Are You Ashamed Of The Way That You Disciplined Your Child?

by minimus 42 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  invictus

  I was not raised a witness and I used to work as a pediatric nurse for some years, so those experiences shaped my opinion about child rearing. I have three kids and I never spanked them exept litlle swat on their "diaper" bottom, and I never spanked my kids if they were antsy during the meetings. My only regret is that I wasn`t more vocal toward those jw parents who would loose their temper and drag their kids, some of them babies, and discipline(beat them) ,just because they had a hard time sitting still at the meetings or conventions.

  WasButNeverAgain,

  first - welcome to the forum. I am trully sorry that you have to carry that burden and pain from your childhood. Hopefully you are able to heal and telling about mistreatment and abuse very much helps. I sincerely hope that the molestor is known and caught and got what he deserves.

  take care.

  Invictus
• 

  SadElder

  This thread has touched a nerve. I don't favor "beating" any child, period. However, I think one of the problems in today's world is a complete lack of discipline and limits. I lived through the years when Dr. Spock suggested no spanking, and then changed his opinion. Discipline does not have to be spanking, but can be part of it.

  In times past when "spanking" was in vogue, when limits were set, when the whole community was involved in raising children, we did not have Columbine and other such sad disasters in our schools. Now students and parents alike threaten our teachers. Don't spoil creativity, don't stunt their psyche. Oh, please. Let's get real. Our permissive society has produced fat ass kids and fat head parents who can't read, make change, or manage a checkbook.

  Flame me, hate me, whatever you want. But I make no apologies for giving my kids a pop or two on the backside now and then if they really needed it. And they don't hate me and they for sure as hell haven't been arrested or failed first grade reading assignments in the fifth grade. Limits, correction, clear goals and targets and oh yes lots of hugs and kisses and special times. That's what worked with my three, and we still have hugs and kisses, and respect for others, and each other. I love my kids who are each successful in their own right.
• 

  minimus

  I know of some individuals that will report a parent to the authorities if they spank a child. One is a JW doctor and his wife . They've made many scenes at at the Hall for such "discipline". Personally, I think I've spanked my daughter 3 times in life and never, ever lost control.
• 

  freedom96

  I am not ashamed of the way I disciplined my kids, and continue to do so.

  I for one, have never thought beating a child is the way to go. I don't even like spankings, and I don't do them. I think some parents have too little control over their own emotions, and smack the kids around because they are venting their own frustration. That is wrong.

  For those who claim they beat their kids because they got beat themselves, get real. That is a cop-out.They are in control of their own actions today, and they can choose to treat their kids better.

  I talk to my kids. Now, if my little child is going to put his hand on the stove, of course I will slap the hand away and explain HOT. And granted, I do believe that if a kid is back talking to a parent, with no respect, and no regard for anything, I have no problem with a parent giving the kid one swat on the butt.

  I also believe that any hand or butt swatting must only be done by the parent. God help any adult that hits my kid.
• 

  Badger

  ((((to all us great parents))))

  *pours long glass of wine*

  ...I knew it was coming the day my son was born...I'd have to correct inappropriate behavior some day...

  I forgot what it was exactly...he had just learned to crawl (6 Mo. old), and he was heading for certain doom (good part about learning to crawl...you don't have to take them everywhere they want to go. Bad part...They can now get everywhere they want to go.) after several vocal admonitions, He continued to lunge for the outlet/furnace/snakepit/whatever it was, so I took his wrist and tagged the back of it with two fingers.

  He wasn't hurt, but he did start to cry. The look on his face was one of shock, and then he sobbed and hugged me. It was litterally bittersweet...I knew I had handled it correctly, but it still felt perfectly awful.

  My most extreme case? Some will be appalled, but most will laugh for about two minutes and then say "that's not funny..."

  He was 2...with his mom(still married at the time) and a friend in the living room he and I were playfighting on the floor. he was wearing training pants and heavy snow boots (foreshadowing)

  I played "knocked out" and spreadeagled on the floor. He then stood behind me and David Beckhamed me right in the grapefruits.

  I had NEVER been racked like that. My friend got sympathy pains, mom was laughing (men will never understand the pain of childbirth...women will never understand the pain of getting hammered in the rocks) and my son was also laughing, completely without remorse. Discipline is changing unwelcom behavior, and it was apparently up to me...

