If you want to learn the software in the shortest possible time, you need to have some sort of structured learning environment.
Teeyuck's suggestion - Video Professor is a GREAT PLACE TO START because they have that FREE offer. I would suggest you start with Word.
After you've worked through the Video Professor program, you'll be able to decide if you want to try their other programs or if you want to sign up for some classes at a local Community College. You will have the baisc terminology down pat, and the classes will probably be challenging but fun.
Another route you might want to look into is ON-LINE training. The University of Phoenix offers classes, and I think Bellevue Community College also offers "remote learning." I don't know if they have exactly what you're looking for, but it is something that you can check out in minutes while you're on-line.
U of Phoenix: http://onl.uophx.edu/
Bellevue Community College: http://distance-ed.bcc.ctc.edu/
Another possibility is BRAINBENCH. Breainbench is a company that primarily offers independant on-line certification testing, but they also offer some instructional material. Again, I'll leave it to you to see if what they offer is what you want. They are at http://www.brainbench.com/xml/bb/individuals/measuredevelop.xml
YOU CAN DO THIS, JES!!
You will be surprised to find that the skills you learn will "spill over" into other areas of you life, to your benefit.