I've been in love with a Jehovah Witness without knowing it for a long time, he hid it from everyone.
Hello :) So I know this guy for almost 6 years, i met him when i was 15 and i felt in love. Now I’m 21 and he is 22. We were in the same class and got along very well and he seemed to like me too. When I confessed, face to face he haven't admitted and he haven't denied it and he acted like he liked me too but couldn't be with me because reasons bigger than him, but I was too young to understand and he was young to handle the pressure he had. We remained friends and in 2014 he told me he was jehovah witness and told me a lot about his life and how it was hard and how it conditioned his behaviour because he was embarrassed about it, so nobody knew and he hide is religion all high school time. For some months he told me a lot about his religion and he liked to talk with me, we talked on facebook because we couldn't meet. But he started to be a cold person and when I asked about his feelings again, he have run away from the subject and got a little upset. Since that time (it was September 2015) we just talked tree times and it was very small messages. Until 2 weeks ago… I went to the place where he works so I could invite him to go to a café or something so we could clarify everything about his feelings for me and his religion because I really want to move one and free myself from this, but I couldn’t ask it because his brother and mother work there too, so we texted after that and I told him. He was very kind and never got angry with me, he was very patient. But he was supposed to let me free to move on and find a future for myself and he said that I should try not to think about him, not in a way to forget him, because he thinks that’s almost impossible (I never said that) but just because I need new thoughts. And of course he denied my invitation for going somewhere to talk. But then he said that when our young minds are not unstable anymore, in that time we could see each other. I wasn’t expecting nothing like this… but I know a lot about Jehovah witnesses and I now their rules about dating. I’m not a Jehovah witness, I’m what they call a non-believer but I respect their religion and I respect this boy a lot! The thing that is bothering me is that I don’t know his intentions with inviting me when we are old enough to meet. I mean, he knows very well my feelings, he knows this is giving me hope, but he never completely let me go, our relationship never really ends. Due to all his rules, is he just trying to just stay friends with me? But if it’s is just to remain friends why wait to actually meet up and talk? I’ve been thinking a lot and is there any chance that he his planning on giving me an opportunity when we are old enough to marry? (It is funny because when we were young he asked me several times to marry him and maybe it was because of his rules). I mean, he his a jehovah witness but he is a good guy and very kind to me, he has a lot of rules about dating, I think he saying that we could meet when we are mature enough, should mean something. Can you give me some opinions? (Sorry for such a long post!).
P.S. I’m not planning on converting for him if there is a chance for us to marry. I like him the way he was and he know the way I am and he never tried already to convert me. I know is hard but I just read some stories on people who could actually make that work. I would like to try. I know I am young but he is special and it’s not a crush at all. And he is a Jehovah witness since some years ago, he hasn’t born in it and at least his father’s side family is not Jehovah witnesses.
It could be that he is struggling with his feelings for you and his years of indoctrination and being lost in a mental maze. Understand that if he pursues a relationship with you, it will likely impact his relationship with his family and friends.
At the very least, he might be "marked", which means a talk will be given about him, and everyone who knows the situation will have to withdraw socially. At most, going down this road might get him disfellowshipped, where everyone he knows would have to shun him, not even saying hello if they see him.
Make no mistake that it is a cult...too often have people come on this forum in this same situation and it rarely ends well for anyone.
My suggestion is to move on in your life and forget him. I know that is harsh, but you need to face reality. He is very conflicted between his beliefs and his feelings for you, but he needs to pick one and commit, otherwise there is no future for you, he is doing you a disservice by holding out hope of a possible relationship, it's cruel. The problem is that this is not a normal religion, it is a cult. They keep people tied up in these feelings of fear, obligation and guilt, it's really difficult to get them to make rational, independent decisions.
Even if he did marry you your life would forever revolve around his beliefs. You may think you could work with that, but it will get old. He will be looked down on for having married outside "the truth", you will be considered less than by everyone he knows. What happens when you have children? Do you want them going to the kingdom hall to be told everyone but Jehovah's Witnesses will die soon at Armageddon? Trust me, he will feel an obligation to teach them these things. Do you want to celebrate Christmas, birthdays and other holidays by yourself? This is the reality of life as an "unbelieving mate".
LisaRose's post above ^^^ summed it up well.
In my experience, teenagers who keep their religious affiliation on the down-low do it because they're embarrassed about it.
This - in and of itself - suggests to me that if a good enough reason came along, they'd at least consider fading.
If he won't, though, my advice is to cut your losses and move on.
For some months he told me a lot about his religion and he liked to talk with me, we talked on facebook because we couldn't meet. But he started to be a cold person and when I asked about his feelings again, he have run away from the subject and got a little upset. Since that time (it was September 2015) we just talked tree times and it was very small messages.
