A question for the shunned re: hide or seek

by dubstepped 15 Replies latest jw experiences

  • dubstepped
    So here's my question as a newly DAed person that is summarily shunned. Do you hide from family and act like you don't exist or do you let them know you're still here and seek them out? They want you to be dead, like you no longer exist, because strict avoidance makes it easier on them. My wife and I are trying to decide what to do. Should we still send cards for anniversaries and such? We want to take the high road here, to show them that THEY are the ones making a change because JWs blame the victim of their shunning. I want them to see that we're still here and that we're the bigger people while they're being petty. On the other hand, I don't want to psychologically torment cult victims who don't know how screwed up they are. What do you do? Just disappear into the night as if you never were, or let them know that you still are?
  • out4good4

    It's been said here many times that the best revenge is living a well fulfilled life post-deassimilation.

    That's what I do.

  • FayeDunaway
    Yes, send them cards, even gifts, and include lots of current happy pictures of you guys! And have children if you don't already if possible, so you can create your own family. And if you do, send pics of the kids living happy normal lives!! And take pictures of yourselves enjoying many adventures. Send it all to them!! Do not just disappear, let them see how 'horrible and depressing' your lives are without their cult.
  • DesirousOfChange

    We're not DA/DF, but occasionally feel "avoided" in public places (shunned is maybe too strong, at this point), but I make it a point to not act like anything has changed. It hasn't. We just don't go to their Koolaid Klutches anymore.

    If I was DA/DF, I would not change my actions. I don't subscribe to their rules anymore.


  • Peony

    Hi Dubstepped

    We DA'd in March and decided that it is not us that has changed so we sent an anniversary card to my husbands parents, of course on our anniversary we received nothing! We did feel though that we had the higher ground. I understand you not wanting to cause upset (it was something we worried about too) ultimately they are being told that shunning is right and as long as they have no contact they will think doing the 'right thing' is not so bad. We want to remind them that we are still here, it might not be easy for them but it also might help them wake up. We decided to always write 'we are always here for you' on everything we send. A friend of ours who left JW's and was an elder at the time left because he shunned someone face to face and felt so bad about it. Those still in may be mind controlled but they are still human and if faced with having to shun or not reply to cards etc we can hope the human side will win. Xx

  • kairos

    They for the most part, most JWs were never really interested in being my friend.
    Token handshakes and "how are you's" are not evidence of "love among yourselves".
    Most of the calls or visits away from the KH that I ever received were when someone needed something or wanted me to fill in last minute on some part.

    People loved to borrow my tools, car trailers and my time.
    They convinced me that we were friends.

    After fading for nearly two years, I realized that I was already shunned by near everyone.
    They would get uncomfortable when seeing me in a store or somewhere public.
    My wife's sisters were about the only hold-out JWs that would speak to me or come visit in our home. Now it's all over.

    Now, after being DF'd for about 20 days, I realize fully that it was all just an illusion of "friendship" and "association". No substance. We had "Jehovah" in common.
    ( that means we agreed to follow the GB and live our lives by their rules )

    Very sad realization.

    So glad to be out. Got my life back.

  • maksutov
    I think the people who are shunning me (parent and in-laws) would say hello to me if they saw me, but will not associate with me. If I gave them any attention, they would love it - it would validate their behaviour, as they would think I was fine with it. I'm not. So I don't. I won't have anything to do with them UNLESS they agree to treat me as a normal son/son-in-law.
  • Crazyguy
    The ass holes at my hall stopped calling and would have nothing g to do with me after I quit while learning some ttatt, thanks to all the gossip. Yet they sure don't mind borrowing things from me through my wife of course. In fact one has had my car for three months while their car is being rebuilt. Also haven't got my tile saw back and I know I have lost lawn tools that have gone to the kh and not been returned.
  • LongHairGal


    Yes, the friendships in the Witness religion are conditional and mostly shallow and superficial. I couldn't stand being around them.

    Glad you got on with your life. Now you can make real friends!


    I assume your wife is still "in" but can't you put your foot down???..... These idiots who criticize people with full-time jobs would never be using MY stuff!

    A few years before I started my "fade", I made sure I got back exercise equipment I gave to JWs in a moment of insanity when I believed it was a brotherhood. I made a "friendly" call and inquired if they were using it because I would like it back if they were not. I went over and picked it up.

    Even though they were obliging, I got the sense somebody else might have wanted it so I'm glad I acted quickly!

    Maybe you should do something similar!

  • airborne

    I don't have family in but DA'd a year ago. Some JW's are such cowards they literally run away from me in my hometown.

    I say do whatever brings you peace on a case by case basis, especially with relatives or former close friends. Personal peace is the main thing. Just my two cents.

Share this