  I grabbed him by the waistband of his training pants...

  pulled him over a few inches...

  and gave him a slight reciprocal tag in his speedbag...

  and then resumed cradling my possilbly-permanently-inoperable plumbing.

  I caught a glance of his face...yep, he now knew what it felt like. My friend nearly sprayed beer all over the carpet. Son cried to mom (now REALLY cracking up).

  Horrible? possibly...but every accidental racking he gave me since has been followed by a profound apology. Is he scarred? Probably not...I related the story to him this summer (he's 6 now) and he also cracked up.

  If I refrain from hitting him with a thrown camera, slamming his head into a washer, kicking him in the face with a cowboy boot or breaking a rake over his back, I'll still be an improvement over his grandparents.
• 

  minimus

  sooo----is spanking ok if it is clearly controlled?
• 

  Pistoff

  Did I spank?

  Yes.

  Would I now?

  NO.

  Is it right?

  NO.

  We teach our children it is wrong to hit, and wrong to use physical violence to solve our issues, but then physically spank or swat them.

  I think this is the beginning of some cognitive dissonance for kids. There are other ways to discipline children. Some cultures NEVER spank their children.

  I have apologized to my children for spanking them; they are pretty cool about it.
• 

  Sassy

  I am ashamed the way my ex husband left marks on my children. He had a wooden board he widdled down to what he called the 'ole stick'. He would use it to spank the kids 'butts' when they were bad. I remember once he left marks on our baby (about 8 ir 9 at the time) on his 'butt' so bad. I screamed and screamed at him over it. Now I feel bad I didn't turn him in for abuse but at the time I thought I was doing the best I could do.. I would try when I could to stop him from disciplining, even if it meant him hitting me instead. (warped I know) what bothered me more though was my ex father in law who got upset with our son and put him in his trunk of his car and DROVE down the highway with him in there. My son had been acting up and he was teaching him a lesson. This man WAS AN elder!! We didn't learn of the incident till years later.
• 

  Odrade

  sooo----is spanking ok if it is clearly controlled?

  Let me tell you about how my parents spanked us, Mini...

  (Yes, I've related this before, so here's the short version.) We would "act up," sometimes it was at the meeting--like doing the push-fight over the armrest, sometimes it was during family study, too squirmy, not paying attention. Sometimes it was making too much noise playing on the jungle-gym in the backyard. So, we would get hauled inside for a "spanking." If it was mom, we had to bring a stick from the yard (easier for her to hold), if it was dad, he used a belt. We would get 3 hard blows to the butt. If we jumped around, then the legs were fair game. I jumped around, most of my "spanks" ended up on the backs/sides of my thighs. If we screamed, we got 3 more hits. Scream some more, 3 more. We usually didn't scream.

  These "spanks" would leave huge welts, and sometimes bruises. Were the spanks out of control? NO. (at least with my dad... my mom? that's debateable. She would get in a particular rage if we wouldn't cry during the spanking, or particularly if my brother would laugh. Then she would keep hitting him all over the room until her arm got tired.) But with dad, he was doing what was "right" and he was NEVER out of control. He really believed that was the way to discipline. Got lots of commendation from the other elders on how well he disciplined his kids.

  I'm not a parent myself, but I have lots of experience with kids, enough to know that effective discipline can be administered without injuring the kid.

  I have no problem with spanking. I think a well-timed swat can be worth an hour of talking. But too many in the Org let the oldtimers and hardliners in the congregation teach them how to beat their kids, and convince them that this is godly discipline. It makes me sick.

  The sad thing is, when those kids grow up and look back, the kids whose parents beat them out of control are more likely to clearly say "parent, that was wrong, you hurt me." The kid whose parents administered "controlled" beatings, will always be conflicted about who takes the blame...

  Odrade
• 

  minimus

  As I was raised a Witness, in my era, spanking was considered normal. The scriptures seemed to encourage giving an unruly child a "beating". I got wacked with hands, boards and razor straps. OUCH that hurt! But, everytime my mother administered such "discipline", I would make her feel guilty by asking her if she felt better losing her control. This would REALLY piss her off but she'd see my point and then just punish me for being a smart-ass.