I've been lurking in this site for about a week now. I didn't know something like this existed or else I may have come sooner. I'm a bit selfish for making this my first post, but I'd like to introduce myself and get some feedback if possible.
My parent's became Jehovah's Witnesses when I was eight years old, so I was for the most part "raised in the truth". I come from a large family that moved around alot so have been affiliated with many congregations. I was baptised when I was 13, I think mostly because I wanted to belong to something. I did the homeschool thing for part of high school, because I couldn't reconcile not having friends at school and going there every day. I regular pioneered for about 6 years. The sad part about it, was that I think I did it because then I thought "they" would have to love me and be my friends. "They" would be witnesses. Well, I was a good girl, followed all the "rules". I was lonely and depressed for the most part. I wanted to get out, and the time I did not think it was out of the organization, just out of the town/congregation.
The good part about that time period was that I went to college (that's a long story in itself). I was ostracized for doing so, and treated like a bad associate, even though I was the "perfect" pioneer. Thus began the real conflict I had the "worldly" people at school practically begging me to be their friends, and the witnesses ditching me for service. It all came to a head the summer before I moved away from my home town. I was in a very low, depressed, dark place. I had just turned 21 years old, had never been on a date (no witness man had ever shown interest in me), had few young female friends, and thought about suicide on a daily basis. A guy I worked with was very persistant, and asked me out repeatedly for about 6 months. (He was VERY handsome). The long and the short of it was I finally gave in, and we had a short relationship that lasted about 2 months. I did not love him, he just made me feel good about myself. I broke it off when I finished college and decided to move away. I also couldn't deal with the threat of being "caught". I think I hurt him, and still feel terrible about it. I've never told anyone about him.
When I moved, I resumed my charade of being perfect. The odd part was all the attention I suddenly received from single "brothers" who would not have given me the time of day before. Within a year I met my future husband. He was not at all what my family had in mind. As my older brother put it "a spiritual nothing". I stopped pioneering shortly before we were married. I just couldn't stand it anymore. As soon as I stopped people started to treat me differently. The first year we were married I was "sick" alot on meeting nights. I gradually started to miss more and more. During this time I also had a real health scare. Since I was the primary source of our support, I insisted my husband go to college in case I would not be able to work in the future. (He had been working for a "brother" since he had graduated from high school for next to nothing) It was during that time my husband and I oh so gradually started to slip away, until we hadn't been to a meeting since last years memorial.
That is what started my searching. We did go to the memorial this year. At our respective families insistance. So now what? I am not a spiritual person, never was. I admit my years in the "truth" were purely for social reasons. When those social needs were not met I drifted away. I do miss some things though, the feeling of belonging to something, the feeling of not disappointing my family, and of course the "love bombling" we experienced when we went to the memorial this year. Also part of me wants to go back just for awhile to gloat (I have a mean streak). We left for a while, and look how good our life is now. What I mean is, we just built a new house, we both have good careers, and a net work of (normal friends)Armageddon did not come, and the bad "world" did not get us. Instead we got a life.
So what is the problem? I'm not exactly sure. Somehow there is still a residual feeling of being a Witness. I have never had anyone to talk to about this. My friends would not understand, and I prefer the status quo of not discussing it with my husband. We never discussed leaving, not going to meetings, reasons, etc.. we just stopped. I actually had to go looking for reasons because I am so ambivalent. I am a nurse, yet even when I was a pioneer did not think twice about giving a blood transfusion. (The horror!) I rationalized it by stating it was thier conscience not mine. There was an brother in my old hall that was disfellowshipped for being a child molester. I disagree with the fact that authorities were not notified by the brothers (wouldn't want to bring reproach). It took a counselor for one of the girls to notify the proper channels. Come to think of it, he was appointed as an elder while he was molesting little girls, so much for holy spirit. I don't have an axe to grind though, I guess all I want is for the whole witness thing to just go away.
Thanks for letting me ramble.