So is anyone else having an existential crisis after becoming fully awake? I sure am.
Let me explain. About 2 years ago I read CoC, still believed and tried to get back in da troof. Got DF'd instead and then found jwfacts and that really made me see reality. That was about a year and a half ago now. Since that time I've been reading here regularly and also elsewhere and in my own reasonings have come to conclude that 1. there is no god at all, or 2. if there is a god he/she/it does not care at all about us or how we worship. I am mainly leaning about 90% towards 1. I really don't think a creator or god exists at all.
Since this realization I have been having an existential crisis. I went from having a purpose and meaning in life and a very bright future to the stark reality that nothing I do matters in the end. Nothing is coming but worm food. The end. Lights out. Forever. Granted no one, NO ONE knows for sure what may be the true reality or what might happen after we depart but damn it sure seems to me like the answer is nothing.
So with this new found belief I have come to the conclusion that the best thing I can do is enjoy every day and to treat others as well as I can without compromising my own happiness, and I really do try to do this.
I see god and religion now in a new light; to me it's nothing more than a feeble attempt by ALL humans to dispell their own existential crisis. After all if you truly believe as I do I think most if not all humans will feel this same way. I mean, if this life is all we have and nothing follows and in the end nothing you do/say/think matters and is eventually forgotten (and it will be given enough time) then what the hell is the point of living at all? Just to enjoy some brief moments of happiness while the vast majority of life is full of pain? I don't know how much longer I can go on. Everyone involved in religion has a purpose. They are all fighting for something and have a deep belief in it. I totally get it. And I was very much there once myself. I was always fighting to be good enough for the Paradise, it was shit but at least it was something, some hope to cling to, that one day, one day I would truly be happy, etc.....
I'm NOT throwing a pity party for myself here, that is absolutely not the intent of this post. I am reaching out to you all, and especially those who have come through this phase of awakening successfully and have found a way to deal with it and to be happy.
Currently I'm dealing with it in the worst way possible. I drink. Every single night for the past two years more or less I've been drinking heavily. I'm really not trying to sound like a "told ya so" story..... ie. leave Jehovah and end up a miserable drunk. It's not Jehovah, or the JW religion that's done this to me, it's my own inability to find meaning in life now that ALL religion and all idea of God is gone from my consciousness. I am miserable all day at work. I come home and I'm miserable there too. I'm with friends and family and for a while I might forget the misery but deep down....still miserable. The only time I'm anything close to happy is when I'm drinking. Instant happiness for a while. Or having sex.....that makes anyone happy. But these things are not a healthy way to be happy because they are harmful (liver damage/unwanted pregnancy/stds/emotional distress) and fleeting. For now however it's all I've got and I'm making the most of it. But I don't want to live out my remaining years like this. I want to find real happiness and meaning in my life and I just can't seem to figure this out.
So if anyone of you has any helpful experiences of your own or advice please please share those with me. I really need help before I damage myself in some what that's irreparable.
Sincerely and with thanks.