I last spoke to my father in March 1990. We finished a "quick build" Kingdom hall and I had a 17 year old spiritual awakening and decided to drop high school to Pioneer full time. (Yes I was a dumb ass) He was not happy since my parents were divorced he was Catholic. We had a arguement and he said stay in school get a degree...and dont come back if your a Witness!! I wanted to be the most righteous and holy Pioneer so I just never went to see him again nor he me since we are twins, arogant and stuborn assholes. I gave experiences at District assemblies about how I threw dad under a bus so I could be this self righteous Pioneer pious dumb shit. Well, after 12 years of being a poor poor white trash Pioneer I get the internet on dial up and realize that the Watchtower idol is a false God with a guiness book of records false armegedon prophecy awards. I never got together with dad. I felt rejected but I think he did too. After all i went to Jonestown to sip some ice cold coolies with my bro's and sisters. YE HAA!! So got the call Saturday Dad is dead....let me explain how it feels, I thought i would feel NOTHING ....instead I'm dazed shocked and I feel a huge loss like being hit with a truck. He was a good dad took us to movies got me a color TV, cried when my mum moved away with us to another town.....followed us to that town. I wasted our relationship so I could sell bullshit magazines for 80 cents for the two. Later he lived overseas with a new family and my relatives tell me he cried and remembered me and my sister he was 78. Im soo sorry dad I love you and miss you Im so sorry. Im the worst son how could I be so stupid i could have gone to make amends. I have been crying for a week. I cant go back to work. I ruined my family my sister who is now not a J.W but was is very very upset. DONT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!! It hurts....you think it will not but it does ALOT. Please please go back to your parents and try to make up. At least you tried and wont have regrets. Its too late when they die. You will realize that too late.
2016 death of my father who told me don't come back if your a Witness...still hurts my soul! Warning you all!!
I'm sorry for your loss, wishing you peace.
I am so sorry.... This is hard shit .... I too crapped all over my sweet, dear, wonderful non-JW family for DECADES while I was a self-righteous, smarmy "true Christian" --- I lost my mom last year, and the loss of her is so exquisitely painful that some days I almost can't stand it or myself.
Regret and guilt are the way we "haunt" ourselves with their memory, and they are big terrible demons to contend with....
Yet continually kicking ourself is not healthy.... I try to remind myself that I thought I was being "faithful" and trying to do the "right" things, living a life "that was pleasing to Jehovah" .... and that I was in a f'ing CULT...!!!
Most of my memories of my dear mother are from CHILDHOOD, as I became a JW when I was around 20 and finally woke up nearly 30 years later....
... All those decades of never wishing her a happy Mother's Day, no Christmases , no birthdays.... She could never celebrate those things with my kids, her only grandchildren.
Oh gawd. This is very hard to come to terms with, I think it will be a wound on my heart always....
But some days the pain does lessen and is not so sharp and damning.... She loved me and my JW-self treated her (and all my non-JW family) like crap.... Regret, guilt and shame keep us tied to the past, stops us from moving forward.... It will be hard, but remembering this helps me treat all the dear people in my life with more love and compassion.
I try to remember the things my mom taught me, the words and phrases she used (I write down all my memories of her in a special journal...) and this helps somewhat.
Every day I still tell her in my heart how sorry I am and how much I miss her....
We live with the good parts and asshole parts of ourself.... Being a "spiritual" Jehovah's Witness is being a special kind of terrible, detached, disconnected asshole shithead.... (You know, I still don't really swear except when I start talking about being a JW!!) but remember, WE WERE MISLED, we were lied to... We were betrayed, and in turn, betrayed others.
I do understand and hear you... I feel this terrible pain and grief too.... and I'm sure that many other ex-JWs understand and feel this, too. You are not alone.
There will be sweet, wonderful, happy moments in your life again, but yes, there will always be this ache in your heart ... Let that pain help you not to be an asshole any more. Become "the best person of yourself" -- that phrase is from a motto from my grandchildren's school -- a Catholic school.
I have a friend who is into Bhuddism, she tells me that her belief is that we're all put here to learn something.....
I wish you peace ... and many condolences.
I am so sorry, man. I hate this stupid cult.
I'm so sorry for your loss, and trust many of us, we know exactly the pain you are experiencing. My condolences for your father passing.
Before anything else, I'd like you to address these things that you say in your post to describe yourself and your actions. You refer yourself and your actions as:
arogant and stuborn asshole
pious dumb shit
poor poor white trash
I wasted our relationship
I ruined my family
I think you are being a little too harsh on yourself. Don't talk about yourself in those terms. It harms you. Remember these few things. It is every father's responsibility to reach out and be there for his children, even if the child rejects him. It was not ok for him to just go along with you leaving. He shunned you too. Blaming people doesn't do any good, but being aware that there is a shared responsibility when it comes to that relationship can help you understand that you are not the solely responsible for things not going well.
The situation turned unfortunate, but it was mixture of poor decision making on both parts. Also remember, you were made believe a lot of nonsense, so you were doing the best you could with the information you had.
You can forgive yourself for playing a role in an unfortunate relationship. And you can take responsibility for your decisions and actions, but degrading yourself and feel completely guilty of causing the entire thing is just not realistic.
It is a sad situation, but please be gentle with yourself. That way you will be able to see the entire picture.
Thank you for sharing, Witness007.
My mother still speaks to me, but always tries to squeeze in a little preaching.
Sometimes I get frustrated at "being the bigger person" and not taking the bait.
But, it's cautionary stories like yours that help me stifle the urge to blow it all up and tell her what I really think.
Thank you, Scratchme.... your words resonated very much for me as well.
I don't know anymore if there is a God, but if there is, may God damn the Watchtower!!!
A sad but a very true story how this religoius publishing cult with all of its entailing corruption and power has destroyed perhaps millions of family relationships.
The Watchtower Corporation and its designated sales representatives the JWS was always an assertive commercialized fraud, pretentiously portraying itself preaching the Gospel of Jesus Christ correctly, where no other Christian organization was doing so. This organization breaks up families, influences people to commit suicide by refusing Blood Transfusions, and one time vaccinations and organ transplants. It began as self empowering element for men who were not even academically trained bible theologians but were involved with occultism such as Pyramidology and Freemasonry. Nevertheless the leaders of this organization still and continuously proclaim that Jehovah had chosen them and have empowered the leaders with his holy spirit. Its a bit of a psychological con game that exploits the weak minded, poorly educated, and mentally vulnerable.
Thanks for sharing Witness 007
First, let me offer my condolences on the loss of your father. That's a tough lesson to learn first hand. I hope your post inspires others to do as you advise.
Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, but please learn to forgive yourself. Dwelling in a house of regret will not bring you peace or freedom, only self-forgiveness will. Teaching others about your experience is a healthy first step on the way to peace.
That's sucks man really sucks, so sorry! I remember my dad being in his death bed and begging me to stay in so he could see us again in paradise. The cult made his life a real struggle , watching him die was horrible, this wasn't supposed to happen right!