My fade might well start today.

by StarTrekAngel 29 Replies latest watchtower bible

  • StarTrekAngel

    Many here whom have read my previous posts know more or less my situation. Wife is not hardcore but we still bump heads from time to time. If it wasn't for this cult, and while it was not an issue, we had an almost perfect marriage. Almost 17 years of honeymoon. I grew frustrated of our constant disagreement, I began to fill the picture of what the WT wishes to put on all apostates. Angry, disgruntled, started spilling into work. I went to look for help with a therapist. After a couple of sessions, she came along with me yesterday.

    The therapist I picked claims to have a background in spirituality, so I figure that would be a good thing, since I have no agenda. If my wife chooses to still believe in the promises of the WT that is ok. Such does not actually mean supporting the organization thru other means (financial, time, preaching, etc). This therapist will be more likely to respect belief without necessarily taking a bias. But more than anything, I was trying to find ways to cope with the slow process of disagreeing on such fundamentalist belief. For those who have read or participated in my previous threads (specially regarding respect for the belief of others, please understand the context of my previous post. I am talking about a family relationship here, not an opinion forum).

    Well, to my dismay, I feel the therapist made a whole 180 degree turn on me. The first two sessions I was there alone. We discussed the cult and the basis for our disagreement. He claims not to be all that familiar with JWs but admits having worked with some in the past and also admits that the believing partner seldomly accepts to participate (because of the WT advice against worldly advice). We discussed the reason of my awakening and the reasoning that proof the lies and deception spread by the org. We briefly discussed my wive's upbringing and the family issues and traditions. I warned him that my wife will say that she has already proposed to disagree and that she will respect my decision to part from the org but that at the same time she will refuse to accept there will be consequences. She thinks some of the consequences suffered by other ex-members only apply to their personal situation or their bitterness. In a nutshell, our story will be different from that of others. She feels very much capable of distinguishing the bad from the good. If the elders ever attempt to stick their nose into it, she will notice and take action. I am not so sure of that.

    Fast forward to yesterday, the described above happened to the letter. I am almost feeling like she preached to him and he almost listened. Not that he will be a convert, no, no where near that. But despite my previous warnings to him regarding the loaded language and its twisted meaning, her speech sounded to him like I have nothing to worry about.

    At the end, we agreed to disagree.... for now that is. She explained to him that nothing tied me to the org, not even her. That she won't look or treat me any different if I decided to quit and I did not have to even admit to the reasons. She told him I could write a letter or not. That some people simply fade out. Funny side note, right after we stepped out, she bought a lottery ticket.

    This might well be the beginning of the end. I am not sure on how to approach it. I can not conceive the idea of staying home while my kids (two girls ages 12 and 7) are getting indoctrinated weekly. I need to stay on top of what they are being told and I need to shield them from the starving pioneers that, in a need of hours, will look at them like orphans and try to start a study with them. They have already made the attempt once, even with me present and in a seemingly good spiritual health. What can I expect now?

  • whathappened
    Since your wife has agreed to disagree, that is a good start. Do keep a firm interest on your children so they do not get indoctrinated into this dangerous cult.
  • cognac

    One thing I've noticed with me is that words and actions of my kids father were completely different.

    Start taking notes of the actual actions.

    For example, guilt trips over not going to meetings, whatever.

    Instead of going over feelings so much with the therapist, go into examples of what is going on.

    You just started therapy. I'd give it a bit more time before throwing in the towel...

  • OneEyedJoe

    So sorry it's going this way for you. Especially with kids in the mix, it's tough.

    You can help your daughters to learn to question things, and you'll probably have better luck with that if you're out of the cult. Maybe you can reach a compromise wherein they stay at home with you for half the meetings? That would probably be more than enough to help them see daylight and want out. Or maybe insist that it be their choice as they get to the age where they can decide for themselves.

    Your situation may be, in some ways, too early for the couple's therapy to really be helpful. After you've left the cult maybe you can get her to go back to deal with whatever problems arise. That way you'll be working on "what is" rather than "what may be" and that's always a much more productive conversation.

    Good luck to you. The good news is that your being out will give your children an anchor to be able to escape themselves. With most kids leaving the cult eventually, having one parent that's out increases the chances by a huge factor.

  • cognac
    Do the kids even want to go?
  • cognac

    It was always the rule in our house that since there was a disagreement between us, it would be left up to the kids to decide if they want to go.

    Theres been times when my older daughter (6 years old) has wanted to go. It's always been their choice and I've respected that.

    They no longer want to go and their dad respects that.

    Maybe it's crazy to leave that up to the kids but it's worked for us. Keeps the peace and it's taught our kids to use their critical thinking abilities. I've seen my older one weigh different things in her mind many times and come to very thoughtful, mature decisions.

  • Aprostate Exam
    Aprostate Exam

    If she bought a lottery ticket right after. She is probably thinking, "I have to win this money to leave this spiritual looser!" Sorry my brother, but I have often heard women talk about winning the lottery with the focus on leaving the husband. Hang in there man, I feel for you man.


  • cognac
    Aprostate - I took that to mean she was trying to extend him an olive branch. Like she was trying to meet him halfway in his thinking and that she was "normal"...
  • Tornintwo

    Sorry therapy did not go as you thought it would, but bear in mind that most therapists try to gain the trust of their clients in the early sessions and hold back from challenging their views until that trust is established.

    with regard to the children, I've noticed a lot of posters saying once they were out their children followed suit, that's been the case with my teenage daughter who until recently appeared to be very enthusiastic about the religion. After all, most kids just want to fit in and be accepted, given the choice between being 'normal' with birthday parties, Xmas etc, freedom to choose friends and sleep in at the weekend, compared to life as a jw, most will choose the normal option. (It seems harder when the kids are older in their 20s and have gone through all the pier pressure stuff and committed to the org, married a dub etc.. ) Don't bad mouth the wt or your wife but try to make it appealing to stay home with you.

    You sound like you have a good marriage and she's not overly committed to the org, so when your show her you can be a good husband and have fun together with you out of the organisation, her attendance might well die off naturally. A lot of people find it hard to make a vocal 'decision' because of the guilt but drifting away might be the easy option for her, you could look happy and relaxed with a glass of wine in hand when she comes in tired after a meeting. Why not start fading if your hearts not in it? I've faded fast and the elders haven't bothered me.

  • Oubliette

    STA, This religion destroys families.

    I wish you well in a very difficult situation.

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