Where am I?

joelbear

I'm 45 years old going to college for a degree in Marketing so I can find a decent job. I made two A's last semester. I'm only taking 2 classes at a time because of my nerves.

Every day is a battle with my nerves. Medication keeps it under control, barely.

I can divide my life into 3 parts: 1) student 2) JW pioneer/minister and 3) banker. I have been let go from Bethel, my job at Barnett Bank and my job at BenchMark Consulting. Abandonment is an issue.

My close family are all witnesses. While I have a pseudo relationship with my brother and my parents (not based on reality since they have no interest in my career, my relationship with Mitch or anything that makes me me, I have no relationship with the rest of my close family.

On my bad days I think about returning to the Kingdom Hall. Maybe I am one of those who needs the sense of security found there. There are more bad days than good right now.

I feel like I am lost and it frightens me.

Reality is difficult to deal with. I certainly understand why people stick close to their "faiths" whatever they may be. I need some faith and hope.

Aztec

Joel I don't really have any advice but, I really like you alot. Have faith and hope in yourself and most everything else will fall into place. Take care and be well. ~Aztec

JamesThomas

Dear Joel, It certainly is easy to become lost and frightened. Often times it can help a great deal if we sit with ourselves and silently watch. There is something going on here that we need to see and learn from that can help us feel at peace -- rather than lost and afraid. Let your mind and body teach you. Watch and see that when there are thoughts of future or past the body often reacts with a great deal of tension and anxiety which breeds more thoughts. See -- without judgment or psycho analyzing -- how the mind is continually and frantically weaving thoughts upon thoughts upon thoughts of commentary, judgments, hopes and fears...etc.. Witness the reactions of the body: the movement of tension, heat and pressures. Just watch all this. Just watch. Notice how peaceful and beautiful it can become when the mind is used only when absolutely necessary. 90 some % of the minds activity is unnecessary and takes us away from this moment like a raging river into hell. We can choose not to go there. Be silently present and attentive within the moment, with whatever is presenting itself to you. Feel what it is like to be alive without thinking about it. Be gentle and patient and kind with yourself. Feel and appreciate what it is like -- just to breath. Peace to you Joel. JamesT

xjw_b12

I need some faith and hope.

Joelbear. I have faith in you, and I hope all works out with you and your College aspirations.

Regards david

Introspection

Hi Joel,

Although we can define these words in different ways, I would point out that hope is dependent on a better future, faith does not. You can have faith in yourself right now. I would say for the purpose of what we're discussing a precise definition of faith is not necessary, just take the time to feel what that feels like.

I want to be clear that by faith in yourself I do not mean faith in your ability to --- fill in the blank, whatever that may be. It is even closer than that, it is not faith in an action or the result of some kind of action, it's more intimate - right there where you are. I am most certainly not talking about belief, thought is not involved here. It is a matter of knowing yourself, seeing what is here already, so it does not depend on hope for a better future. Call it a kind of strength if you want, but ultimately when you see it for what it is the idea of strength loses meaning, that's 'how strong' it is, because it is not affected by any of the changing circumstances. I'm sure this is rather ambiguous, but like I said I think the best thing is to feel into it. What you are dealing with is not reality, it is phenomena, and it is temporary. Thanks for sharing, take care.

Mark

SheilaM

Joel: Speaking from my personal experience it helps to find something that grounds you. For me it's Thunder and my art. For example yesterday I am sitting in my living room and next thing I know three cop cars pull up in front of my house and two cops are walking up to my house. I freaked (they were at the wrong house, my neighbor sister called and said my neighbor was attempting suicide which was a lie can you say family feud)

Well, I could have gone into a full blown panic attack but I called Thunder talked and told him what happend then I started crocheting instead of letting myself get more and more wound up. I got calm enough to walk over to my neighbors to see if she was ok

What I'm trying to say is for me to survive I had to accept my anxiety disorder and make coping skills that worked for me. I also try to think what is the WORST thing that can happen in this scenario helps a bunch.

Best of luck to you in school sounds like your a bright one

Peace too you

Sheila

bittersweet

(((((((((joelbear))))))))) I also suffer from an anxiety disorder, and I find it hard to cope sometimes. Going back to the KH is definately not the answer. The conditional love offered there isn't what you need to feel better. You have to find something that helps you cope with your nervousness. IMHO, going back to the KH would only make the problem worse.

Please take care of yourself and know that we are here for you. If you ever want to talk, my e-mail is reneegrl69@yahoo. Feel free to drop me a line.

Francois

Hey, Joelbear! where are you going to school? Which fine institution of higher learning (around Atlanta?) are you gracing with your intellect?

Good work. I'm thinking about going back to school, too. My profession has collapsed along with most other high-tech jobs.

francois

Sirona

Joelbear,

Congrats on doing your degree! Its great that you've gone back and I'm in awe of your staying power and determination. (I should be going back in October after a year out).

You can do it!! Just keep going and soon things will click together. You CAN make friends outside of JWs, you CAN be part of a close social circle again, it just takes some time. Don't go back to an abusive cult because things are difficult - I think it will only make it more difficult in the long run,

Lots of love and blessings to you Joel, I'm thinking of you.

Sirona

asleif_dufansdottir

On my bad days I think about returning to the Kingdom Hall. Maybe I am one of those who needs the sense of security found there.

I guess I'm having a hard time figuring out...what sense of security??

My close family are all witnesses. While I have a pseudo relationship with my brother and my parents (not based on reality since they have no interest in my career, my relationship with Mitch or anything that makes me me, I have no relationship with the rest of my close family.

Can there be a sense of security in being with your family and a whole KH full of other people who have no interest in who you really are? Who would actively condemn everything you place importance on??

I guess I just think that going back to the KH would add stress upon stress as you try to conform to something that's not really you, and try to have relationships with people who only like the facade you would present, and not like the real you.

But then, I think the answer to everything is...go back to school, take a class

And about the abandonment thing...lots of us have been let go from jobs. Both my husband and I have. In his case, one time was he not only let go because he got hurt, we had to get a lawyer because they didn't want to pay workman's comp. It can be traumatic to lose a job, but you can also often look back later and say, "I wouldn't be here if that hadn't happened, so it worked out OK." Of course, that doesn't lessen the stress when it happens.

As far as being let go from Bethel...that's more like a merit badge, isn't it???

Take care, keep plugging, keep your chin up and go out and enjoy doing what you want!

Where am I?

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