question: scuicide and mental illness
A friend of my step-son was driving to eat at Danville Va a few days ago with his wife and as they passed over a bridge at a creek, there was a girl sitting on the rail. When they passed and looked back in the mirror she was gone. They turned around and went back and she was in the creek yelling to them. The water was so swift that her husband couldn't get to her and she was trying to get her to hold on to snag in the creek but she let go and hasn't been seen since. They think it was suicide, she had one child and was pregnant again without being married, she couldn't swin.
I hate it when these things happen.
By the way, we have the same birthday, Feb 10, except I was born many years before you.
I have not posted here in a little while I guess it is a good thing. I am making progress but there was this movie I saw the other day and it effected my in a very very negative way. The movie was called vanilla sky. It screwed with me very much I couldn't help but visualize Megan Hanging in the basement. The vision seemed so real as if I were standing there I am crying as I write this but I need to get it out. It hurts so much I miss her soo much. My life is so empty right now without her. Is there such a thing as loving someone too much? I have thought that maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself but it is much deeper than that. There seem to be triggers that elicite an extream emotional response. The thing is you dont know what these triggers are you just know them when they happen. If I knew what they were I could do something to stear clear of them and maybe I would not be so screwed up. You just dont know and the next thing is your blindsided by pain and greif. I was in my sons bedroom changing him the other day when he squealed. When megan and I first had the twins we got a baby monitor that would automaticaly turn on when the babies cried and there was this song that would play and it came on. I just had tears streaming down my face as I was changing him.
Larry,,,,,,,, this is all really fresh pain and you still are probably going thru all the stages of grief all at the same time. Just when you think you are doing ok,,,,,,, a song on the radio, a flower, a sunset , the babies smiles,,,and yeah many times movies will hit you like a brick wall. It's ok to feel the pain, you really have to to survive it all . There is no way around it,,,,,,,,, I have heard the saying ........"the only way out is through".... something like that. You just have to go thru it , and it is perfectly normal. No matter what road your life leads you down, Megan will always be in your heart and you will always love her. I guess the only thing that brought me comfort at the time I was a JW when she died, was that I was sure she would be resurrected and I would see her again, and that she wasnt in pain anymore. She was at peace. That still didnt make it all alright , ya know, I cried for years, even after 18 years of my mom being gone I still cry, I still get mad, I still miss her like hell. I can only imagine the pain of losing your spouse , that has to be very hard and very lonely too.
Just know Larry, that we all care and think of how you are doing, and when you posted those pics of Megan and the babies , it made her so real to me. She was a very pretty lady and seemed to have alot of spunk to her.
Have you thought of going to a suicide surviors group? It might really help to be able to share with people face to face , the same things you are going thru. I wish I would have done it years ago , when it was all so fresh and I was so young.
Keep on hanging on Larry and you are gonna make it friend. hugs,,,,,,,Dede
Thank you for responding dede. I know I havent posted anything here far a little while but I check daily. Your words are a comfort to me. Just to know someone out there cares means a great deal. espescialy someone who has walked the same path that I am now walking on. You know the highs and the lows and I guess I must be dropping to one of those lows over the last few days. The trial for my babies is tomorrow and I think the pressure and the whole impact that this trial is and will have on me is coming to bear. The deposition I had to go through last week was bad enough. I can only think that tomorrow and the next day are going to be very hard on me.
again thank you dede
((((((((((Larry and babies))))))))))
Please keep holding, kissing, and looking at your precious children. They need you so much, and you will get so much back from them for the care and love you give them now...hang on to that, and they will hang on to you, and the light in their little eyes will help you to keep going.
They love you so much. They're just too little to say so, so I'm saying it for them. If they could articulate, it, they'd probably say something like...
We don't understand why mommy went away, but we know that you're so sad. We can see it in your eyes and sometimes we can hear you cry,and it scares us. But we know that you're trying, and we need you to know that we really, really love you, Dad, with all our hearts. When we get older we'll need you to tell us all you can about our mother, to remind us that she loved us so much even though she couldn't stay...that it wasn't our fault, and most of all we need to know that you're going to be here for us, Dad. We need you more than we can even understand.
Please feel how much we love you when we look at you, when we gurgle and smile, in those quietest of moments when you're rocking us to sleep or caring for us when we're sick.
We are so small, and the world is so big. We need you to show us the way. Please hold our hands so we won't be so scared, and we promise we will give you all the love our little hearts can possibly give, and then some. Please stay with us, you're all the family we have.
love, your babies
(((((Larry))))) I can't even fathom what you're going through, please talk when you need to, and know that many of us here are thinking of you and your kids every single day.
I hope that this post isn't out of line, or offensive to you in any way. It's just so hard to know you're suffering and feeling so alone when your kids surely adore you so much, you just can't hear them say it yet.
take it a day, an hour, or a minute at a time if you have to...and just keep going.
Essie, Your post was anything but offensive to me. I Just got home from seeing my children and it feels good to say that. I have been kept away from my son Kenny for the last three weeks. The last time I saw him was when he came out of the recovery room after having had his surgery. I spent most of the day with them and it was very nice. When I went to leave kenny almost ripped my heart out. I had picked up kenny to give him a kiss and I was saying bye bye like you do to little babies and he opened and closed his hand and said mum mum. I started to break down on the spot I could not help it. When megan was still alive those were his first words.He would say that to his mommy and I remember how excited she was when he first started to do that.I remember the smile on her face and she was beaming with happiness.
I love my children like a father is supposed to love his babies I dont think there are words to truely describe it. The custody trial is going to start in 15hours and 55 minuites and it is supposed to last 2 days. I have tried to keep from stressing about tomorrow the best I can. Being with the babies has helped. God it is nice to be able to say babies in the plural sense.
Again thank you for posting here.
Good luck Larry! I hope you win!!!!!!! You deserve to have your babies.
If you're suicidal, you are in the darkest place mankind can ever know. To actually seek out one's own destruction is a violation of the most primal instincts. I've been there, I know somewhat. Not event induced trauma, but rather a chemical imbalance that has plagued me since my childhood.
I was reading the Army survival manual, and they said that the most important tool to surviving is your own mind - adaptability and stubborn refusal to give in...
But how can we seek life when our own minds betray us??? Not through fear of punishment, but love of those around us. We have to survive so we don't let them down! My fiancee relies on me, my fellow actors need me to play my part literally, my cats wouldn't get fed without me...
This necrotic demon of despair plagues us, taunts us, demands our blood to seek surcease from pain... and he won't get it from me...
You need to realize that your kids need you to live, so that they won't spend the rest of their lives being raised in a cult! Take a deep breath, take your medications, see a psychiatrist, but keep breathing! Keep swinging! Don't give up! Battle onward, my fellow warrior, and soon glorious victory will be yours!
And guess what you win... the chance to fight for your life tomorrow... that's how it goes. No false comfort from me, living is going to hurt A LOT, but there are people counting on you to do your job as a father!
Thanks for the kick in the ass. I needed it escpecially befeore going into what I went through today. I have not had a good day today and I went to the trial with my chin up and ready to fight. I was told that I would be the first one testifying only to find out that I was to sit there the whole day listening to all of Megans JW half of her family lie through there teeth. The only consolation was they did not have all of thier stories straight and were contradicting one another. Tomorrow is another day and I will again go in there with my chin up.
I don't even want to think of what the alternative will be if the trail goes the wrong way tomorrow