help please

by Scooby 28 Replies latest jw experiences

  • cruzanheart

    Dear Scooby, first of all, welcome to the forum! You and your husband will find a lot of help and comfort here. I felt a LOT of guilt when I stopped going to meetings, and I went to therapy which helped tremendously. My therapist has counseled several ex-JWs so she was familiar with the thought processes we have. Please tell your husband that he has done NOTHING wrong. He is facing a bunch of imperfect men, NOT spirit-appointed shepherds. That's the bull they hand out so you will obey them without question. Would Jesus have looked down on your husband because he is in shape? Would he have refused to allow him to be an apostle? He didn't work that way.

    The Witnesses have degenerated into a control-freak organization with so many rules and regulations that no one could follow them, just like the Pharisees. If you two can leave the organization I think you will be happier, but if you still want to stay you both have to get grounded in your own minds what the truth is, and don't allow people to determine that for you.

    And for heaven's sake, tell your husband not to stop working out! He'll outlive all of the pencil necked geeks, if that's any comfort!


  • Preston

    When I was growing up I was a pencil thin, out of shape kid so I got into an athletic program. I utilized a personal trainer, and did bodybuilding in school for a hobby. And you know what, best decision i ever made. It boosted my confidence like nothing I've ever done, and it's helped me a lot in the long wrong. Scooby, you cannot comprehend the number of women out there, and men ;) who would die to be dating a guy with a physique like your husband's. He has a gift that very few men will ever possess, so I say, more power to him.

    As for your spiritual journey, this is what I have to say: they cannot hurt you unless you let them. In context, the JW elders are weak people, they cannot even make their own decisions without someone standing in over their head. So, you guys have the advantage, that's all I can say, sounds like you got the brains (and the brawn) to overcome the opinions of a bunch of physical and spiritual weaklings. And if you guys don't want to deal with leaving "the truth", then go somewhere else, nobody's stopping you, and if you don't want to play into their games, then don't becuase they can't do a thing about it except read your name in front of a congregation (big whoop) or maybe write your name in one of their "official files", something which is so third-grade they don't even realize the hilarity behind it. And if your family and friends disown you, well, it's their loss.

    In the long run, you guys will be okay, for any erstwhile JW, well...let's just say their options are limited.

    Hope everyhing goes well Scooby, e-mail me sometime.

  • nightwarrior

    We were saddened to read your post..

    All we know is that JW's have a lot to answer time goes by, Nightwarrior and I have come to realise that we as a couple and as parents to 4 lovely children is more important than anything the JWs have to offer...even though our problems with the borg were different to yours, we have realised that jealousy is rampant through the organisation...

    If you look better than the body of elders, or the elders families, then you have a problem, and you can be rest assured that this will rebound on you sooner or later....

    Fortunately, Nightwarrior and I did not need counselling, but we have learnt to really talk to each other, sometimes rather heated, but we have both suffered because of the JW influence in our lives... we are now coming through the other side, but it is hard, but you must keep talking...and cuddles are so have to realise that life is for the living, even though the JWs feel that once you become one of the them your

    lives belong to them... well I have news for you, that is just not true, but finding that out can be really hard, and wearing, but if you are determined to fight for your love and your marriage, keep going... life is certainly rosier outside of the borg..

    Also remember you have so many people on here to talk too, so you are not alone... keep talking....we will all listen and try to help you..

    If you want e-mail us... we are more than happy to chat and offer any help we can via the web, as we are in UK, but hey what is distance amongst friends!


    Mr and Mrs Nightwarrior

  • Scout

    I am so sorry to hear about you & your husband going through this stress.

    For me, I went through great depression leaving the WTS - feeling I wasn't good enough, that I would be destroyed, my friends & family wouldn't have anything to do with me, etc.

    However, when I was contemplating suicide, I knew I needed help & I needed to get away from the organizaiton.

    I too went into therapy (if you are in the LA area, I can refer you - She is GREAT). At first, I couldn't even talk about the "religion" - all those years of programming that you cannot bring reproach upon Jehovah's name. However, once I let my guard down, things started falling into place. My therapist was not that familiar with JW's. So she studied several of the books, so she could help me.

    One day she said two SIMPLE things that blew me away - 1) God loves me unconditionally and 2) spirituality and religion are two different things that don't necissarily go hand in hand.

    That is all it took. As a JW I never realized that. No I have been free for several years. Sure my family & friends aren't around - their religious not spiritual. However, I am healthier and happier without them and I have made a new family. One who really cares about me.

    My spouse & I did some joint therapy as well. That may be an option for you two.

    Be patient with each other, and love each other. It's been rough but you can do it.

