Help Me Regain Contact With My Still In Family

by pale.emperor 19 Replies latest jw experiences

  • pale.emperor

    Situation is, i'll never return to the WT. My family with never leave the WT.

    Depending on who you ask you'll get the following answers when you ask about me:

    My family: He's confused. He needs to speak to the elders and helped to come back.

    The elders: He's a lying, mentally diseased apostate. Stay away from him.

    Incidentally, i flatly told the elders in my JC that "i dont talk about religion". So why anyone would need to stay away from me "lest i influence them" is beyond me. Also, i've made it clear to my family that im not coming back. Ever. So shunning me to get me to "see sense and return" is pointless to.

    But they continue to have nothing to do with me. They want to but they dont. Im fully commited to living a wholesome, happy, loving, generous life outside the organization. Hoping that witnesses will see that im happy and that my family will see this too.

    But is it possible that my family will give in, at least in secret, and eventually have fellowship with me again? I really hope so. Im clinging to that hope. I have a brother who is mentally disabled. He must wonder where i am. I get upset thinking about him in case i never see him again. I wonder if he knows im thinking of him and i miss him.

    Today one of my sisters text me just after the first day of her convention and said "please get to the convention. Theres a lovely video on disfellowshipping".

    Today i text my mum and said "is it ok if i come visit you tomorrow, <my daughter> is asking for you." (she's 2 years old).

    My mum replied "no. i cant see you. I'd like to see <daughter> though. Can you have someone bring her over wednesday?"

    Sometimes i think of going back, pretending, so i can have my family back. And then fade. But if i do that im living a lie and wasting time on the cult which could be better spent elsewhere.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  • Saename

    The problem is that your family is influenced by a positive motive rather than negative. They think that by shunning you they will save your life. They believe that whoever rejects "Jehovah's organisation" is already doomed. That positive motive—saving your life—is a big problem. Negative motives aren't as effective.

    Your family also sincerely believes that if you are outside the organisation, you are more likely to become an immoral person. Again, they think that they are helping you by shunning. In the case of the rank and file members of the organisation, their belief is rather sincere. It's the leaders who are really selfish.

    Hence, what you're fighting against is not simply shunning. It's the belief of your family that they are saving your life—and theirs by adhering to the rules of their leaders. You need to show them that their leaders are wrong. However, that is nearly impossible. You were a Jehovah's Witness, so you probably know why it is so hard.

    Proving them wrong is not a short process. It takes a long time—even years. Possibly, they will acknowledge your happiness even though you are not in the organisation. However, that raises another question. Will that matter? What if your family does believe—as many Witnesses that I have seen myself—that it is possible to be good without being in the organisation?

    Moreover, when it comes to your mentally disabled brother, I assume he is being taken care of by your family as well, which would suggest that he is also taken to the Kingdom Hall by them. If such is the case, either you will have to convince your family that their leaders are wrong, or you will have to think of a plan to associate with him—however briefly—without their knowledge.

    To me, it seems like another case proving that the Watchtower can ruin family life. I wish you all the best. You are in a hard situation. You will have to endure and lead the happy life you say you are committed to having. I think you may have to accept that you may not see your brother in a long time. Nonetheless, this is not a definite statement. It may be the case, though I wish it won't be.

  • dubstepped

    Thinking of you, your mentally disabled brother, and your daughter, completely breaks my heart. There is a very slim chance at some point that they will see you again, but you and I know the harsh reality for most. I'm so sorry. My family shuns me, and my wife's shuns her too, after we DA'd last year. They know it was all our choice but they have to shun. Our families are punitive enough that they probably don't want anything to do with us on that reason alone. Rules are more important than anything.

  • Crazyguy

    I often think that I should have never left , faked it and worked on getting my family to think for themselves and be better people then the cult would make them. Teach them better values from the bible and real love. Also the real history of the religion planting seeds all the time. You have to way your options and see what will work best for you. This is a long war were battling and thinking about and planning the long strategy is what it's all about .

    The cult wins when we're emotional, react quickly, etc. play the long game and chances are better on our side. If one is dfd or dAs then your cut off so your influence is minimal for the ones still in. You'll be able to maybe Influence your kids and maybe a mate but unless a JW is willing to talk your not going to help anyone else in the cult, that's the reality.

  • breakfast of champions
    breakfast of champions
    Today i text my mum and said "is it ok if i come visit you tomorrow, <my daughter> is asking for you." (she's 2 years old).
    My mum replied "no. i cant see you. I'd like to see <daughter> though. Can you have someone bring her over wednesday?"

    I am not in this situation, nor have I ever been, nor will I ever be.

    That being said, I would tell my mother that she can rot in hell as far as I'm concerned after this kind of statement.

  • Crazyguy

    I also agree with breakfast, If they shun you then no way should you ever let your children visit them. Tell them that Jesus teachings were in no way as evil as the cults when it comes to treating non believers or those that found out thier religion is a lying abusive cult.

  • OnTheWayOut

    You must make your own choices. I can say what I think I would do in your situation, but even there- I just don't know. Keep in mind that I did successfully fade as I say what I would do in your shoes. I would never ever sit through a bunch of meetings to be reinstated. I would hold the course and hope that someone like my mother caves in a bit in order to see her granddaughter. I would say she can see her if I come along only. I would make my offer known to be of any physical assistance to my disabled brother and hope for the best there.

  • LisaRose

    It's the dilemma we all face, there are no easy answers. It's a shame your family is so brainwashed they cannot see the futility and cruelty of their actions, but that is the reality of the situation.

    Some feel the effort to go back and live a lie is worth it to maintain family bonds , others do not, it depends on your feelings about your family and the toll it would take to live a life you don't want. My choice was easy, my parents are gone, my children are not in the religion and I value living my life on my own terms more than the association with my two JW siblings, as much as I care for them. But that's me, your milage may differ.

    My suggestion: If you do go back, make it clear to your mother that you are doing this just for them, but that it is going to take a toll on you to live something you don't believe in, she should know she is hurting you. If you don't go back, write her a letter and tell her how much her stance is hurting you and your child. And don't let her have access to that child, she doesn't get to reject you and see her granddaughter. Find a nice older woman to hire as a babysitter so your daughter gets the love of an adoptive grandma. If I lived in your city I would do it for free. Not to brag, but my "itsy bitsy spider" skills are top notch.

    Only you can decide what is right for you.

    Lisa 🌹

  • berrygerry

    And don't let her have access to that child, she doesn't get to reject you and see her granddaughter. Find a nice older woman to hire as a babysitter so your daughter gets the love of an adoptive grandma.

    I agree with this.

    Are you with your wife?

    Is she still mentally or physically in?

    Grandma will be teaching your daughter to draw close to Jehovah and to distance herself from you.

  • Carol1111

    you could ask her how your daughter will feel when she is a couple of years older and notices how you are treated.

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