by new boy 39 Replies latest jw friends
Don't beat yourself up. A friend of ours, who left years ago, told us that he thought he was doing the best thing for his family (by being a JW). It made a mess of his family.
I apologized to my kids for being so stupid. One responded...."it's ok, I turned out fine."
We can not undue what has been done, we just have to move forward and forgive ourselves. The important thing is, we got OUT and are free!!!
Yeah - I have a lot of resentment toward my parents. One is deceased, the other is fully indoctrinated.
I can't forgive their shitty decisions. They don't/can't even acknowledge that they did anything wrong!
New boy, you at least have that starting place with your son. It's something. It's better than nothing - which is what many of us have with our families.
You have offered your son something I've wished for...for years.
Something I will likely never get.
You've done the right thing by your son. I hope that before too long you can both takes steps forward in your lives together.
Keep trying with him. And keep us posted on your progress. Good luck.
I left before I had kids or married, but the mindset was still there. I'm shitty at holidays and birthdays. I have a distance with people. I'm skeptical and cynical and still, against my own conscience, I am judgemental. YET I have the inclination to be the devils advocate in many situations. No cognitive dissonance here!
That has affected my family life and relationships detrimentally.
I'm not much fun. I really regret that my upbringing turned that switch off in me. That hurt my kids the most and doubtless my husbands lives also.
I'm sorry that the OP and so many others were affected. Our responses are based in our own life experiences and family. I have other ex JW family members with worse mental health and family cicumstances, but who all adored their entire extended step/half siblings. I wish I understood people. I am so developmentally delayed in relationships!
NEW BOY:
I am sorry your child is bitter towards you because you didn’t get them out of the JW religion sooner.
I’m sorry for what he and you missed out on being raised a JW. I came into the JW religion as a young working adult and even though I wasted 20+ years there, I at least had a “normal” childhood and upbringing. While I can still be angry at a lot of things, I’m not as angry as somebody born-into the religion who really missed out.
Looking at the bright side, tell him he was protected from drugs, etc. I hope in time his anger towards you fades.
You son feels safe enough to tell you how he really feels even though it makes you feel like shite. At least there is communication, albeit painful at the present moment. Give them all time, time to trust and see that you are genuinely out. We are all victims of this horrible cult that really does destroy families on so many levels. I would say this is just a stage of rehabilitation for your son and yourself. Give things time and keep talking things through--- keep your wits about you and remember, kids will say some stuff that cuts like a knife... but we are the adults and can handle it. When the proper time comes, explain yourself once again and give it time to gain back any respect you may have lost. If after a good deal of time--- you do need to protect yourself from overly negative comment and toxic relationships... so, speak your peace, live your words, and concentrate on healing and making yourself a better person. You should not have to suffer with guilt of past mistakes while under mind control. The fact that you finally came out, and at such a great sacrifice speaks volumes!
It's almost universal that kids will be highly critical of how their parents raised them up through their twenties. Then they grow up because they realize that their parents had never raised kids before and they just did the best they knew how.
When the kids keep carrying that chip on their shoulder into their thirties, it's their own problem, not the parents.
I would strongly encourage you to apologize to your son, to the degree that you feel comfortable. By acknowledging his anger you'll help him move past that. If you don't acknowledge his anger, he's going to stay angry most likely, and that will impede your ability to have a relationship with him. You did play a part in raising him, and it's clear that you feel regret and some responsibility. Just tell him that.
This is good stuff.I would strongly encourage you to apologize to your son, to the degree that you feel comfortable. By acknowledging his anger you'll help him move past that. If you don't acknowledge his anger, he's going to stay angry most likely, and that will impede your ability to have a relationship with him. You did play a part in raising him, and it's clear that you feel regret and some responsibility. Just tell him that.
Tell him sorry. Then tell him to pull his head out and look forward not back. Have a birthday cake on valentines day, make a toast and give him a Christmas card, then ask if he feels better and wish him good luck. Count your blessings.
And I hope lurkers are reading this and taking it all in.
If you are a JW parent and wondering about leaving vs staying and how it may play out with the kids...behold.
It is unlikely that your kids will thank you for raising them in a cult.
The very minute you realize that this 'religion' is a dangerous scam, and you admit to yourself that you don't believe it...should be the last minute that kids are made to endure this shit.
Yes, I know this is an oversimplification and exits need to be planned and such, but you get my meaning.
