A question for the shunned re: hide or seek

by dubstepped 15 Replies latest jw experiences

  • stuckinarut2

    The reality is, friendships are "conditional", not "unconditional in 'witness world'.

    Would we have formed these relationships in the real world? Do we REALLY have anything that draws us into a friendship with most from the congs?

    (Ok, different for family members I realise)

    Very FEW of those friends are REAL friends....so don't expect anything from them now that the only thing you had in common is gone.

    But, yes, I agree...don't be any different. Show that you don't have the problem, THE ORG does, or THEY do. Somewhere in their minds, they will be doing mental gymnastics trying to reconcile how you are actually a nice person, when they are being told that you are supposedly some evil mentally diseased person....

  • Sabin

    @karios, that is sad but so true. the only time we ever saw them was when they want something I cant think off one genuine friendship between any of them.

    @Maksutov, I agree with what you say, it`s just validating their behaviour.

    @Dubstepped, If it was me I would choose to NOT send anything as hard as that may be, you will not change their perspective on the situation. You are wrong they are right, you will make yourselves the topic of gossip in the kingdom hall as they will proudly let every-one know that your sending things & it`s cause your either ashamed or you have no respect for Jah. You cant win mate, so do what you want to.

  • Mary J Blige
    Mary J Blige

    The higher ground has no meaning to me. In that, I agree with Sabin - they will twist your contact as guilty conscience and regretful of your decision. Or those they confide in will gossip and speculate.

    As long as you still send cards, you still have that negative association and link to the bOrg. Like a millstone.

    If they wake up, they will soon track you down. They will accept their part in all of this and not hold a grudge, because you were allowing them the freedom to follow through with their doctrines. They will not resent you or resent the years of no cards when it was only ever going to be one way traffic.

  • pbrow

    Do not allow their actions to change yours. If you are compelled by your own personal desire to include them in cards/anniversary and such then do that, if you are not compelled, do not.

    Guess what? Its your life now, you can live by the dictates of YOUR conscience.... no one elses.


  • dubstepped

    @ Sabin and @ Mary J Blige - I have to say that although I liked the other posts here, your two posts really hit me. I think that the farther I get from the cult the less I remember how I would have felt if I was still in and someone sent me letters or cards or whatever. You're very correct in your assessment as to how they will likely be received, especially that part about them seeing it as me being sorry for my choices. I remember them twisting things I did even before I DA'ed to fit the story they've all been given. They have a narrative provided to them that explains the actions of everyone, including those that leave the Borg. Everything we do will be viewed within that framework. It really is a losing battle, and honestly I don't want to get sucked back into that toxic world at all.

    I actually shunned my brother for many years and reconnected with him on my own last year. He never sent me cards or anything and it made no difference. It was up to me to see the error of my shunning ways and to reach out to him, which I did. You two are right. There's no use in sending anything with any hopes, and the reality is that our family was not really close anyway. Very dysfunctional even on the best of days. I've always been an optimist, hoping that my family would turn out to be close and loving and it was just never in the cards no matter how hard I tried to get us together and to be family. It has led me to getting back into dealings that I shouldn't have and I've been burned more than once. I appreciate what everyone said, but you two said what I personally needed to hear with my circumstances and history.

  • Aprostate Exam
    Aprostate Exam

    I outed myself to my fanatic mother and faded. She regarded me as DA'ed but never outed me. She exhibited her shunning and I proceeded to tell her that I would never ever bother her again. She held her ground and I stood mine. The love of my wife and children got me through it. Years later she texted me that she loved me, and allowed herself to be a mother again. Although dry and disconnected as she always was, she is now back and takes some interest in us. What really pisses me off is that she is still on her "donate everything to the WT when she is gone"plan..

    Starving them of our presence and attention won my war. No calls, texts, visits, and when we accidentally bumped into them, we avoided them.

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