I feel that my whole life growing up was a lie. I feel cheated. I feel robbed. I was forced into a mold into which I could not fit, and I feel chronically injured as a result. I have trouble functioning in the world. It is getting easier than it was, but it has taken a lot of work. It is a lonely life. Few around me understand what I, what we, have been through. Few can appreciate the horror. Few can understand the pain.
We are the pioneers. We are the trailblazers. In each family there are black sheep who see the blackness; have dark shadows of doubts. We are the first to see there is no sense in nonsense; no order to the random lies.
As a punishment my entire family has been taken from me. It's like a Grimm fairy tale. My family has been placed under an evil spell and there is no way for me to wake them up. There is no way to get them to see reason or accept reality. They are in a dream world and have been all their lives. I was the only one to wake up and as a result, I am outcast. As apart from their world am I as night is from day, as dream is from consciousness. In my dreams only they exist. I awaken and they disappear, like shadowy wraiths that fade into wisps.
They said they loved me, but it was all a lie. It wasn't true love. True love doesn't behave as indecently as this. It is not something you turn on or off conditionally. Tough love? "You want love? Tough!"
It has been so long now I wonder did I ever know them? Were they real? Or did I imagine it all. If I did, I must be demented to invent such a terrible life.
Just when I think I have moved beyond their reach, tendrils of memories yank me back.
"Our lives are not our own but in the possession of others, our parents. Our lives are defined by the whims, caprices, cruelties of others. That genetic web, the ties of blood. It was the oldest curse, older than God. Am I loved? Am I wanted? Who will want me, if my parents don't? "
-- Joyce Carol Oates, We Were the Mulvaneys
How can we escape them? Like birds taking wing we can fly, but eventually, inevitably we must return to earth.
As you wait in the darkness for wings to set you free,
You are bound by your silent legacy. "
-- Melissa Etheridge