Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

by bebu 9 Replies latest social humour

  • bebu

    Do you remember SNL's (Saturday Night Live's) "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy"? Here is a collection I hope you'll enjoy!

    Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

    Maybe in order to study mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words--"mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

    I hope if dogs take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

    Contrary to what most people would say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on the elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

    The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car--I forget what kind it was--and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy that we called "Dad". We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. ....I gues some things never leave you.

    It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

    I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I Helped Skin Bob".

    The face of child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

    I'd rather be rich than stupid.

    If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

    I bet what happened was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel.

    I bet one legend that keeps returning throughout history , in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

    When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

    To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

    What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to try to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

    We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

    Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

    If you're like me, you probably blame a lot of things on rubber bands. If there's bad news in the newspaper, you blame it on the rubber band which kept it rolled up. Or if you get your bank statement, and there's less moeney in your account than you thought you had, you blame it on the rubber band that holds the statement and the checks together... ...Why do we do that?

    I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending like he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

    If I lived back in the Wild West Days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my hoster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." ...Then everyone would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

    ....Anyway, folks, I think these are funny!

  • Joyzabel

    ROTFLMAO, I remember that character! Loved it.

    Thanks for bringing back funny memmories.


  • Big Tex
    Big Tex

    I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

    If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

    When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

    One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

    Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

  • bebu

    ROTFL!!! Those were new to me, Tex. Thanks! Does anyone else have other comments?


  • Big Tex
    Big Tex

    Okay, now you're testing my memory. This is all I can remember:

    When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

    At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw screw you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

    Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

    I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

    I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

    Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

    Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

  • bebu


    Those last two were my favorites!

    "Think again, batman!" I see this phrase is going to get a lot of use from now on...


  • Brummie

    bebu... this thread is flippin hilarious


  • notperfectyet
    I don't pretend to have all of life's answers, but I do pretend to be a spaceman.

    To me, clowns aren't funny, infact they're kind of scary. I've wondered when this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my father.

    To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around, that way if anyone says "Hey, can you give me a hand" you can say "Sorry, I've got these sacks"

    I hope life isn't one big joke because I don't get it.

    I think a funny joke during an earthquake would be if you straddles a crack in the floor and as it got wider waved your arms about and shouted whoa! whoa! as if you were going to fail in.

    If you fall off a tower you should try to go limp because then you might look like a dummy, and someone might try and catch you because, hey, free dummy.

    I love Jack Handy! Is he on SNL anymore? I am too old to stay up that late and my sons have moved out and I have no one to program the VCR anymore.......

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    ...I'm dying over here.

    I started reading some of those damn Jack Handy lines, and I was in stitches.

    Here I am, after 5:00 a.m. here, busting my gut so bad...I'm passing gas.

    Honestly, some of them had me in tears, I was laughing so hard.

    Big Tex, some of yours were particularly painful.

    LMAO still.

  • bebu

    Sadly, I haven't seen Jack Handy's Deep Thoughts on SNL for years... Wish they'd resurrect this segment!! So classic.

    Are there any more out there?


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