Three latest....opinions please

by SheilaM 14 Replies latest jw friends

  • SheilaM
    SheilaM

    This is the poem I wrote about my fear of my son going into the military.

    My Fear

    It should feel soft as silk,

    My fingers rake over the field of midnight blue and white

    And yet

    Feeling warm life’s blood under their tips

    Or is it just the dampness my tears

    And the raindrops make.

    Cloth triangle

    A Symbol

    BANG, BANG, BANG

    Shots fired by seven guns in unison

    My ears ring, my head spins.

    Seeing through veiled eyes

    Roses, Lilies

    And

    Carnations in a display red, white and blue.

    Aroma cloying sickening me

    The site of them rips out my soul

    Me, who always loved flowers,

    Will now only see them

    At this time,

    In this way.

    Blackness surrounds me

    Engulfs me

    Crepe, wool, polyester, linen, cashmere

    A representation of the occasion.

    Salty tears

    Stream down

    Dripping off my chin

    Dark rectangle symmetrical

    Walls of crumbly soil

    Smaller rectangle draped, suspended over it

    New, shiny, mahogany I believe

    It’s first and only début

    This is my latest poem about my family.

    Jagged pieces'

    Guilt tripping,

    Tragedy Vampires

    Each Having

    Clear

    Specific expectations of me

    I come away.

    Not a whole complete person

    Instead I am shredded

    into Jagged pieces.

    As if they had taken what I was,

    and ripped me apart.

    I then spend months,

    Trying to reassemble vestiges

    of what I was before.

    This I wrote about my childhood

    Lilacs and Marshmallow’s

    Running as swiftly as only a three year old can,

    Down the flight of cement steps.

    Past mutli-colored zinnias.

    Stumbling over my burgundy “clodhopper’s”,

    Lace’s flapping.

    Breathing heavy with my asthmatic lungs.

    Racing past my aqua blue and white swing-set,

    Tears blur the colors to my eye.

    Then I am at my destination,

    The smell of lilacs envelops the white house.

    Mrs. Miller sits in her white front porch swing.

    I don’t stop for cordial welcomes,

    Instead, I speed through the screen door,

    It squeaks my arrival.

    She follows me and I wrap my chubby arms around her waist

    And

    Bury my face in her apron.

    She lifts my chin with her finger and wipes my tears.

    She had heard my Mother’s threat

    “Sheila I’m gonna whip you”

    She shoo’s me under the large round oak table,

    Her wrinkled hands offer me Kraft Marshmallows out of a crystal candy dish,

    Blue eyes twinkling she puts her finger to her lips to tell me to hush my sobbing.

    I hear her go out on the porch and the swishing of the porch swing

    Suddenly I hear my Mother’s voice, loud, harsh, angry

    Then Mrs. Millers calm sweet, angelic

    Saying, “now Hazel you don’t wanna beat that baby”

    While I watch the sun play a game of peek-a-boo with the lace.

  • berylblue
    berylblue

    Oh, wow, Sheila. Beautiful, eloquent, poignant, painful.

    These were outstanding.

    Rosemarie

  • SheilaM
    SheilaM

    BerlyBlue: Thank you so much

  • jgnat
    jgnat

    Each deal with one emotion, which I think is good for poems, right? And I think I felt a bit of what you felt in each one. My favorite is the Lilacs and Marshmallows. I thought I would give a shot at specific comments. Please take these as constructive, not critical. I can't do what you do. A poet I am not.

    I wonder if description could be tightened up in spots.

    In My Fear, everything is shiny and presentable except for the crumbling earth and death, which simply heightens the irony. How we do try to cover the awfulness of death.

    New shiny mahogany I believe It’s first and only début

    how about something like

    Shiny mahogany or rich mahogany or rich, shiny mahogany or glorious, rich mahogany (new can be inferred)
    on display just this once, it's first and only showing, in view for this short, short time (sigh. I don't like any of my suggestions. I just found debut a little forced, first and only a bit conversational rather than poetic.)

    I like how Jagged pieces skeets across the page. Much how a fractured person must feel sometimes.

    Guilt tripping,

    Tragedy Vampires (could you use something other than cliches to describe what they DID to you? Can you describe by actions, body language? Screaming, shoving, cooly rejecting, )

    Each Having

    Clear

    Specific expectations of me.(clear but conflicting, right? Pulling you in different directions. Again, could it be described by specific actions or events?)

  • SheilaM
    SheilaM

    Jgnat:

    Thanks for your comments. I appreciate your view point.

    In Jagged Pieces I use cliches because that is how my family deals with things. LOL also Tragedy Vampires is what Thunder calls them LOL

  • jgnat
    jgnat

    OK, then pump up the cliches. How about five or six? LOL. I've got Tragedy Vampires in my family tree too.

  • SheilaM
    SheilaM

    Jgnat: LOL Mine are so bad that when my Mom was cognizant she would call and if things were good she would say "Oh, well then I will let you go" LOL I would say "Momma, I'm sorry to disappoint you if anything tragic happens I'll call you right away".

  • pr_capone
    pr_capone

    Sheila - Hello dear. I just wanted to let you know that the first one you posted touched me quite a bit. As you know I am also going in. I'm sure your son will do well in the military and he will be just fine.

    What branch is he going into? Rank? What is his M.O.S (job) ?

    PFC Granell U.S. Army

  • SheilaM
    SheilaM

    PR:

    Thank you, I made him cry he wouldn't finish reading it LOL These are the three my teacher is submitting to have published and I'm supposed to present it at some function in fall.

    Anthony will be in the Marines -he is supposed to be in infantry and is trying for the special forces not sure of rank.

  • Big Tex
    Big Tex
    Tragedy Vampires

    A simple phrase that says a lot. Good work Sheila! You say "published", published where? Are you going to have your own poetry book?

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