So now they have branded me an apostate and not fit to talk to, They have never met their 1 and 2 year old grandchildren and are smeering my name all over the place because I wont send thm pictures and let my wife email them with information on whats going on in my family...My outlook is simple...either they except my whole family including me or they can put the fact that they have a son and daughter-in-law and two grandchildren out of their minds...But now I am starting to doubt that...whats everyones thoughts?
My JW Folks
It might help us to know more details, but based on what you said...
I'd stick to my guns. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a family unit. Let them clearly know that this is why its happening, and they'd jolly well better smarten up if any family progress is to be made on their part.
The doubt may be due to several things. You don't have a good support network. You lack faith in your own non-JW course. Or you can't let go of family.
A final option is to amuse your family by 'fogging' them. Don't give them anything concrete, but just act like everything is OK.
Craig, I don't know how many people on here have experienced similarly to you. Countless I am sure.
Family break-ups as a result of shunning is such an integral part of the JW family plan.
Divide and conquer.
Craig, it must be incredibly painful for you, your wife and your two children. Sad to say, it's not YOUR choice that things have had to turn out this way. I'm sure deep-deep down inside, your parents are aching to see their grandchildren, but the Borg rules again...like a section out of the novel: Farenheit 451 or 1984.
I'm always sad to read these incidents. Craig, I hope you'll remain here. You'll find that there are many people who have experienced similarly.
I hope you'll find comfort here.
I am so sorry to hear of this. I wish it were different for you .
Well happysunshine...here are the details:
I was a ministerial servant and married at 21 a good little pioneer girl from our cong...You know the little jw house on the prairie story. Well i wanted out of everything before i was 23...so i packed my things, got divorced, never met with the elders, in fact never called to a meeting but was disfellowshipped none the less.
My mom and sister kept a trickle of contact through the next year or so...but then I decided to try to create something in my new family (i got married againa and had 2 kids) that my old never had in it - love and unity. So we started by going to a local little church and finding new friends and basically my new wife and I staretd rebuilding my and our life. It was tough for my new in laws and wife to understand that my family did not want anything to do with me as they were not exposed in any way to the dubs and they are very close.
Anyway when my folks and sister and brother heard i was going to another church, that was that, the branded me an apostate so another announcement was made in three different congregations, they put the phone down in my face etc etc. BUT they still try and contact my wife to get photo's etc etc of my kids and keep the communications up with her...So i said NO as if they dont accept my whole family they dont accept it at all.
This is after I whilst being DF'd was asked by my mom brother and sister for financial help, which i dished out and then some etc etc...It hurts not having a family as fundamentally it take away your history all together. But now I have to make a decision about my son and daughter..do i treat my folks and virtually cut them off from my kids like they cut me off - or do i show that since leaving the dubs I have become a better person than they will ever be and let my kids be exposed to their crap...It was easy when they were small infants, but now my son knows his other gran dad and wants to know about my daddy.
My sister's dfing tore my mother apart. Some time I'll get into it. However dad got sick and things started to look up. But as soon as his health got better, guilt set in and the Borg ruled again (as Rayzor fittingly puts it; i.e see my icon).
Unless your parents free themselves of the mind control of the WT there is no way for them to change. Interestingly in our situation I learned that if the WT changed its point of view on dfing, my parents would be prepared to change theirs. So it's not the Bible or their personal comprehension that's important, it's current GB regulations that count.
Sorry to hear of your situation. However that's typical of the JW mentality. My family branded me also. To make a long story short, I told my family members that I am not a part time brother. Either accept me full time or not at all. So far they've tried to enter my life on the guise of necessary family business, when they do, It causes too much emotional turmoil, so I eventually mailed them a letter stating not to contact me. Now I have the power!! When I feel like contacting them, I will. I got tired of their JW $hit.
I have lived out your life in my own. Today my Witness relatives do attempt to keep in touch with my wife but snub and shun me. When my wife associates with those who reject me, my wife rejects me. I would not want to be married to a woman who would do that.
If you come into my world and tell me you want association with me but you intend to snub and shun my wife, I will hang up on you or show you the door in one microsecond.
To understand some things, I have had to take them out of their context and set them into a different context. Would you question whether to continue shopping in a store that told you that you could shop there but your wife could not even enter the door? Think along these lines a bit.
I personally know you are on the right track. I would take it a step farther. I would call them up and tell them they are disfellowshipped by your family and they are forbidden to have ANY contact with ANY member. ESPECIALLY the children. If they refuse, I would get a legal restraining order against them.
Best wishes, gary
I, too, think you're right.
After all, would they want to contact your wife and children if they belonged to some other family? Face it, their only relationship to your wife and kids is through you. If you don't exist (as in the dfing arrangement), then your wife and kids are just strangers.
They are trying to maintain some normality in their own family ties, while bypassing you.
If they insist on playing the childish game of disfellowshipping, they should be forced to play it by all the rules, especially the ones that hurt them.
...It hurts not having a family as fundamentally it take away your history all together. But now I have to make a decision about my son and daughter..do i treat my folks and virtually cut them off from my kids like they cut me off - or do i show that since leaving the dubs I have become a better person than they will ever be and let my kids be exposed to their crap...It was easy when they were small infants, but now my son knows his other gran dad and wants to know about my daddy.
It does hurt when your family is torn like apart like that. My parents are still in the borg and up until last year February 2002 my parents were still seeing my kids. I finally had to cut the ties between my parents and my kids. I have a 13 year old daughter and 11 year old son. My daughter had a real close relationship with my mom, so she would go to my parents for sleepovers on the weekends. My son was rarely included on these sleepovers because he never felt welcomed in their house. Because of their dub minds they just never formed a relationship with my son, (I think he reminded them too much of my hubby, who they blame for me setting myself free of the borg). Anyway my daughter would come home showered with gifts, and candy, and nothing would be brought home to my son. Naturally there would be hard feelings between the siblings, and I always found that my daughter would come home with attitude. It would take days to get her back to being herself. So it finally came to a head one day last year (my mom stepped over the line with my daughter) I finally saw my mom for who she was a "brainwashed dub" and I got on the phone with my mom, laid it on the line, told her that if she couldn't accept our life as we are living it now, too bad. I told her that I didn't trust her as far as I could throw her, blah, blah blah. I told her that if she and my dad ever wanted to see me and kids again she knew my phone number. Well I haven't heard from her since.
The sad thing is, is that my parents are missing the best years with their grandkids. My dad has a woodworking shop in his garage. He does beautiful work, work that he could pass down to his grandson, but the dub mentality does not allow him to do this. I feel sorry for them. I've moved on, created a normal life for my family, while they are stuck.
Craig, For me, I stay sane, with my parents not in my life right now. There's enough problems to deal with, without have to deal with dub parents. I hope I've been helpful
I would suggest that you invite your parents to visit the family at your house. That way, their exposure to your children is supervised by you. I would also take note of how they treat your wife. If they show normal love and affection, then this may be a positive thing. They may even eventually warm up to you. I would never let them see the children unsupervised, as they will no doubt attempt to convert them. This, of course, would be an experiment, and may not work, but at least you gave them a chance.