The Great God Contest

by Tatiana 13 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • Tatiana

    Right here on the Internet, we will attempt to bring a final resolution to all religious wars, controversy and hypocrisy.

    The Great God Contest

    The Rules

    The rules are simple. Any religious organization in the world is invited to enter their god. The various gods will be given three challenges to fulfill. These challenges have been chosen because they represent typical accomplishments of most of the present day gods, as well as historical ones. In light of the various literary records, these challenges should be very easy for any god to accomplish.

    Only one entry per religion is allowed.

    The winner will be the god who completes all three challenges in the least amount of time.

    Onlookers may cheer for their god by offering prayers, songs, epithets or verbal abuse.

    If your god fails to show, then followers are free to cheer for a more conscientious alternative.

    Notice: Representatives of local S.P.C.A.'s, Humane Societies, and P.E.T.A. will be on hand to ensure that no animals are killed or mutilated, even if it is for some primitive sacrifice or common food ritual. God's creatures are in no way to be adversely affected by this religious challenge.

    Gods Not Entered

    Gods who are unwilling, or unable, to enter this contest will forfeit the right of their representatives to collect money, tithes, land, or any other worldly possessions in their god's name.

    The Prizes

    The winning god will receive all money, possessions and property held by churches, organizations and representatives of the losing gods. These possessions will be distributed according to the whim of the winner. In addition, in recognition of His/Her/Its superiority, the winning god will be the sole recipient of prayers, entreaties, solicitations, petitions, requests and other forms of begging from all the people in the world.

    At the conclusion of this contest, the winner will attend a summit meeting with the world's leaders to implement divine solutions to overpopulation, pollution, corruption, greed, disease, and other ills which plague His/Her/Its creations.

    In the eventuality that there is no winner, then all money, property and possessions of all the religions in the world will be turned over to a Committee of Common Sense for distribution to the betterment of conditions of all living creatures. The committee will be made up of representatives chosen especially for their honesty and integrity. All decisions of this committee will be final and binding.

    Virgin Impregnated

    Gods of any sex are invited. They need not demonstrate any specific skill at love-making, or any parental responsibility. The virgin will be chosen by the Committee of Judges and carefully examined to ensure her virginity is intact. The lady will be kept in total isolation for a period of three months prior to allowing the challenging god to accomplish this task. She will again be examined to make sure that she is definitely barren before the god will be allowed to proceed. The virgin will be kept in isolation for a period of nine months. This should give any god ample time to make a holy child. The child may be of any sexual orientation but should be observably human.

    All food and sundries delivered to the maiden must be examined by the Committee of Judges to ensure no turkey basters or other possible insemination paraphernalia get smuggled in. The various gods must impregnate their virgins without any outside assistance whatsoever.

    Corpse Raised

    Any human corpse in a stage of putrefaction can be entered. The Committee of Judges will examine the body to verify that it is actually dead. The corpse will be locked in a private chamber, where it can be observed objectively. Absolutely no one will be allowed inside the chamber. God must be able to morph through the walls and enter the chamber if this is required to perform the resurrection. The Committee of Judges will determine when the deceased is a cognizant human being again. Revitalizing hibernating hamsters does not count.

    Choice of (a) Multitude Fed or (b) Sick Healed

    This represents the practical part of the contest. Gods may pick A.) or B).

    A.) Gods may chose to heal a physically handicapped person, chosen by the Contest's Committee of Judges. This person will be an amputee. The god must be able to demonstrate, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the ability to perform a miraculous healing by making the missing limb grow back. The limb must be complete and functioning. It does not count if the handicapped person exclaims, "I feel whole again!" There must be a total restoration of the missing limb.

    B.) Gods may choose to feed every starving person and creature in an impoverished nation, chosen by the Contest's Committee of Judges. The food must be abundantly apparent for one full year after the acceptance of this particular challenge. The Contest's Committee of Judges will determine that there are no hungry mouths in the chosen country.

  • justhuman

    Nice one

  • Abaddon

    What a wonderful way to start a week...!

    I like this; as I am fond of saying, the greatest proof that there is no god is that you cannot prove there is a god, as such a situation makes the concept of god in general or specifically a caring creator with a plan obviously false. If god was there or cared/had a plan, then the lack of proof is an unsurmountable logical testicle, I mean obsticle (unless of course you can prove otherwise).

    I mean, I don't want much. A small burning deciduous plant of some description would do, it wouldn't even have to be a whole Bush, although come to think of it, THAT'S an idea...

    *stand by for SOHF*

  • Tatiana
    A small burning deciduous plant of some description would do, it wouldn't even have to be a whole Bush, although come to think of it, THAT'S an idea...

    Lol @ Abaddon......

    Pick your champion using this informative scratch sheet, with our tipsters rating the various gods. These statistics are presented so that you may have fun determining which god will be the eventual winner. The Contest Committee is in no way encouraging gambling on the eventual outcome of this contest, where prohibited by law. Remember, some countries kill people who ask questions about religion.

    Possible Contenders

    Ishtar- gained much popularity by not blaming women or snakes for the world's problems.

    Church Of Christ Scientist- lost some young members when their god failed to show up and cure them of sugar diabetes.

    Muslim Koran- "God directs you as regards to your children. The male shall receive a portion equal to that of two females." This god will probably lose the support of 50% of his followers.

    Catholic God- has lost a lot of popularity among feminists, ecologists and young alter boys.

    Jehovah's Witnesses- keep waiting for their god to destroy the earth...and keep on being disappointed.

