How Long Does Grief Last? (page 2)

Mulan

(botched C section, in the emergency room,

I wrote this too fast...........it wasn't a C section. It was a forceps delivery. No biggie, but I wanted to be correct.

There was a brother in my old congregation who's wife had been ill for many years. She had 3 strokes and no longer recognised him. Another sister in the congregation would visit her in the care home, bring her things, read to her etc. The husband really appreciated this and the two of them grew really close. They looked after his wife together and viewed it as a labour of love. Eventually, his wife died and the two of them got married after 11 months. I can't see anything wrong with this. The death of a loved one affects different people in many ways.

xxR

edited to change 'bother' to 'brother' - sorry!

Englishman

What do you hope to accomplish by "telling him that I know about his new lady?" What possible business of yours is that? If I were him and you made such a remark to me, I would be inclined to punch out your lights for poking your nose into a place where it had no business.

Whoah there, Francoise!

I was referring to the fact that it might be nice for him if I were to acknowledge his lady friend.

Of course I wouldn't be so crass as to criticise him for having one.

Englishman.

mouthy

This post was close to my heart.. The reason ?I lost Melanie to breast Cancer in 1999. She always told me as she was dying "Mum Tony( her hubby) is going to be devastated when I am gone" It was exactly 8 weeks after her death --he got a girlfriend......Unfortunatly I expressed my shock.....So we are estranged now. He lived with her ( my grandchildren were only 12 years old ( twins) & a son of 14 years old. ) Then that broke up & he took another to live with him. They got married last May. My Grandkids & I are very close. But I DID judge him I'm afraid.... Wish I hadnt. When I started to think rationally I had to admit to myself -Melanie had been dying for 1yr & seven months.Who knows ??? Sex is a big part of life & he probably need to satisfy his desires. I only wish he had gone OUT of my range & the kids....I wouldnt say anything to your friend It is none of our buisness really-I still believe we stand before a rightous judge... He knows the hairs of his head. So who the hang am I to say he was right or wrong....He is 46 years old

my 2 cents as usual

LB

I'd probably comment on the new lady friend, if he were a friend. Might say something along the lines of "she's a nice looking lady, hope she's a comfort to you" and then smile and let it go. At least it's out in the open that way.

I once talked to a shrink about grief. After several months I felt I was still grieving too much over the death of my father. He and I were best friends. The shrink told me that what is average for a parent is around 2 years. The loss of a spouse you really love takes 3-5 years on average and the death of a child is something you will never stop grieving. Now that I'm older and have lost many loved ones it seems that this is about right. On average.

But I'm still grieving the loss of my youth, and it's been a long time.

rebel

I know what I want to say but words fail me.

Mouthy - you really seem to have such an adult attitude to everything - I wish I could be like you, but I am very vindictive.

I am so angry at everything - I am angry that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time when Claire was killed. If I had been in the right place, she would be here with me today.

I hate grief. I hate feeling like this. I want to be a normal mum with her kids all around her. Why must I be deprived like this?

xxR

oldcrowwoman

Englishman sorry for the loss. In society for the most part grieving is not honored on any level. The mentality is when experiencing a death. One seems to be allowed 3 days to grieve. And life goes back to normal.

From my experiences with grief comes in many layers. Kinda liken to an onion. Theirs an onion for each loss II've experienced over time.

My experienced with treatment for alcohol and drugs opened the pandora's box to feelings. Its was overwhelming feeling to acknowledge the losses. To grief loss of innocense, what I thought was family, friendships, physical deaths, divorce, religion, my drug of choice Beer(She was my best friend). The loss of my sexuality, children leaving home, cult shunning , loss of love and the list goes on and on.

There is no right or wrong way to grieving. I work with death everyday in my job and feelings are expressed in so many ways and depending on the culture. Being respectful to their process.

For me to deal with losses of the first 40 years of life I acknowledge each loss and to put this marker on my path and honor it. And may go back many times to honor it. What I do know about myself is I can easily detact from my feelings. I have strong connection to Crows and when 3 crows show their phyical presence is to remind me of a death. Not in physical form but in a emotional form. And sometimes I am not happy to see them. But for me to acknowledge the loss and feel the feelings. I am grateful for their presences.

What you shared at the ending asking questions. how he feels right now opens the door for him to make the choice in sharing.

All the Best, Crow Woman

DJ

Hello Englishman,

You are very insightful to wonder if your friend began his grieving process while his wife was alive. Unfortunately, I have been through this twice. My first husband and I were married very young. When I was 22, he suffered severe brain damage and no longer recognized me and was unable to care for himself. I absolutely began to grieve him while he was alive and I actually had guilt about it because I had no idea what was going on. He died 9 years later and it was as if he really died twice. Currently, my dad (jw) has a brain tumor and has been sick for 20 months. He is also on steroids. They not only cause an increased appetite but also delusions and a personality change. The tumor itself causes those things as well. He also has to take an anti-seizure medicine because brain tumors cause seizures. That medicine changes the personality also. I can tell you that I have been grieving my father since the beginning of the diagnosis. A brain tumor patient is no longer the same person and sadly the loved ones do begin to feel the loss while the person is alive. It is a terrible thing. I love my dad deeply and yet I miss him awfully even though he is still physically alive.

Please give your friend a hug. He has been through much. The only way that he can survive is to move forward because if he sat and pondered what he just went through all of the time he wouldn't want to live. He is coping and believe me, he has grieved and always will. I hope that he is aware that the grieving process started long ago because I would hate it if he felt guilty. It is completely normal but no one tells you that.

Englishman

DJ,

Thank you. My friend's family live across the road from my house, so we are also privy to how they feel about their Son in laws new friend, although this is a very recent development. It's difficult for everyone concerned, not least because he himself is a very caring person too.

Mike.

Debz

I think grief and / or love over a partner lasts forever but I also think it healthy to move on....I think that your friend has every right to move on, and I don`t think it disrespects his wifes memory at all.....My ex husband died July we had been divorced for 10yrs - I am still devastated by the fact he is not alive even though we never saw each other for long periods of time......but even on his death bed (and with another woman for 10yrs) still said he loved me.....it never leaves you! but you learn to move on!....If I was you I would just console him for his loss and wish him well in his future............in any way he chooses it to be...

How Long Does Grief Last?

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