I hate my Grandaughter's father!

by Thunder Rider 19 Replies latest jw friends

  • Thunder Rider
    Thunder Rider


    I have a bit of a dilema. Years ago a young man began to pursue a relationship with my daughter. I did everything I could to discourage it. I was rude, threatening and must have hung up on him a hundred times. I wanted the best for my daughter. She wanted to go to colledge and become a teacher. It was her dream from childhood all through high school. She asked if she could date him. I refused the first dozen requests. When they both persisted in asking, Sheila and I had the boy come to the house to meet us. I sat in my easy chair sharpening a sword as my daughter and her "friend" sat on the couch accross from us. I grilled him up one side and down the other. I asked him his feelings about pre-marital sex and what his intentions were towards my daughter. Every answer was preceeded and followed by "sir" or "mam". He seemed the "nicest guy in the world.

    They began to date on Saturday afternoons first and after a while they were allowed to date in the evening with a 12:00 curfew. Things went fine for a while they had their share of fights and so forth. I figured when she went to college things would level out. My daughter moved out her senior year and became very rude and defensive to her mother and I. It wasn't too long after that we found out she was pregnant.

    I was furious and wanted to hunt him down and kill him. It took time for me to adjust to the situation. I kept my anger to myself to spare my daughter any more stress. You see they were no longer together. Eventually they got back together and talked of marriage. They got an apartment and began to make a home for them and the coming child.

    When she arrived the world seemed a more wonderous place to me and I immediately fell in love with her. I lost my feelings of anger towards her father and welcomed him into the family. He shared Thanksgiving and Christmas with us.Then we found out he has anothe rkid with another girl in another city. It wasn't long after that I found out that he had been seeing other girls behind my daughters back. She found photographs of him in rather disgusting situations with another girl. My daughter confronted h im and things went all to hell. She threw him out and was left alone to raise the baby. Sheila and I did all we could to comfort and supoort her. Watching your daughter suffer a broken heart is painfull.

    Needless to say I wanted to kill the bastard again. It has been months now and my daughter has lost all her baby weight, she looks loke a model again, and the son of a bitch is sniffing around again. She says he is a good dad. I say good dads don't screw around on their baby's mothers. I want nothing to do with the jerk.

    Everytime I voice my opinion of him I get crap from both my daughter and my wife. I want her to have the best, and not settle for the convenient. He's proven himself to be a loser and he needs to be treated like one. I have gone through too much crap in my life. I have no more capacity for forgiving this guy, and I don't feel I should be pressured to forgive him or to keep my opinions to myself. Sheila and I don't argue much but this is causing some serious friction.

    I would appreciate your input.


  • Scully

    Well, Papa Bear.... I mean Thunder.... You are just doing what Papa Bears and Mama Bears do, namely, protect their young.

    Perhaps you and Sheila should consult with a lawyer on your daughter and grand-daughter's behalf, to ensure that Mr. Wild Oats knows what his legal and financial responsibilities toward them are. Better make sure you're first in line for it too, if he's got other children from other relationships, because there's only so much of himself he can spread around. As much as he'd like to believe otherwise.

    Once he realizes that he's being sued for child support (until your grand-daughter is 18) I would imagine he will either decide to commit to being a good partner and father, or he'll (more than likely) drop your daughter and his own child like a hot potato. She needs to see his true colours, and this is one way of bringing them out.

    Good luck!

    Love, Scully

  • searchfothetruth


    I really feel for, it must be so frustrating! I have a couple of daughters and I am dreading that time when they are dating.

    What your going through is every fathers nightmare regarding a daughter. Hope your daughter realises and dumps the bastard for good and finds herself a man just like her dad.



  • gumby

    Thunder Rider,

    Indeed there are a lot of assholes out there and she seems to have found one.He has another kid, screwing around on your daughter, .........sounds like an asshole.

    It's really hard though to judge someone we don't know and give advise. After being screwed by religion/dubs/family, I too , like yourself, am not good at putting up with shit from shitgivers.

    He may be a guy who has simply blew it, is sorry, and loves your daughter, and will end up being a good dad/husband. Or.......he may be an asshole who needs to hit the frickin road!

    I liked scully's idea. See what he is made of.


    remember your arm is as big as my leg........so don't hit the guy. I hate corresponding to friends in jail


  • ashitaka

    Don't push too hard, you end up pushing the person you want to help, right into the arms of the offender. Just be supportive and be subtle about getting this guy out of her life. Hire a private detective. Make sure this scumbag KNOWS he's being watched, and then enjoy the fireworks when he gets caught again for not having the decency to stay with the mother of his child. THEN get the court order for child support, and maybe then your daughter will see you've been right all along.

