Stranger in my own house, Since my wife and i don't talk much anymore nor sleep in the same bed. i feel like a stranger. (page 6)

Olivia Wilde

GTTM: Soo sorry you are going thru this and I will pray for you.... You say your wife never was one to express feelings and emotions very well but I can assure you she feels it inside. Remember she associates this religion with all the dynamics you as a husband should be, perhaps in her mind she feels like you abandon her... As a woman myself especially around/within a religion were dictates the dynamics of your marriage & family life and all of a sudden my partner in life is no longer there (just viewing it in her shoes) I would feel like I have no more support system especially spiritual, which this religion, ingrains in JWs, remember she views everything as JWs in what a "spiritual husband" should do in all aspects of your family life. You need to show her that your beliefs are separate from your love, morals and care as a Man, Husband and Father.... You need to demonstrate to her that no matter what you believe YOUR LOVE FOR HER and the person you are INSIDE DOES NOT change, actually you can demonstrate her that it makes you even a better husband & family man.

Remember in her eyes everything is connected to this religion, so you need to demonstrate that it is not connected and it doesn't change the wonderful husband you are. That being said, go back to the room with her and sleep in the same bed, cuddle with her, demonstrate your affection, even me as angry I have been with my husband due to an argument if he hugs me I can't resist.... and when you see her around the house give her kisses on the check and as you passby eachother touch her arm, waist-human contact.... and at times if she is standing preparing dinner or whatever, grab her by the hand, bring her close to you and say I am stealing a kiss from you and give her a kiss. Believe me every woman love men in love with her. Then on one night she doesn't have mts or JWs things ( so she doesn't think you are planning things on days of mtgs and being a "stumbling block" in her mind), surprise her with a romantic dinner at a nice restaurant, have plan what you want to discuss with her, NON JW things, and express to her when you first met and why you feel in love with her and tell her any funny moments you guys experience together when you were dating or early in your marriage, or when your kiddos growing up did funny things or cutie things.... believe me if you start taking steps of demonstrating her love she will see your efforts (she may or may not tell you but she will notice" and she will come to terms of just being in a marriage with an unbelieving mate and she still would have to be a submissive wife and contribute to the peace of the home and your marriage,... bring her a flower one day out of the blue and just say "just because it's Wednesday and giving one flower to another flower".... Not be easy but patience and time on your part you will have a better understanding and then at least you are doing your part. Hope everything goes well.

TD

-If only human nature worked that way.....

lrkr

I'm sorry for your pain. I can't even imagine.

My 2 cents- start with you and her- no religion, no tablets, no nothing. Tell her how much she means to you, how much you want to be together, etc. Be romantic and try to woo her like before you were dating. But be honest and let her know that your love is independent of the jws. And you cannot be dishonest with yourself about how you feel about them.

Try to connect with her on a human level without all of the cult overhead.

Or open the safe deposit box...

Sorry again for your pain. And forgive me for assuming anything. I'm sure you've tried everything.

under the radar

I agree with everyone else who said to play the headship card.

YOU take the bedroom and tell her to sleep on the couch herself until she is ready to obey the scripture that forbids withholding the "marital due." This specifically applies to even an "unbelieving" mate.

SHE is acting unscripturally on at least two counts: not respecting your headship by "forcing" you from your rightful bedroom, and by unjustifiably withholding the "marital due."

StarTrekAngel

This is where sometimes we fail to see that this was never about the bible. The bible is just a tool. Is read and applied when convenient to the org. When is not, the bible is out the window and the headership principle no longer applies. When you are a spiritual man, you must affirm your place as the head of the house... in other words, you are responsible for heading the indoctrination train. If you are out, you spouse in spiritual danger and she must ignore your advice because it goes against the holy teachings.

out4good4

If you are out, you spouse in spiritual danger and she must ignore your advice because it goes against the holy teachings.

That is a mighty fine line she'll have to walk, especially if he's the family breadwinner.

If her new spiritual leaders expect to exercise that much authority over her and she acquiese's to their authority unquestioningly, then I believe that they not only should be willing to take on her expenses as well, but, in fact, she should expect them to.

Though, we know, that there is a better chance of her being able to breath air in space than that happening.

In a veiled sense, intimated this hierarchical principle to my wife years ago who hasn't had to hold a job in the past 20 years. She got the message....CLEARLY. She knew exactly what side of her bread held the butter.

Too many times I see JWs bend over ass backwards trying to follow some stupid JW rule or principle in an effort to look good in the congregation and keep pace with the organization, yet offload the expenses of all their decisions to someone else and expect for them to be paid for.

I've observed over the years that the WT organization does this in a big way.

StarTrekAngel

Is their model of operation at HQ. One way or another the same model will be present at the lower levels of the pyramid.

Stealth

GTTM: i will not fight for someone who is not willing to fight for me. why?

life is to short....many on here know this.

there are 2 things i want right now in my life.

1. to be happy

2. to be cult free

GTTM

I felt exactly the same way that you do now in 2001, when my wife acted out much the same way. She started throwing around the leaving and divorce threats and I told her she best not say that anymore unless she really means it because the next time she does, i'm leaving. Why? Because just like you, I came to the realization that life is to short to remain in this type of relationship and never be happy. While we did divorce, it was all worth it in the end because today I am cult free and happy. Hope it all works out for the best.

TD

When is not, the bible is out the window and the headship principle no longer applies

I could not agree more. "Headship" is simply an excuse to pile responsibility on the shoulders of JW males, but it goes out the window the instant they quit towing the party line.

I think the issue is similar even without the JW "headship" thing.

Ultimately, we are treated the way we train others to treat us.

And this seems to be a very hard lesson for xJW's to learn for some reason.

Just as a general observation, I understand how romantic the idea of flowers, soft music and quiet restaurants sounds, (Because I'm a hopeless romantic myself..) Rewarding someone for treating you like crap might placate them temporarily, but it only breeds contempt farther down the road because the message is all too clear.

Mrs.goingthruthemotions probably needs some time (And maybe some gentle help) to understand that fence straddling is not going to be tolerated. If (And only if) she decides the marriage is worth saving, let the wooing begin.

gingerbread

It sucks.

I spent the last two years (out of 15 years) on the couch. My first wife was also passive aggressive (and abusive and violent). After years of shepherding calls to get a handle on the problems (I always came out as the bad guy), she filed for divorce. No grounds. The local body of elders said she could file if she "thought" I ever had an affair (she was always accusing me of that). Not.

The evening of our divorce she and her 'friend' announced their engagement. A month later they were married (he's an elder) by another local elder. No prob!

Our now grown children have nothing to do with her. The last time I saw her she was an overweight, old looking, broke JW.

Sometimes it's best to move on. It's worked out great for me. It was very painful but now many years later it's a distant memory. And I'm happier than ever!

Gingerbread

Stranger in my own house, Since my wife and i don't talk much anymore nor sleep in the same bed. i feel like a stranger.

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