shouldn't) say? I know break ups are never easy, but this one could be the most difficult one for me so far, and I honestly dont want to hurt her if I can help it.

Thanks for listening

Figureheaduk

aunthill

Hi Fig,

There is no good/easy way to break up with someone. She may be wondering the same thing, too, though.

IMO, one thing you shouldn't say is "I still love you." I think if you said something like "It seems like we're moving in different directions in our life paths, you're reconnecting with the Witnesses and I'm going on to University. Maybe we should just agree to disagree and go our separate ways." That way, no one is the "bad guy" - it's just a mutual parting of the ways.

She may surprise you and be relieved, but then again, don't be sucked in and change your mind if she cries, marrying her because of emotional blackmail would be a major, major mistake. She has already stated that she knows you would have to split up sometime in the future, if she were going to get baptized, and there is no sense in prolonging the inevitable.

In any case, good luck, and don't get involved with anyone else who has been connected with the Witnesses!

Aunthill

Ravyn

print out your post and give it to her to read.

Ravyn

oldcrowwoman

Hi Figureheaduk~~~~~~~~ Have'nt chatted a while. Sorry to hear your relationship is'nt working out.

Ending are never easy. Even its for the best. Trust your gut in needing to take care of your self. I always try to figure out honestly and repectfully how I am going to end the relationship with dignity.

I see people as teachers , they come into our lives to teach about ourselves. Kinda like a mirror. When changes are made it upsets the apple cart. That gifts were given. They are not always painless.

You have my support in the way you take care of yourself.

OCW

Maverick

I know this sounds cold, but I'll put it to you anyway. You need to be a man and face up to the fact that it is over. Bottom-line this. Forget the past and look to the future. Where are you going in this relationship? And will this ladies attitude get better or worse? Looks come and go but attitute is for life, and what kind of life are you looking forward to with this Dud? She will punish you my friend, you will in time hate her guts. Pack! Maverick

m0nk3y

I can't see any easier way to break it off with her than to simple tell the truth as you have here in your thread.

I don't agree at all with Maverick at all with this comment :

And will this ladies attitude get better or worse? Looks come and go but attitute is for life, and what kind of life are you looking forward to with this Dud? She will punish you my friend, you will in time hate her guts. Pack! Maverick

People attitudes change as they need to, if attitudes didnt chage then I imagine nobody would stop being a Jehovahs Witness ever.

I don't think you can base a past experience either to this girl you don't know either maverick, you don't know if she will punish him.

Whatever you decide figureheaduk, I hope it is the best decision you can make and as painless as possible. God knows how I would cope in your situation, but you seem to have your thoughts together.

*hugz*

monk3y

figureheaduk

Hello again everyone

I finally broke it off with her earlier. Aunthill was spot-on when she said that I may be pleasantly surprised to find that it could be a relief for her too. it turns out that she wanted to try and end things this weekend too. There were a few tears, but we both admitted to each other that a split would make both our lives easier and would allow us to get on with what we wanted to do with our lives. I had always dreaded splitting up with her, because I always imagined that it would all end in floods of tears, but it was such a huge relief to find out that she had been feeling the same way so we parted on friendly terms.

My thanks to all of you that have replied - each post helped me see that it was over (in different ways). Even though my links with the WT are now over, I'll still be coming back to this site, posting and chatting on a regular basis.

see you all soon!

Lee / figureheaduk

Realist

hello Lee,

just wanted to congratulate you on your desicion! to live with a determined JW is impossible over the years. you made the right choice!

wish you the best!

Realist

bluesapphire

Fig, your story reminds me of my sister. I sucked her into the cult when she was engaged to a man she loved soooo sooo much. They had everything in common. Then they both started studying. She started to try to get me out because she thought it was a cult. Then she got sucked in. Her fiancee started studying to get her out. Only he never fell for it.

When the time came for her to make her decision about baptism (you know they begin to pressure you at a certain point) well, she broke it off with him because she gave him the ultimatum: join the JWs or we're through.

It was very sad for her and for all the family because we loved him too. For almost 5 years they were still in love with each other but she refused to "compromise her principles." She thought eventually he would join. He never did.

The sad thing is that this whole time my sister seemed doomed to spend her life as an old spinster. She is approaching 30 which is "old" if you've never been married in the JWs.

I began to think she would never find a man and be happy. She loved her fiancee so much. But recently she finally started dating someone and I see a whole new look on her face. She is happy for the first time in five years. And they look happy together. They are studying the "family" book and have regular watchtower studies. This is what she always dreamed of. And this is exactly what her former fiancee loathed.

So there seems to be a somewhat happy ending in the picture. Except her ex still loves her and doesn't have a clue that she is in love with someone else, finally. So it's a little sad.

I think these things work out for the best. Sometimes the men join the cult just to please the woman. That's how many men get sucked in, anyway. I'm glad you didn't fall for it. It is slavery to a man made organization.

Someday, your ex girlfriend may regret it. Especially when she finds that the only available men to her are 40 year old divorcees with three kids.

figureheaduk

I feel sorry for you, blue sapphire............

Figgie

Need advice on splitting up with my JW girlfriend

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