Two Aerials meet on a roof. They fall in love and get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doctor says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I can't stop singing the Green Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well - It's not unusual."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What - because he's cross-eyed? "
"No - because he's really heavy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer." he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "No charge."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said, 'Is that the local swimming
baths?'
He said, "It depends where you're calling from."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger
brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
I think it's Colin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a
lift?"
I said "Sure - you look great, the world's your oyster. Go for it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors. The doctor said, " I haven't seen you in a
long time."
The man replied, "I know - I've been ill."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors. He said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places."
The doctor said "Well don't go there any more."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
You know those Mange-tout? They're really nice but I couldn't eat whole
one.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
UK Humour....Tommy Cooper Classics
by ISP 13 Replies latest social humour
-
ISP
-
ScoobySnax
Re. UK humour, classics......I still love Dick Emery.....his "Mandy Dunnit" persona (Ooooh you are awful) and "Hettie" the sex starved spinster (Are you married?) base humour I know......but I loved/ love it.
-
liquidsky
Bwaaaaahaaahaahaaa!
OK well i'm drunk, so everything is pretty damn funny. seriously.
-
DanTheMan
Those are great, thanks for sharing! My long-suffering relatives are going to hear the "strawberry" joke next time I see them - watch out sis!
-
Englishman
I do recall the delayed laughter when he talked about the girl sat on the Clifton suspension bridge who was dangling her feet in the water.
or: "My eyes crossed hers. Her eyes crossed mine. And there we were, cross-eyed".
Englishman.
-
Simon
Tommy Cooper was fantastic
I liked the story of the Royal Variety performance where the Queen goes backstage to say a few words to the artists after the show. Normall they are very polite and "yes maam, no maam".
Not TC ...
As the Queen approached, without waiting for an introduction he said in his gruff, gravelly voice:
"Do you like football maam?"
"er ... not really" said the Queen.
"Can I have your cup final tickets then?" he said (the Queen always traditionally presented the FA Cup)
A brother in the cong. next to us did a TC type show and often performed at JW weddings. My ever so righteous brother-in-law was very offended by the commedy 'megic' show (where the tricks all go wrong) and claimed that he was (and I quote) "practicing magic and using the power of Satan's demons". Boy, what a wanker!
-
searchfothetruth
If it's the same person, Simon, was his name Tiny?
There was a brother who I used to meet at quick-builds who was related to Tommy Cooper, and he looked like him, he did tricks for people and the elders told him he shouldn't do 'magic' as it was demonic, the poor guy was so upset.
-
Hamas
Hahaha
Tommy Cooper was a genius. He will go down as one of the all time greats, and his hats
-
RAYZORBLADE
Never heard of that fellow before, but I'm sure glad you shared him with us: what a scream!
I was tee-hee-ing my head off here this a.m.
-
Latte
Razorblade......enjoy!