Until 2 weeks ago… I went to the place where he works so I could invite him to go to a café or something so we could clarify everything about his feelings for me and his religion because I really want to move one and free myself from this, but I couldn’t ask it because his brother and mother work there too, so we texted after that and I told him. He was very kind and never got angry with me, he was very patient. But he was supposed to let me free to move on and find a future for myself and he said that I should try not to think about him
There seems to be something really off here. That telling you about his religion was probably an attempt to get you interested in becoming a JW. Becoming cold towards you was probably because you weren't interested in becoming a JW. They tend to be very intolerant and disrespectful of non JWs.
What I am getting is that he sorta likes to have you in the picture but there's no real commitment going on nor even respect for your long term friendship or your feelings. He's kept you out of his life long enough for you to get the idea that there's no future with him.
Since you seem to be pursuing him it appears to be costing you more then you need.
It's time to cut him loose and move on with your life.
Feel free to stay in contact with this forum. Many have gone through what you are experiencing and are willing to share information about their past relationship with a JW.
Unless he stops attending the meetings and fades (I hope you know the term), do not bother starting a relationship with him. Everything LisaRose wrote in her post is true. I have to confirm that a life with a Jehovah's Witness is incredibly hard. Does it work out for some people? Well, yes, it does; I've seen that myself. However, it's extremely rare. In most cases, the couple ends up separating and divorcing.
Consider LisaRose's questions seriously. What will you do if and when you have children? Other Jehovah's Witnesses will pressure him and subsequently "force" him to teach your kids "the truth." He will be pressured to take your kids to the Kingdom Hall, where they will be taught that blood transfusions and holidays, such as Christmas and Halloween, are bad and forbidden. They will be taught that you, as an unbeliever, are controlled by Satan. That stuff can break your heart. And even if you won't have children, as LisaRose pointed out, you will have to celebrate holidays on your own, without him. When you'll start living together and decide to invite his friends (Jehovah's Witnesses) to your place for a meal, any conversations will be centered around their beliefs. Your guy may not try to convert you, but his friends would certainly attempt to do that. That would be an incredibly hard life.
Unless he fades and leaves this religion, do not bother. I repeat; do NOT try to have a relationship with him. Don't take my words as a harsh commandment, though. Take it as a friendly advice from the community of ex-Jehovah's Witnesses who have years of experience with the cult. It almost never works out in real life.
While you have been seemingly more than casual friends for upwards of 6 years, your reluctance to be even seen by his parents and brother seems to imply they don't even know you exist and you realize that your presence would cause a huge problem.
Isn't it extremely strange that someone who is supposedly so important to him, is not known to his immediate family? You are being treated as a non-person yet, you continue to accept that treatment.
While you infer you want to move-on to find someone else, your statement: 'But he was supposed to let me free to move on and find a future for myself ...' implies he is in full control and you are helpless.
Regardless of whether or not this relationship has any hope to continue, take control of yourself... for your own self worth, health and happiness.
Are these self-worth issues a result of treatment by him?
While he implies wanting to delay until older, you are both over 21 so, how old is old enough? You are now adults and don't need anyone else to give permission to establish a relationship, or to at least talk in-person.
He appears to be postponing any commitment to either move forward or to end the relationship, giving you a false hope of a potential future with him.
Find someone who is worthy of your love and is proud to be in a relationship with you.
My two cents' worth - cut your losses and move ahead with your life. I read others' posts here about him possibly fading and leaving this religion (cult). Even if he were to do that, there are no guarantees that he wouldn't choose to go back into it sometime down the road. Even though my husband had left the JWs years before I met him, he chose to rejoin 8 years after we were married, and took me with him :( He often said that "you can leave the truth, but the truth never really leaves you." He also said that when he met me he thought "here's a nice lady who is caring and kind and doesn't smoke or drink or swear - she'd make a great JW wife". That creeps me out now! In other words, he had a plan - maybe not consciously.
If the future I was contemplating had been spelled out to me like it's been spelled out to you in these posts, I'd have run for the hills. I'm making good on my promise to myself to leave this religion and I'm very proud of myself for the steps I've taken, but it's a hard hard road! It may very well mean the end of my 22 year marriage. The divide is so great now - I long for an authentically lived life again.
So, my dear, save yourself a whole lot of pain and cut yourself away. It will be painful now, but you can do it. You will be saving yourself from a much greater pain in the future. Keeping telling yourself that.
That's more than two cents' worth. I'm notorious for not taking other people's advice so I understand if you don't listen, but just know that the good people on this forum are always here for you.
LisaRose's post above ^^^ summed it up well.
I hope you heed the advice here. Remember........YOU came here seeking it.
Good luck with the rest of your life!......................DOC