    This guy sounds like a class act manipulater, who deserves to get some legal comeuppance from a loving dad with an iron first for losers.

    Good luck.


  • JT
    Everytime I voice my opinion of him I get crap from both my daughter

    until this changes, you are very limited in what you can do- your daughter is much like a jw who has been shown all the proof, facts, evidence, and documentation showing how bad the wt is to them and for them- and yet as you know many many times such a person armed with all that info will still decide to HANG ON TO WT

    well your daughter is much the same way all the facts, proof, evidence, etc of him not being a "good" man means nothing to her- she like we have seen jw do here on this site all the time- will attempt to rationlize WHY IT IS STILL GOOD FOR THEM TO STAY-

    while i have never had a daughter the basic mindset is the same and the response from you has to be pretty much the same as if you were dealing with a person involving jw issues

    until THE PERSON is ready to act on the information, all you can do is be supportative- and hopefully one day she will realize what she has done,

    i know jw i tried to talk to years agon when we left and now they realize what we were saying they feel so bad, but at the time they wanted to hear nothing that we had to say, and now they are so pissesd off with all the time they wasted-

    so just hang in there and keep in mind you can't do anything unless she is willing to let you

    hang tight my man

  • xjw_b12

    Thunder. Tough situation, all around.

    Good advice from Scully and ash, re the child support. Very important, but don't be surprised if you are at the bottom of a very long list. My sister, has just terminated a relationship, and when it came time to divy up the proceeds, from the sale of the house, this guy had a list of creditors, as long as your arm, plus child and family support agencies from previous relationships.

    Re the friction between you and Sheila. I hear you on that one. I tend to be be the " tough guy " with our 13 year daughter, ( as I was with our oldest daughter, now 23 ) and it causes grief, between both her and myself and her mother CJ and myself. CJ takes a "kindler, gentler "aproach, though sometimes I tend to be the calmer one. Kinda like " Good Cop, Bad Cop ". But it is tough, especially when it causes bad feelings between you and the missus. Hang in there. Keep tough, but try not to push them away.

  • jgnat

    You are not going to like what I have to say. Your daughter is a grown woman, so she shares some of the blame for playing this on-again off-again game with this man. She picked him, and keeps picking him.

    The police dread domestic disturbance calls more than any other. When they step in to arrest the 'bad guy', sometimes the victim will turn on them! The good guys! Come to charge the 'precious, darling' bad guy who 'never meant to hurt nobody' with a crime!

    Thunder, even if it means grinding your teeth to dust, do not run in to rescue a girl who does not want to be rescued. She could turn on you. Instead, concentrate on helping your daughter see where her thinking is twisted. Don't tell her this outright, ask probing questions. Help her to think. Take it slow. Follow your wife's lead on this one.

    My dad knew my first husband was a waste of planet space. He had ground his teeth to dust before I woke up and walked away. Even so, he was my dad, and when push came to shove there were things he just would not do. Like, he refused to sign the papers so that I could marry underage. I was furious with him at the time, but I respect him now for his stand. So, even though you cannot force these lovebirds apart, you can refuse to support something you just know in your heart of hearts is wrong.

  • Francois

    Dear Thunder,

    I did some counseling for awhile at a battered women's clinic. It was an eye-opening experience. It went like this:

    A. Woman comes in all black & blue carrying a baby or two. Husband did it.

    B. Two months later, the husband has tracked the woman down and comes to see his wife. He's got flowers. He's got candy. He's got cards. He's got tears. He's got promises.

    C. The woman may play hard to get for awhile, but eventually she goes back with him.

    D. Several months later, same woman from step A, above, comes back in. This time she's more battered than she was in the first place.

    E. Repeat steps B through D about six times, or until woman is dead.

    And I'm not kidding. It's as predictable as the sun coming up.

    Recommend you go to half.com or to your local library and get a copy of Susan Forward's book, "Men Who Hate Women and The Women Who Love Them."

    It's an eye-opener and will help you to understand and may help your daughter and Sheila to understand what you've got on your hands. It ain't pretty.

    Good luck, man.


  • freedom96


    I feel for you, and agree 100 % about your feelings towards this guy. Tough situation, to say the least. I imagine I would have done much of what you did, and I would scare the crap out of him doing whatever it takes.

    I would never give this guy the time of day.

Share this