Do you remember SNL's (Saturday Night Live's) "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy"? Here is a collection I hope you'll enjoy!
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Maybe in order to study mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words--"mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I hope if dogs take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Contrary to what most people would say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on the elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car--I forget what kind it was--and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy that we called "Dad". We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. ....I gues some things never leave you.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I Helped Skin Bob".
The face of child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.
I bet what happened was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel.
I bet one legend that keeps returning throughout history , in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to try to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
If you're like me, you probably blame a lot of things on rubber bands. If there's bad news in the newspaper, you blame it on the rubber band which kept it rolled up. Or if you get your bank statement, and there's less moeney in your account than you thought you had, you blame it on the rubber band that holds the statement and the checks together... ...Why do we do that?
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending like he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
If I lived back in the Wild West Days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my hoster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." ...Then everyone would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
....Anyway, folks, I think these are funny!