    Living Truth Ministries- believe that the organization of Alcoholics Anonymous is one of Satan's tools. Also blame Cher, Jimmy Carter, George Lucas, Tina Turner, Michael Crichton, the Rockefellers, Sharon Gless, Linda Evans and numerous other celebrities for being in a wicked plot to destroy the souls of children. Their god has probably lost the support of these people.

    Mormon God- not too popular with minorities since color is considered to be a "Mark Of Cain" and thus excludes these people from gaining any profitable church positions.

    Church Of The Lord Jesus Christ- Keep insisting that god wants them to annoy rattlesnakes. Keep losing members.

    Jews For Jesus- perhaps a little schizophrenic?

    Zoroastrian God - Ahura Mazda, who in a fit of omnipotence created his own arch-enemy, Ahriman. How mysterious are the ways...

    If you have a god that you feel should be listed on this tip sheet to help the punters, then please forward this information on the form in the bibliography section.

  • Abaddon

    Hey, can Satan enter? If it gets worshipped, it's a god, QED.

    Then we have the Calvanistic god. Nothing to do with jeans, more to do with genes I suppose, as the Calvanistic god knows beforehand who is going to be damned or not and calls those who aren't to him. Not very fair...

    I also think we should allow the really fun pagan gods, like Quetzlecotal (sp?). A heart a day keeps the sun rising, isn't it? And Zeus can enter, but lock up your women, as he's got an unusual line on dating (Hey baby, I'm a god AND a swan, cool, eh?). Some entities will do anything to get Leda.

    We also need some aliens, as if belief is the qualification required for entrance, then they get in too.

    Can I enter the Easter Bunny?

  • peacefulpete

    I'll take the Unknown God, the unknowns sometimes surprise everybody. Maybe they try harder.

    Edited by - peacefulpete on 10 February 2003 11:9:30

    Edited by - peacefulpete on 10 February 2003 11:12:13

  • Sirona

    I doubt that there is any god willing to take the time out for this contest. Its sort of like "Who cares what humans think?"


  • Elsewhere

    Should there be anyone who wants to enter this contest, but does not have a deity to use, I have one for sale:

    For Sale - 1 (one) used deity

    I have been notified that I am in possession of a deity. As I have no use for such a device I wish to sell it:

    Answers to "God", "Jesus", "Jehovah", "Yahweh", "LORD", "Adonai", "Eloi", and "Allah".

    Documented age: Approximately 3000 years. (Note: Deity claims to be eternal and without beginning or end. Has refused to provide evidence supporting this despite repeated requests.)

    Claims to have "created the heavens and the earth"! Something for you to brag about to your friends! Also claims to have created all of humanity with nothing but dirt! WOW! (Note: Deity may be a hermaphrodite as it claims both men and women were created in its image.)

    Only admitted mistake to date: Galileo was right, the Earth goes around the sun. Admitted through Pope Pious XII in 1957.

    Possibly one son, will not confirm or deny relations with mother (this has caused some controversy. New owner takes responsibility for all costs of any future paternity suits). My personal opinion on the matter is that the son does not belong to the deity as the deity looks down on and discourages sexual relations and non-intercourse reproduction.

    Aptitudes: war, political influence, pestilence, and plague. Especially effective for politicians and large corporations -- can easily convince the masses to accept or buy anything. Also able to smite and make loud thunderous noises (Occasionally sets fire to bushes). Very good at parties! Witness reports indicate it can turn water into booze! WOW!


    * Buyer responsible for locating and transporting deity. This should be very easy as the deity claims to be "Omni-Present".

    * Original owner will not be held responsible for any burns (to self, carpet, or upholstery) from fire and/or brimstone which may or may not accompany deity (Witness reports vary regarding literal meaning of "fire and brimstone").

    * Has been diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder (Occasionally claims to be as many as three persons in one... witness reports vary).

    * Though this deity has made many claims of accomplishments and authority, it has as of yet refused to provide any evidence to support such claims despite repeated requests. Humans claiming to be acting under its authority have been known to commit atrocities.

    * This deity has exhibited signs of Manic Depressive Disorder and mood swings... one moment it is happy and loving everyone, the next moment it is threatening eternal damnation with fire and brimstone (Witness reports vary regarding literal meaning of "fire and brimstone").

    * Made unsuccessful attempts to boycott Johnson Wax and Disney. This may be indicative of future behavior.

    * Deity contains many holes despite its many claims to be "perfect".

    * Also has refused to provide a frame of reference with which to define "perfection".

    * Tends to condemn certain people and acts despite claims of having created everything perfectly. Trys to explain this away by saying it can do anything it wants followed by a threat of eternal damnation.

    This deity has been known to compel followers to commit genocide, suicide and a variety of other violations of Human Rights including but not limited to torture, human sacrifice, rape and the attempted elimination of non-conformist groups: "Pagans", "Witches", "infidels", and "heretics" as it calls them (despite claims of benevolence). Under no circumstances attempt to relay a message for it as its followers tend to burn those that do! Reports of excessive jealousy have also been conveyed to me. Has been know to induce fear, ignorance, insolence, emotional dependence, inconsistency, hypocrisy, abstinence and eternal punishment. Insists on blind obedience under threat of life and liberty despite claims that it leads the free world.

    Asking Price: (Negotiable... make an offer. If no offer is made for the deity, I will leave it at a local Good-Will store.)

    Send offers to Elsewhere: [email protected]

    Edited by - Elsewhere on 10 February 2003 10:56:43

  • Satanus

    Haw haw.

  • pr_capone

    ROFLMAO @ elsewhere

    I wouldnt offer you a dime for your diety!

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