    Best wishes to you both. Scout

  • Etude


    From your description, it sounds like your husband is still “on the fence” even though you’re both inactive, hence his guilt. Not being able to repudiate the Organization altogether, it may be a mistake to push him out by confronting him (by whatever means) with anti-Watchtower information and sentiment. It’s a stage that many of us have gone through were we have problems with the organization but still think that it’s the “Truth” and are reluctant to leave it. Something has to take its place. Whatever that is, maybe a realization of its fundamental flaws or severe shake up in a belief in God, it has to come to the individual himself and not pushed upon him or her. But that takes time. I suppose a counselor would be good if he/she concentrates on positive individual worth rather than on the negative aspects of what happened to him, to both of you. Sometimes when confronted in a negative way, we tend to be defensive, even about the very thing we have a problem with.

    In spite of the acceptance that I have acquired through the years that the Watchtower and the Jehovah’s Witnesses are a cult, it does not cease to enrage me when I hear about situations such as your husband’s. I guess most people with any shred of humanity will react the same way at an obvious injustice. The problem is that Witnesses have been trained to suppress their humanity for the sake of the Organization. I think everyone’s comments are right on the money: There’s jealousy in the elder’s actions; There’s pettiness; There’s local interpretation and inconsistency, and there’s lack of Christian love as we have learned it from them. It would be great if he could realize these things for himself and see the Organization for what it really is.

    Going to a counselor wouldn’t hurt. I do recommend that you interview the person (perhaps several) first and explain the situation in order to determine if that individual would be suitable to help. Learn all you can about the serious issues that have put in doubt the infallibility of the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ biblical interpretations and gently provide them to your husband. You also need to be patient with him and give him time to accept his situation. If he kowtows and stays, he and you will continue to be unhappy. You sound like you love him enough to hang in there. Hang in there! I guess the adage still rings true that wisdom is found in the voice of many. Even if not all of the advice is sound, one is in a better position to take what is good and learn from what is not. We’re here for you.


  • blacksheep


    My advice, start hanging out with your bodybuilding hubby and DUMP the JWs. They are a cult. One of the few things real in life is family and loving relationships. Screw the JW's. Listen to them and you'll be doomed.

  • kat_newmas

    So sorry to hear another story like this. It is just another example of what happens when "I believe" turns into "we believe". It is said in my circle of spiritual friends, that "no one truth can be made to stretch and fit every mans belief". What one may consider a horrible conceited thing, like celebrating his birthday, another may simply find joy in marking the occasion.

    This is the reason I ran away at age twelve. I knew that the teachings of the witnesses were man-made ideas. What is 'truth' for one, may not be for another.

  • Francois

    Welcome Scooby. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, and angry that the JWs have notched up yet another victim.

    How long, O Lord, how long, will you allow this demon-infested, anti-intellectual, fear-based cult to ruin people's live like this? You don't allow a puppy-dog's tail to be held in the fire, but you allow JWs even to exist? Where is your Mercy, where your Justice?

    I hope you can maybe get your man on some one of the new anti-depressants. Like maybe Effexor or one of those. If your relationship breaks up because of this, perhaps you should regard it as temporary. People do strange things when they are depressed. And most of them would un-do these strange things if they could. Perhaps you will allow your man to un-do what depression may make him do before this is all over? He will appreciate your mercy; I know this from prior experience.


  • LyinEyes

    I agree with Outlaw,

    The elders just want total Control.

    What ever it is in life, no matter how innocent it is they will take it from you. They will say it is for your own good, but they just want your time out selling magazines and being an example to rub in the faces of the others.

    I was in a riding club , with my parents,,,,,,, very innocent, I was quiet good at it,,,,,,, the C.O. came by and put a stop to it right away. I could ride my horses at home,was his reply. I didnt need to compete in any shows , or even compete agaisnt others from my own riding club. That was just fun and working on our own time reallyas a way to practice.

    But it is ok for some of the elders to be in golf tournaments,their kids are into different clubs at school.

    It seems to be if a young brother is doing any masculine sports , body building, they will find something wrong with that too.
    When my husband was young he was so talented in football he was asked to try out for teams, and was being looked at by coaches. But he had to give it up.

    Meanwhile the other young brother his age, was all into the photography club, the beta club, the yearbook staff,,,,,,,,all these kinds of non physical activities. THere is nothing wrong with a boy being in those, but the attitude of the elders in this hall, were very off. Anything the young brothers wanted to do, it better be something you have to wear a tie to do..and not be too athletic or physical..... it makes me sick.

    In the end the elders put themselves up as judge on every thing someone does.

    Sisters have been counseled for their shorts being too short, their ears have too many piercings, their clothes fit too tight. It literally got so bad some elders seemed to want to know what was going on in your marital bed.

    It's all about control.

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